Oprah Says Hang Up and Drive

Deep Thinker Oprah Winfrey wants us to hang up and drive. PhD candidate Oprah Winfrey has pondered quarks, searched for the Higgs boson, and approached unified field theory from a transdimensional perspective. She pointed out the discontinuities in numerous attempts to prove Poincaré's Conjecture. She has translated the Bible from original Aramaic to Pig Latin.

Now she turns her attention to your automotive habits.

Should a Hummer Limousine trundle past you on the Dan Ryan, don't be surprised if a tinted window slides down to reveal Oprah wagging her prodigious finger of shame. Behold, She has elected to focus her intense brain power on the universal problem of driving while talking. Oprah and Big Insurance have melded together to form an uber-nanny. Should you demonstrate the temerity to suggest that you might possibly have some clue what is best for you, please reconsider your puny thoughts. Oprah has spoken.

Oprah says Hang Up and Drive

We can't expect you to listen to the radio and steer. An overly danceable tune could cause you to tap your foot on the accelerator. If you can't listen to an incoming call, you have no hope of absorbing a radio program. Rip off the knobs and mail them to a nationally syndicated talk show host in Chicago. Slap a strip of duct tape over the hole where your Blaupunkt used to be. Tell the Crutchfield folks to switch to floor mats. AM radio is loaded with right-wing talk anyway. Air America is bankrupt; no reason exists to endanger yourself and your passengers by filling your cabin with harmful audio.

Stick your phone in the trunk of your Prius. Promise Oprah that nevermore will you dial, answer, text, or play tetris while driving. Toss your Bluetooth earwart into your recycle bin.

She has spoken. We flyover people are incapable of multitasking to any degree whatsoever. Were we imbued with the laserlike focused intensity required to be a talk show host, then perhaps we'd be permitted to talk and steer at the same time.

You have no clue what's best for you. Sit back and absorb the sweet oozing goodness that oozes oozingly from syndicated afternoon talking persons. It's all good. Nothing can hurt you as long as you don't think for yourself.

Oprah Says Hang Up and Drive, but she knows that neither should you be allowed to converse with other humans sharing your vehicle. Sure, carpooling is the Green Thing to do. Stuff your car full of neighbors and reduce our dependency on foreign oil. Alas, none of you may speak while the vehicle is in motion. Should you require verbal communication, smoothly swerve your hybrid  roadside and engage in oral discourse.

Oprah Says Hang Up and Drive: rest assured that more direction from the oracle of 4PM is forthcoming. If you forget how to respire, tune in during sweeps week for a primer on the subject. If the nuances of a grilled cheese sandwich elude you, she's planning an after-school special to bail you out. Watch for a Very Special Episode of Dr. Oz on hair combing.

Keep your eye on the prize and your phone separate from your battery. Don't gab and drive.