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Movie Spoiler - The Rock

Updated on July 23, 2011

Movie Spoiler - The Rock

If your Mommy named you Francis X. Hummel, you'd probably grow up slightly peeved. You'd enlist in the Marines. You'd rise to the rank of Brigadier General, suppressing your untapped anger deep beneath your military veneer. You'd bide your time, waiting for the perfect opportunity to assemble a team of mostly cooperative sycophants to follow you on a suicide mission intended to result in the death of millions of the Americans you spent your career protecting.

It could happen.

But then a nerdy scientisty guy would team up with a former resident of the place you selected to occupy. Together, with the reluctant support of feuding federal agencies (can't federal agencies ever get along?), they would thwart your risky scheme.

Yeah. This all dovetails together. Please tell me more.

To make matters slightly worse, your weapon of choice is a string of pretty green globules containing either virulent strains of unpronounceable biological weapons or podcasts of The View; I don't recall which. Scientisty guy, played by Nicolas Cage, has something to do when he's not dodging bullets or trading bon mots with ex-resident John Patrick Mason, acted out by Sean Connery.

OK. So far so good.

Deep in the highly trained synapses of your military mind you'd come to your senses shortly before tossing the green globes of death at San Francisco. Unfortunately for you, your cadre of mercenaries was taking you seriously all along. They realize that their military pensions are probably forfeit and insist that you actually follow through with your nefarious plan. Your militia self-destructs faster than the Hessians at Valley Forge. Dr Goodspeed disarms the globules at great personal peril and John Patrick Mason's hair gets all scraggly.

Dr. who??

Please try to keep up. Dr. Stanley Goodspeed is obviously the science guy played by Nicolas Cage.

Stanley Goodspeed? Francis X Hummel? Was the screenplay written by Charles Dickens?

Never you mind. Please focus on the story. Sean Connery's planar portrayal of John Patrick Mason should be enough to bore the occupying force into submission, but unfortunately they aren't in enough scenes together. One wonders if The Rock allowed Mason to escape simply to be rid of him. Perhaps sequestering him with murderers and thieves was cruel and unusual to the murderers and thieves.

What is "The Rock?"

It's a cool name for Alcatraz Prison. The movie was filmed on a sound stage that looked almost but not quite exactly unlike Alcatraz.

Me and my friend Hal
Me and my friend Hal

So what happens? Do the bad guys make San Francisco go green?

Well, kind of. Wind currents sweep the germy stuff away from town. Or rain neutralizes it. I think the launcher was aimed out to sea at the last minute. Something happened. John Patrick Mason bored the virus to death. Brigadier General Francis X. Hummel, USMC, reconciled with his mother. Warring federal agencies came together at the last minute.

Which one?

Yes. Precisely.


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drbj: I wondered what that noise was. Anyway, I am the horse and Hal is the cat in the hat.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 7 years ago from south Florida

      I'm laughing so hard (in Florida) at this great/funny hub I'm sure you can hear me in Ohio. Question: under your avatar, you wrote me and my friend, Hal. Which one is you?

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @lmmartin: Stay tuned for the Sean Connery Channel. ;)

    • lmmartin profile image

      lmmartin 7 years ago from Alberta and Florida

      Sean Connery doesn't have to be interesting. He's Sean Connery and in my books he could just stand there, and I'd tune in.