Mortal Kombat: Real(ish)-Time Responses
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Okay, I decided to try something new with this bad movie review. I've seen this Paul W.S. Anderson directed movie years ago and I think I remember it well enough that I could review it by memory. However, rather than a standard review, I'm going to take down my thoughts as I watch it again. You know, sort of let you know what kinds of things go through my head when watching a bad movie. I have a morbid fascination with them. Let's see if I can get any of you into the same boat with me.
And as an aid, I will take down the timecode of the section of the movie that I'm responding to in order to give you a better idea of the experience.
For those who haven't seen the movie, you may not get as much out of this experience, so I'll state right now that my rating is 5 / 10. And believe me, that's being generous.
That isn't to say that there aren't times when this kind of movie may fit the bill, but it's by no means a masterpiece.
Anyway, without further ado, let's jump right into hell.
0:00:02 - Yeah, there's the music. You know, that opening music is actually quite cool. My dream in life is to be best known for shouting the name of a video game at the top of my lungs. You know. Sort of "PORTAL 2!!!!!!"
0:01:10 - And nothing says great movie like watching an old man beat up and kill a little boy right there at the beginning. Then to watch that same old man become a rotted skull. Mmm boy. That's some good story there, movie.
0:02:45 - And nothing shouts "stealthy approach" like shouting. Good Job Sonya.
0:03:30 - Apparently this club has so many shootouts that the stoned-out dancers don't even break rhythm when a slinky blonde beats her way through a crowd and takes a shotgun to an asian man.
0:07:50 - Oh no! You're trying to tell me that that man I've never seen before was actually that other man I saw twice before in disguise?! No way!!!
0:09:40 - Liu Kang is the Chosen One! A completely uncliche and totally original concept!
0:10:33 - Holy COW it's the Highlander! Why are they calling him Rayden?
0:12:05 - There's no one else, huh? So, the universe really likes sticking all its eggs in one whiny basket, huh?
0:16:30 - Hey look. It's the v-neck twins! You know, Scorpion really should get that growth on his hand looked at. It'th like totally growth.
0:17:45 - Okay Lord Rayden, Lord Old Chinese Man. Enough posturing. Let's get out a ruler and settle this once and for all.
0:18:09 - Come with you, Lord Rayden? You got something against using ladders? Gotta zap yourself everywhere, huh? Man, gods can be lazy.
0:22:20 - Look at all that luggage. Was Johnny Cage played by Daphne from scooby-Doo?
0:24:53 - That's Reptile? You've got to be kidding me. Okay, movie. Whatever you say.
0:27:57 - Okay, so "a taste of things to come" means "I'd like a volunteer to come up and be killed"? What?
0:30:10 - You know, Johnny, there's a fine line between the chivalrous "Ladies first" and whatever sissy-pants lame excuse you came up with to ask Sonya to go first into danger. Big hero there.
0:31:08 - Okay. I gotta give props to you, movie. Good job on Goro. Not bad at all.
0:34:45 - Kitana's 10,000 years old, eh? Okay, I'm officially a fan of the elderly.
0:36:13 - Why are old caverns always lit with a thousand individual candles? I'd never want to be the last one out of the room. "Oh, could you turn out the lights before you leave?" "Crap!"
0:36:35 - You know, as I watch this fight, I just keep wondering how it would have been different if director Anderson had waited ten years to make this movie. You know. After he discovered the wonder that is Milla Jovovich. Probably would have put her here in the role of Sonya and she definitely would have improved the part. Heck, she could probably improve the part of Johnny too. Double cast that diva.
0:40:20 - Oh, please please tell me this isn't going to be a pole-dance-off.
0:41:56 - Way to go Tina Turner! I mean Steven Tyler! I mean Liu Kang!
0:45:29 - That was the lamest leg hold I've ever seen. Kano must have a glass neck.
0:46:15 - "Okay, okay, Scorpion. I'm getting over there. You don't have to send your wimpy little hand vine."
0:47:40 - "You know, punching me in the face after shouting 'Welcome' in my ear kinda sends a mixed signal, Scorpy. Not the best host ettiquite there."
0:50:04 - Hey, look at that. Scorpion is played by Skeletor.
0:52:20 - The element which brings life, eh, Kitana? If you can't remember what it's called, just admit it. I don't exactly need a lecture in the middle of a battle. Especially one that sounds like a bad cross between Yoda and Confucius.
0:55:03 - Uh, no, Sub-Zero. That's not how you do "I'm a little teapot." No it's more like ... no just take that hand and ... you're not even listening to me, are you?
0:55:40 - Hey! wow! The element which brings life is water? No foolin? Now there's some deep writing for you, movie.
0:59:18 - No! You mean the guy who was invented just for the movie and who once said something to one of the main characters just got killed?! You monsters!!!!!
1:03:36 - Okay, movie. Is this little talk between Johnny and Sonya on the beach supposed to be your Han-and-Leia-in-the-maintenance-closet scene? Because it feels much more like whiny-Anakin-and-Padme level stuff. Epic fail.
1:06:00 - Right. We get it, Goro. You're big and loud. Do you really have to scream and shout every time you want people to look at you?
1:07:10 - Yes, Johnny. As they say, the bigger they are, the funnier they look when you do a drop split with a rabbit punch to the little Goro. Four hands, and you can't even use one of them to put on a cup?
1:09:35 - Watch out, Sonya! It's the purple mouthwash of death to take you to ... Outworld? Is that really what we're calling it? Okay. I guess.
1:11:05 - Does the emperor hire someone to keep the dirt fires burning? Because that looks like a pretty lucrative business here in ... Outworld. Yeah, it still sounds a bit silly.
1:16:31 - Wait, so the Emperor invades Outworld, kills Kitana's father, the rightful ruler, and then adopts Kitana as heir to the throne? Can anyone say "inherent security risk"?
1:17:01 - Face your enemy, face yourself and face your worst fear? Is that really what we're going with? Well they'd better be some pretty satisfying enemy/self/fear fights. And, what if I'm my own worst enemy and I'm afraid of that? Can I just fight myself once and get the whole thing over with?
1:20:40 - Very slick move there, Johnny. Pretending to look at Sonya's ... ahem ... dress.
1:23:40 - Okay, that was a pretty lame "face your enemy" fight. This "face yourself" fight better be pretty amaz... what? That's it? No shadow Liu Kang or anything? Laaaame!
1:29:07 - Awe. Look at that. Liu Potter gets to see the spirit of his parents. I mean brother.
1:30:50 - Wait. So you cast the Highlander in your cute little movie, and we never get to see him fight? What The Pfargtl?
1:31:20 - Hey! The emperor is voiced by Doctor Claw!
1:31:39 - And back to the cool music. Too bad the rest of the movie doesn't exactly live up to the excitement of the music.