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Nothing Makes Me Feel More Like An Apeman Than Intelligent Handdryers In Public Bathrooms

Updated on December 21, 2011

Me No Understand, Why You No Work?

Ooo, eee eee, ooo, me want hands dry? Yes I know, my caveman nose hairs are showing.
Ooo, eee eee, ooo, me want hands dry? Yes I know, my caveman nose hairs are showing.
COME ON! MOHAMMAD & MOSES turn on for the love of God!!!
COME ON! MOHAMMAD & MOSES turn on for the love of God!!!

I Think I'm So Sophisticated & So Civilized

Ever have this experience? You're at a classy restaurant, you excuse yourself from your gorgeous date. "Pardon me sugar, I gotta run to the restroom, be right back!".

You swagger when you walk because you got some dough in your wallet and a hotty back at the table. You are on cloud 9 my friend. You may have just finished talking about the different nuances between Pinot Noir and Pinot Gris and oh yes, I love a Gris when I'm eating roast beef but never with white fish, blah blah blah. My you're an intelligent dog aren't you! My you just might be the most interesting thing to ever strut his stuff to the restroom. You pat your back just before you enter the men's room.

So you finish using the urinal, peeing ever so cleverly on the strawberry urinal cake that smells like a teenage gutter punk who's been smoking cheap cigars and hanging out at adult toy stores. You be sure to wash your hands, not like that other guy who just left the urinal and made a bee line out the door, apparently he's in a hurry to spread hepatitis to his dinner guests! But not you, no sirree! You are civilized! You are the pinnacle of human culture and education!

Now that your hands are washed you reach over to push down the hand dryer and get a paper towel to dry your hands. But wait? Where's the lever? Oh this must be one of those new Modern hand dryers with the motion sensor that recognizes you are ready to dry your hands. You shake your hands a little in front of the dryer to trip the sensor. Nothing.

I want to sail away to a distant shore, and be like and apeman! (Ray Davies & The Kinks)

You announce loudly, "Hello hand dryer! I am ready to dry my hands NOW!" Just in case it measures sound. You wait. Nothing. You discreetly look in the mirror and over your shoulder to make sure no one is watching you. You are a Modern man of integrity and good breeding, of course you will be able to maneuver this simplest of technological feats. You shake your hands in front of the sensor again. Still nothing.

Now you're getting a little upset. You're melting down a little. You start to wag your hands vigorously, even putting your hips into it a little. "Come ON!!!" you announce to the robot hand dryer, "LET'S GO, COME ON YOU MOTHER OF PEARL". Still nothing, the hand dryer stares you back in the face, menacingly.

Just then a little boy walks into the bathroom. He pees in the urinal and without even washing his hands, he swaggers over to the hand dryer, smacks a button on the side, and the blow drying hand dryer kicks in with a "wirrrrrr", drying off the remainder of the urine from the little boys hands.

You head back to your table and your date asks, "What took you so long babe?"

"Nothing." You reply. "Waiter, I'll take a shot of Jameson please." You toss the Irish Whiskey back and say to your date, "You know it's true what Ray Davies and the Kinks say..."

"What's that?" Your delicious dish of a date asks.

"In man's evolution he has created the city and the motor traffic rumble, but give me half the chance and I be taking off my clothes and living in the jungle!"

"What? You're going to live in the jungle?" She replies.

"Never mind." You wave your arm like an orangutan, "Waiter! Bring me another!"


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