ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Really Useful Phone Apps For Men

Updated on December 14, 2012

Smart Phones for Dummies Guide

Oh come on! You have got to be kidding! I just saw that commercial for those wonderful new smart phone apps. I'm referring to the one with the cute actress that says, "Where'd ya get that app?" They also throw in some guy actor that gets paid to look interested.

According to the new geek-speak, an app is short for an application. It seems the smarter we get, the fewer the syllables we have to shorten our words; a side effect from becoming too intelligent. I will admit that 'Smart phones' and their new apps can do many useful & wonderful things. They're like these little mini-handheld computers and PDA's. The average pimple-faced teenager with his baggie jeans hanging down around his knees carries more technology around in his front pocket than NASA had to put a man on the moon. However I am not impressed. A smart phone that can do my taxes, decipher the IRS, understand complicated things like women and math, now I'm interested. Give me a smart phone app that washes the car or takes out the garbage. That's what I'm saying!

Why pay hundreds of dollars for new technology and expensive data plans that can only do low-tech stuff that Wilma and Betty could do with just a dinosaur and a couple of pulleys? I just don't see it. I hate to play the spoiler but do we really need a few more expensive gimmicks that don't really do anything?

Now that you got me going here, let me remind you about all those wonderful gimmicks of yester-year that have gone the way of the stegosaurus. Where do I start? Remember those awful old eight-track players or have you forgotten the VCR's that everyone had to have but no one could operate just a few years ago? Extinct! Today they're taking up space in landfills while someone is living lavish like an episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Fraudulent. The interviewer asks, "How did you get so wealthy?" He's sipping lemonade on his yacht while the butler wipes his mouth and he says, "I sold eight track players!" I didn't want to say this but I will since you've got me all steamed up; here it comes. Sucker! What about those awful old computers with memory so low it could be counted on an abacus? You know, the ones with the old monitors the size of a pinto? Don't blush! Take it like a man ...or maybe like a gender-neutral pansy! Yeah, you bought one too when it was the latest & greatest! Consumers are so stupid! They also bought those stereo systems the size of a piano that played records! Or cordless phones that weighed as much as a small refrigerator and had a range of ...ten feet! And then there were these satellite dishes the size of a James Bond evil villains ego-maniacal space conquest scheme. Let's face it. We see some fledgling new technology and get greedy for the latest new contraption and our I.Q. takes a nose dive into the 'Stoo-pid' Pool. Yes, I said that!

Let me give you this wonderful little consumer protection tid-bit that will save you thousands; just say No. It worked with drugs and it works just as well with stupidity too. You see, this is the way it works. Rampant consumerism is driven by greed and what I can only describe as a gadget-oriented mania obsessive-compulsive possession syndrome - - similar to a kleptomaniac that steals from himself. Which is why we feel compelled to rush out to buy the latest new technology on credit but before you can pay it off at that extravagant interest rate the greasy little clerk in the over-sized warehouse showroom sold you, Wa-la! It's already obsolete! By the time you make your last payment, you can only use it as a door stop or a paper weight. Or put it in a museum beside the old-fashioned phone booth.


What men really want!

Back to Really Useful Cell Phone Apps for Men; those new apps can do all kinds of nifty things like handle credit card transactions, scan bar codes, count calories, and track the pizza delivery boy while you lounge aorund on a soft couch in front of a T.V. the size of a Drive-thru while your brain turns to peanut-butter as you slowlly degenerate into a pastry-shaped zombie with glazed-over eyes. Congratulations, slug! A hundred years from now people will have evolved back into amobeas. So to help out the industry I have proposed some apps for men that are actually useful. Here they are;

  • One that tells you how long your wife is going to be mad at you so you can know how many weeks you have to sleep on the couch.
  • This one alerts you that your mother-in-law is coming to visit before she actually shows up at your front door.
  • Your wife is hungry but as usual she has no clue what she wants to eat so she expects you to know. This app tells her what it is she wants, letting you off the hook.
  • She asks you the dreaded question; "Does this dress make my butt look huge?" It says, "Yes," so you don't have to.
  • She wants to yak while the big game is on. It's the last quarter so this app acts like it's actually cares what she's saying so you don't have to. Meanwhile you get to finish the game in peace.
  • She's fussing at you for something you did ten years ago. So your phone calls her phone to distract her while you sneak off to play golf with the guys.

The bottom line...

These are apps that men really want. Not some really expensive data plan with some hi-tech phone that's so complicated an engineer can't use. The bottom line is that they are just after you're money! Why do we then buy those out-dated cell phones with data plans the size of a small mortgage only so they disintegrate before you can finish paying off the contract?

So the next time you walk into that hi-tech glittery showroom repository of super-cool new gadgets we call the cell phone store and that smooth-talking former used-car salesman turned smart phone sales rep guy tries to put one over on you; tell him, "No way dude!" And then hit him over the head with your eight-track player!


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • jimagain profile image

      jimagain 5 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Thanks again! I love it when actual writers read my Hubs. I always enjoy reading yours. I esp. love the political commentary ones you have written and the persepctives on life and humor. And that dog! God gave us dogs for their refreshing unpretentious demanor, plus I think they serve as role models for humans. I know I aspire to possess half the virtue my dog does.

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      These are awesome! Great hub!

    • jimagain profile image

      jimagain 6 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Agreed! I think you're on to something here. Everybody loves a conspiracy but this one may be more 'conspirical' than all the others put together! I just wrapped my entire head in aluminum foil to keep them from reading my mind! Now if you could just decipher my cell phone bill I would bestow the title of Grand Enlightened Genius upon you.

    • parrster profile image

      Richard Parr 6 years ago from Oz

      Encore, more, more. I backed out of the IT industry after eight years of gadget-itis madness. Personally I think it's a conspiracy of the pharmaceuticals. Think about it; electromagnetic radiation from all the unnecessary gadgets, plus RSI from all that stupid texting, plus early onsite dementia from all the monosyllabic facebooking, equals big bucks for the medical industry; they're setting us all up to cover their future holiday expenses. We need nothing less than an U.G.L.Y* revolution. Swing that eight track.

      *Useless Gadget Liquidating Year

    • jimagain profile image

      jimagain 6 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Thanks lisa42! As one who has frivolously spent good money on eight-tracks and cell phones, I have much invested in this subject. This explains why I have not yet retired to live on a yacht. Sigh! I only fear one day someone will discover I too am obsolete and toss me into a landfill as well!

      I am so glad you read this one! Thank you again!!!

    • lisa42 profile image

      lisa42 6 years ago from Sacramento

      Love it! My particular favorite was the app that alerts you when your mother-in-law is on the way. I think this would be handy for men AND women.