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Oprah Says Hang Up and Drive

Updated on February 6, 2010

Deep Thinker Oprah Winfrey wants us to hang up and drive. PhD candidate Oprah Winfrey has pondered quarks, searched for the Higgs boson, and approached unified field theory from a transdimensional perspective. She pointed out the discontinuities in numerous attempts to prove Poincaré's Conjecture. She has translated the Bible from original Aramaic to Pig Latin.

Now she turns her attention to your automotive habits.

Should a Hummer Limousine trundle past you on the Dan Ryan, don't be surprised if a tinted window slides down to reveal Oprah wagging her prodigious finger of shame. Behold, She has elected to focus her intense brain power on the universal problem of driving while talking. Oprah and Big Insurance have melded together to form an uber-nanny. Should you demonstrate the temerity to suggest that you might possibly have some clue what is best for you, please reconsider your puny thoughts. Oprah has spoken.

Oprah says Hang Up and Drive

Rip out your radio

We can't expect you to listen to the radio and steer. An overly danceable tune could cause you to tap your foot on the accelerator. If you can't listen to an incoming call, you have no hope of absorbing a radio program. Rip off the knobs and mail them to a nationally syndicated talk show host in Chicago. Slap a strip of duct tape over the hole where your Blaupunkt used to be. Tell the Crutchfield folks to switch to floor mats. AM radio is loaded with right-wing talk anyway. Air America is bankrupt; no reason exists to endanger yourself and your passengers by filling your cabin with harmful audio.

Commit to Oprah

Stick your phone in the trunk of your Prius. Promise Oprah that nevermore will you dial, answer, text, or play tetris while driving. Toss your Bluetooth earwart into your recycle bin.

She has spoken. We flyover people are incapable of multitasking to any degree whatsoever. Were we imbued with the laserlike focused intensity required to be a talk show host, then perhaps we'd be permitted to talk and steer at the same time.

You have no clue what's best for you. Sit back and absorb the sweet oozing goodness that oozes oozingly from syndicated afternoon talking persons. It's all good. Nothing can hurt you as long as you don't think for yourself.

If you must speak, pull over first

Oprah Says Hang Up and Drive, but she knows that neither should you be allowed to converse with other humans sharing your vehicle. Sure, carpooling is the Green Thing to do. Stuff your car full of neighbors and reduce our dependency on foreign oil. Alas, none of you may speak while the vehicle is in motion. Should you require verbal communication, smoothly swerve your hybrid  roadside and engage in oral discourse.

Stand by for more guidance

Oprah Says Hang Up and Drive: rest assured that more direction from the oracle of 4PM is forthcoming. If you forget how to respire, tune in during sweeps week for a primer on the subject. If the nuances of a grilled cheese sandwich elude you, she's planning an after-school special to bail you out. Watch for a Very Special Episode of Dr. Oz on hair combing.

Keep your eye on the prize and your phone separate from your battery. Don't gab and drive.


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Voted Funny by me

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Niteriter: Thanks for checking in! Is there an Oprah-approved cell phone?

    • Niteriter profile image

      Niteriter 7 years ago from Canada

      There's no chance of selling a cellphone here, nicomp, so I guess you'll have to settle for a few rolls of duct tape. I always thought that Blaupunkt and duct tape had a symbiotic potential there somewhere. You, the great sleuth of all things obscure, have uncovered the future!

      Hey, I saw you on HubPages home page with a 100 HubScore the other day. Congrats! You looked good.

    • profile image

      breakfastpop 7 years ago

      Didn't you get the memo, Oprah is the Queen. Since she now loves socialism, I'm hoping she takes up residence somewhere far, far away.

    • profile image

      partisan patriot 7 years ago


      I say hang Oprah and drive! Having read my latest hub you know what I think of the newly crowned Queen of Day Time Talk aka Obama King Maker.

      I question the depth of her thinking just as I question the depth of her Messiah’s supposed super intellect; he cannot possess a modicum of understanding basic economics and follow the path that he has traversed through the past year.

      As you are aware my friend, no personal habits are off limit to well intentioned liberals. So it is only natural she feels it is her inherent right to meddle in any and all of our daily activities such as our driving habits.

      I can’t believe the high priestess of the Obama Temple would ride around in an evil Hummer Limousine; you would think she would be chauffeured around in a YUGO! But wait, lest I forget, they practice the do as I say not as I do philosophy; so how dare you, a mere mortal challenge my habits!

      I have no problem fighting the urge to dance; all I listen to is Talk Radio. As far as sticking my phone anywhere; I am protective of it but I have a suggestion for Oprah as to where she can stick hers!

      You are correct, the High Priestess has pontificated so we poor urchins that inhabit that miserable section of the country known as flyover country had best listen up. She will dispatch her Cell Phone Nazi brigade to seek out and report any abusers of her latest edict! So let it be written, so let it be done!

      Just as in Health care we don’t have a clue and that is why we desperately need elitists like Her Highness Queen Oprah to look after us. And above all never converse with those sharing our vehicle; they are as stupid as we are and thus there’s nothing to be gained from such a conversation!