My Product Will Solve All of Your Problems
Why You Have Problems
Basically, you have problems because you don't have my product. My product solves all problems that exist anywhere. If you have a problem, there's just one way to solve it- get my product as fast as you can.
If the product couldn't solve your problems, why would you be reading about it right now? That's right- you wouldn't. So, it must work.
If you have any problems at all, they are your own fault for not having my product.
How to Get the Product
You can only get the product from me. This product is patented and there are no generics available. If anyone claims to have another one that does the same thing, they lie. Beware of imitators! Beware! BEWARE!!
Tips For Using the Product
After you bring the product home, how you use it is up to you. Many people like to get comfortable before using it. Others like to use it while jogging. Some take it to the office. Still others have frozen their heads in liquid nitrogen and prefer to store it there for future use.
As long as you follow the instructions to the letter, you can't sue us. After that, use it any way you choose.
Fix Your Relationships With the Product
Your relationships are in terrible trouble. That's right- all of them. Remember how Aunt Ivy said she loves you and wishes you well? She lied.
The only hope for any of your relationships is to use the product regularly. If you really love your family, you will buy the product. To make sure you don't run out just when your family is starting to love you, stock up with several cases of it. It's better to be safe than sorry. It's also better to have a loving family that doesn't secretly want to kill you than to have one that does. Which category are you in now? Are you sure?
Protect Your Kids- Buy the Product
Do you love your kids? I mean, do you really love them? Do you love them enough to buy the product? If you don't, you're a sorry excuse for a parent. All of the best parents buy the product because they love their kids, and everyone around you is a better parent than you- they've already bought the product. Some of them have more than one. If you don't buy it, they all win. Your child deserves better than you- he or she deserves the product.