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Pants Are Evil

Updated on May 30, 2012

When’s the last time you thanked someone for wearing pants? Probably never, right? Well, next time you go out, preferably tomorrow, walk up to a stranger, or simply turn around and face the person standing behind you in line, and say, “Thank you. Thank you for wearing pants.” I guarantee that the person will feel a moment of gratitude, as well, because you were thoughtful enough to thank them for doing something they thought was mandatory. You see, we all do everyday things that we believe we must do to fit into society, but no one ever thanks us. I, however (or nonetheless, or if the shoe fits, wear it on the other hand) believe pants to be the modern chains of our enslaved society. How can we have freedom, if our lower bodies are enslaved and locked away in a cage of fabric? Or of leather? Or of even rubber? Riddle me that, Batman. I don’t trust people who wear pants. I think they’re hiding something. Perhaps the fact that they’re not wearing any underwear. It makes me uneasy, not being able to see someone’s underwear. Which is why I like Superman. Bravo, dear sir, for wearing the undies over the pants as a big ‘screw you’ to society. Of course, he has x-ray vision, so he can see a person’s underwear, even through their pants. He just wears his over his pants as a mockery of our attire. Point is, you don’t have to be from another planet to see that wearing pants is stupid. Let me try to explain why that’s the case.

If you buy a new pair of white pants, a dog will suddenly appear and jump up, attacking the whiteness of your pants with its muddy paws. This dog doesn’t have a reason, it just tries to place muddy footprints on your nice pants because it must. You can live in the middle of Texas during a dry spell, and still, a dog with muddy paws will ruin your nice pants day, even though there’s no apparent origin of the mud on its paws. The mud’s just there, it doesn’t have a reason. It just knows that it must magically appear on a dog’s paws, where it will then be transferred to your pants. This tragedy can befall anyone, and it can be dished out on other planets, too, not just earth. I’m sure on the planet where the Transformers come from, there’s a robot dog that mysteriously appears every time Optimus Prime gets a new pair of white pants and then jumps up and gets mud all over them. Which is why the Transformers stopped wearing pants, altogether, and that’s what I think we should do. They certainly aren’t ashamed of showing off their nuts and bolts. And that’s what this nation is. Ashamed of our nuts and bolts. I wish I could transform myself into a car. It’d sure save on gas.

Did you know pants were invented by the Nazis? Don’t quote me on that. But every single Nazi wore pants, and they tried to take over the world. Twice. You see, I learned some stuff from World History in college. I noticed that Hitler wore pants. No one else noticed, but I did. They were just stuck on his attempt to take over the world, but they never saw what was the cause of that desire. The root of the evil, as it were. It was the pants. Pants make you want to take over the world. Don’t believe me? Then when’s the last time you saw a naked guy opt for world domination? They never do, because they aren’t corrupted by the pants. It’s like that saying, he or she ‘wears the pants.’ That means that person is in ‘charge.’ So pants make people think they’re in charge, but, in reality, it’s just an illusion. Pants are like that ring in the Lord of the Rings movies, the one that made people crazy once they put it on. We consider pants to be our ‘precious,’ but are too blinded by its power to notice that it’s taking control of our actions. We need to take a stand, and stand up like Ronald Reagan, and say, “Mr. So and So, pull down those pants,” or this Berlin Wall of clothing will continue to keep us divided.

Here is a short list of people you may have heard of. See if you can tell what they all have in common.

  1. Adolf Hitler
  2. Ted Bundy
  3. Charles Manson
  4. Darth Vader
  5. Count Dracula

Did you guess what they all have in common? If you guessed that they’re all bad men, then you’d be right. But they also wore pants. Still think it’s a coincidence?

Back in the Garden of Eden, man was invented, copyrighted, and then left to himself, and he was created naked. So, if you believe the creation story, then God always intended for mankind to be nude. Can it then be argued that wearing pants goes against the way of God? Sure. Once man ate of the forbidden fruit and realized that he was naked, he was ashamed. But why was he ashamed of being what he was created to be? Because once he ate the fruit and disobeyed his creator, he had officially sinned, and it was the introduction of sin that led him to being ashamed of his naked body. Nakedness is close to godliness, but once man had lost touch with that godliness through the overture of sin, God had no choice but to clothe his creation, a way to tell them that they were no longer as close to him as they had once been. When sin entered the world, so did pants, and no, it’s not a coincidence. God doesn’t wear pants, and you can take that to the bank. Which came first, sin or pants? Pants came because of sin, and sin created the need for pants. Ergo, pants are a sin. No, I never went to a school of evangelism, but I think I would have made a great preacher. I missed my calling. Probably because I had my phone on vibrate.

So what can we do? Should the entire world just became one giant nudist colony? (Yes!) No, the world’s not ready for that. We’re still ashamed, and as long as we are, we’ll always wear the pants. Until that glorious day of freedom, when we finally shed the shackles of clothing and frolic in fields of daisies completely naked and holding hands, I guess I’ll just have to do what I do every day. Begrudgingly pull on a pair of khakis, renounce my destiny and shame my very existence, and go out and join the world in its fashion slavery. I may pretend that everyone’s in their underwear, but, deep down inside, I long for the day when everyone will be naked and they won’t be ashamed of who they were meant to be. But, just in case the world really is ready to rise up in revolt against the clothing industry, then let this article serve as a petition, and please sign your name at the bottom in the comment box if you completely agree with me, and maybe we’ll get enough signatures that we’ll be able to take this issue to the Supreme Court. Just sign your John Hancock, or whatever your name happens to be, and we’ll fight this thing together. If all else fails, then please join me in the nudist colony I’m going to start in my backyard. Thank you for your consideration. Now, raise a fist in the air, shout, “No more pants,” and then sign this petition and potentially change the world. Get your friends to sign it, too. And your pets. They obviously already agree with me, even if you sometimes do dress them up like people. I’m sure they don’t like it. But sign the petition, and maybe someday, maybe even tomorrow, we’ll see the day when pants are no longer our masters. I look forward to seeing you naked, and I mean that in the least creepy way possible.


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