How Proud Mom's Avatar Became Little Miss Neon Pink Hat, Neighborhood Spy

It began at Wednesday Morning's hub about New Year's resolutions...

WednesdayMorning: I ABSOLUTELY should have been cleaning, but...the nanny stole my bleach, so I went looking for it online. Oops! wrong hub!

Proud Mom: The nanny? I thought it was the squirrels....

JamaGenee: It wasn't the nanny OR squirrels. It was the sneaky little monsters that steal socks from the dryer while you're off hubbing, Facebooking, etc. My guess, Wednesday, is that nobody in your family wore socks for a week or so, hence none to wash and dry (or steal!), so the sock thieves went looking elsewhere.

Bleach! Party time!

After downing what amounted (to them) 90-proof Elixir of the Gods, they had the presense of mind to hide the empty bottle under the dirty dishes in the sink. You've probably found it by now. But you won't find the culprits...at least not at first.

(HINT: They disguise themselves as white socks. If you grab a pair and it giggles, it's them.)

ProudMom: I now live in a town that has a "small-town" grocery store which offers a friendly "paper or plastic" option at checkout. The paper bags actually have handles. I tend to assume the handles will hold and find myself, like robie2, chasing after that can of corn that just rolled under three cars before coming to a stop in the middle of the rain puddle. Something like the scene from "Christmas with the Kranks" where she was after the Honey Ham.

It's kind of funny to see people rushing to get out of this store ahead of me just to find them all leaning against their cars waiting for the entertainment to begin. They continue these shenanigans by phoning my neighbors that I will be returning shortly to unload groceries. That's when coming home is like being in a parade. There they are, lined up along the street in their lawn chairs, each holding their beverage of choice. I once saw a group of children with sparklers.

JamaGenee: Proud Mom, when do you grocery shop next? I want to get in on the neighborhood party when you bring them home. I'll even bring my own lawn chair AND sparklers!

PM: JamaGenee, I use those bags discussed in your other hub for my packing. That and A LOT of Duct Tape. I like to think of myself as "original". That is until I find out the rest of the redneck clan has booked my same flight for the convention. Oh well. Better to travel in packs.

JG: PM, The bag-and-duct-tape thing *would* be useless on a flight with the redneck clan. I give 'em credit, tho, for trying to move up in the world by calling the purpose of the trip a "convention" instead of *family reunion*.

PM: WHO is giving you all of this inside information? Or are you one of us?

JG: My information is coming from a kid in a hot pink hat who looks amazingly like your avatar.

If you know her, you might want to tell her parents (and the rest of the neighbors) that she's only pretending she can't talk. So be careful what you say around her from now on. (Pssst... she CAN be bribed with a KitKat...two if ya want the really good dirt...but you didn't hear that from me, okay?)

PM: If she has anything on you, I'll want to buy stock in KitKat.

PM: And you thought you were going to be bored.

JG: Boring it was NOT, but don't know I'd survive another weekend like it! Sittin' in a lawn chair, wavin' a sparkler while you chase cans down the driveway is more my speed these days.

PM: You're secretly one of my neighbors, aren't you? :-))))

JG: Drats! Busted! Which of our spineless neighbors told you? Or did you just "happen" to be peeking out your front window the other night when I came back from the family reunion...uh, convention? It was the duct tape on my "luggage" glowing like a beacon in the moonlight that caught your eye, right?...

Then we began emailing offline, and she went on vacation...

On the way back from SC (she wrote) "our AC/DC adapter went out, which meant no more computer or DVDs the rest of the way home, so I made everyone go to the bookstore so I could get a book to keep me occupied on the 10 hours left of the trip. I was in a hurry, so I grabbed a book by Lisa Wingate called Talk of the Town. I laughed all the way home. You must read it! Very funny stuff."

JG to PM: Looked up "Talk of the Town" at Amazon, which had a "Look Inside This Book" thingy. Being the curious sort - bordering on just plain weird, some say - I devoured the first 4 or 5 pages, then bam! it went to the back cover. Hate it when they tease ya like that. Oh right, they want you to BUY the book. Anyhoo it IS funnnyyy! City Girl with Life all mapped out to the minute in her Day Runner meets Hunk who turns her world right side up. Good choice! (And worth every penny I paid the kid at the gas station 20 miles back to make your AC adapter quit. Just kidding. Maybe.)

PM to JG: I think you're secretly Lisa Wingate. You really live in Texas, don't you?

JG to PM: Noooooo..... According to the cute kid in the neon pink hat - the one you think can't talk...you're LW, and those conventions you supposedly attend with your husband are only excuses to get out of town for book signings. Hubby goes to the convention/seminar/whatever and you hit the road in the other direction with your agent - yeah, right - to play queen of the Lizard Gulch Crossroads Cafe & Juke Joint crowd.

You screwed up when ya left that box of fresh-off-the-press LW books UPS delivered the other day in plain sight in the garage. You neighbor, Neon Pink Hat's dad, came over lookin' for a wrench - thanks to your hubby telling him "If we're not home, just take what ya need".

Well, guess who followed her daddy into the garage? Little Miss Neon Pink Hat, of course. While SuperDad was hunting for the wrench, she toddled over to the box of books and saw the ones you'd pre-autographed...you know, ones you send to little old ladies who can't get to book signings, but they write the most flattering, gushy, "Oh, Miss Wingate, I just love your last book!" letters from The Home. So ya send 'em a copy of your latest, signed and personalized. Yep, NPH saw an envelope from a fan - you musta stuck it a book for the name and return address.

Did I mention Little Miss NPH can read too?

Quite the little prodigy she is - a gold mine of information. And knows what it's worth now.

Forget KitKat bars, this kid has figured out c-a-s-h is much better than candy. (Less fattening too.) Since her parents pay for everything with plastic, she doesn't quite understand (yet) how paper money works, but instinctively knows she wants the kind with a zero (or two) in each corner. So it's costing me a small fortune to get the dirt on you these days. She's probably making a killing from every other snoopy old biddy within six blocks too.

If you still don't believe she's the neighborhood snitch...uh, spy...next time you see her, check the Giggling Elmo she carries everywhere these days. That's not giggling...that's the GoFone stashed inside ringing...a phone the woman on the corner had to get her the other day because she didn't have c-a-s-h, only plastic. So it's costing that woman a fortune too, what with having to replenish the minutes on the Giggle Phone so Little Miss NPH can keep her clients...uh, new friends...up to date.

Any more questions?

From another email...

PM to JG: Was that YOU behind the bushes last Monday when I came home from the grocery store? I thought I heard an unfamiliar laugh when I crawled into the driveway culvert to get the can of peanuts. You should have stopped by. I would've opened the can and a bottle of Root Beer to wash the peanuts down.

JG to PM: Nope, wasn't me. Probably Little Miss Neon Pink Hat making a video of you crawling into the culvert to put on YouTube. (I prefer cashews, btw.)

Back at HubPages @ Pedigree Schmedigree!...

PM: Wow, Jama! I wish I woulda read this before Cousin Ethyl and her little darlings departed after another fine, down-home Christmas spent patching Uncle Festus' banjo that was not properly secured on the plane ride over. Cleta Sue forgot to stock up on duct tape before the trip, and Festus thought he could improvise. He learned a lesson or two about packing this holiday season. Ultimately, we weren't able to repair it, so we hosted the most honorable burial we could manage in the frigid temperatures.

Anywho, I'm liking the fan shaped document. My line of ancestry has so many forks, about ten years ago, they began forming circles. That fan shape might make it easier.

Grocery shopping here in about 2 hours. Can you make it by? Should be extra-entertaining, as my usual shenanigans will be accompanied by 4-5 inches of solid ice. This time, though, after the laughter dies down, come on in. I have a can of cashews just for you.

The following comments were deleted (by me) from Police Chiefs/Legalize Marijuana because they were about potty paper, not pot:

Proud Mom: I think my boy can read. This morning, while happily typing away, I hear this wee little voice, "Oh Mooommmm. I did it agaaaaain. Do you want to come and see?".

Well, that's never anything you WANT to hear--at least not in that tone, so I followed the sound of his voice and realized (*DUN DUN DUN*) he was in the BATHROOM! I yanked the door open just as he grinned and pushed down the handle. All I saw was the roll of toilet paper rolling ecstatically across the seat and into the dark abyss. The WHOLE ROLL!!! I couldn't help but laugh. Now WHY would he do that after so many weeks of being a good little boy unless he had snuck in last night and read that I had told you his secret? Or maybe that was YOU on the phone this morning when he answered. He knows he's not supposed to pick up the phone without permission, but he told me no one was there. I'm keeping a closer eye on you....

JamaGenie: Sorry...it wasn't me on the phone this morning, it was Little Miss NPH on the GigglePhone. Called me right after to say she couldn't believe she got all tongue-tied when she heard *his* voice. She likes those older guys, ya know. And remember she can read, so most likely it was her who snuck in last night and saw you'd spilled the beans, then went straight to your son's room on the way out and reminded him what fun it is to flush a WHOLE ROLL of tp. Better hide that laptop before you go to bed from now on.