Snow Blowers Versus Shovelers

Shoveler: My name is John and I'm a shoveler. That means when it snows, I shovel. I don't snow blow with a snowblower. I shovel. I'm a shoveler. Why? Why do I shovel and not snowblow? Well, that is my business. None of yours.

Snowblower: My name is Tom and I'm a snowblower. That means when it snows, I blow. I don't scoop up snow with a shovel. I churn it up and spit it out with impressive spinning blades. Why? Why do I blow snow and not shovel? What a stupid question. The real question is why would anyone shovel?

Shoveler: Why? It could be that I believe in doing some things the old fashioned way. Or maybe I can't afford a snowblower? Or maybe I have issues with power implements? Maybe I've just never owned a snowblower? What does it matter? There are fourteen inches of snow on my driveway and drifts as high as my waist. If I don't shovel it now it will pack in like cement and my car wont leave the garage until spring. I can already feel my asthma starting...

Snowblower: Why still shovel? It is disgusting really. Lazy. I sort of despise the weasels of this world who still haven't forked out the three or four hundred dollars and gotten themselves a decent snowblower. Look at those shovelers pathetically working away for hours while I chow through this wall of snow with ease. They make me sick.

Shoveller: The snowblower people make me sick. Look at them blowing through the snow with ease while I bust my butt hauling shovelful after endless shovelful of snow off my driveway? I'm creating a wall that is as tall as I am! And some of Tom's snow he's "blowing" into the sky is coming down over here on my driveway! Oh wait, oh wait, he might be coming this way. I could use some help. He is a nice neighbor, that Tom.

Snowblower: Looks like Mike could use some help. He's still blowing his sidewalk. I think I'll go over there and help get the street end of his driveway clear. Or I could sweep my driveway now that it is spotless. Just to get the last few flakes off it. No, I'll help Mike over there first. I hate how uncomfortable the shovelers make me feel. Lazy shovelers! I'll try not to make eye contact as I cross the street.

Shoveler: What the hell? He's going over to help Mike. Again? Mike has a friggin' snow blower! He just came out. I've been digging away at my driveway for over an hour. Look at chicken shit snowblower "man"! He wont even look me in the eye! Hello?!?!? I'm right over here! I'm barely started over here?!? I'm near cardiac arrest?!?! In ten minutes he could clear this driveway! I mean, fine do your own and ignore the shovelers but then he's going to help his fellow snowblower?!?!? Be damned to us shovelers? Really? Okay, I see how it is.

Snowblower: I hope John understands how it is. The snowblowers need to stand together. We can' be helping the shovellers. Get a damn snow blower!! It's not my job to be the neighborhood good deeder. Going about snow blowing the driveways of shovelers. Lowly shovelers!!!! Once you help one shoveler you may as well help them all.

Shoveler: It's not like he'd need to help all the shovelers. I'm his next door neighbor!?!

Snowblower: Does he want some special favor because he's my next door neighbor?

Shoveler: Damn straight I expect some next door neighbor favor or something! I guess that isn't right. I could get my own snowblower. I have one in the garage, actually. One I got from my sis. It doesn't work yet. But when it does that could ease the tension.

Snowblower: If John would just break down and get a damn snowblower that could ease this tension!

Shoveler: So soon I'll be a snowblower. And only Pete down the street and that guy who lives with the black dog and never leaves his house will be the only ones left shoveling. I know that when I get my snowblower working, I won't forget about the shovelers. Especially, on the odd few winter storm days when you get buried like we did today. I won't forget about how hard it was to shovel. Even as I sweep those last few flakes off my pristine clean asphalt I won't forget. I might even look up for a moment and make eye contact with one of them as I put away my blower and go back inside my house or maybe cross the street to help Mike or Tom finish their driveways... I'll look up with a wink and a nod of how I'd been there once. And I'll wonder to myself about when their lazy asses are going to get themselves a snowblower for crying out loud? Some people, like shovelers, they got a lot of nerve.