ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Useful Phone Apps For Men

Updated on May 9, 2020
jimagain profile image

Jim is an accomplished writer with many great literary achievements, most of which he simply made up.

Source

Smart Phones for Dummies Guide

I admit it. I'm a sucker for gadgets and gimmicks. Cell phone companies and marketers know this, which is why they prey upon my lack of restraint. So when a commercial for the latest smart phone comes on, with all those glitzy apps that make Star Trek gadgets look like something out of the Flintstones, I revert to my inner child. Who knew a phone could do so many incredible things!

According to the new geek-speak, an app is short for an application. It seems the smarter we get, the fewer the syllables we are forced to shorten our words; a side effect from becoming too intelligent. I will admit that smart phones and their new apps can do many useful & wonderful things. They're like little mini handheld computers. The average pimple-faced teenager with his baggie jeans hanging down around his knees carries more technology around in his front pocket than NASA had to put a man on the moon.

A smart phone that can do my taxes, decipher what my wife meant, helps do the kids math homework, or mow the lawn; I'm impressed. Give me a smart phone app that remembers my wife's anniversary or takes out the trash in the fourth quarter when my wife demands. That's what I'm saying!

Why pay hundreds of dollars for new technology and expensive data plans that can only do low-tech chores that Wilma and Betty could do with just a dinosaur and a couple of pulleys? I just don't see it. I hate to play the spoiler but do we really need more overpriced gimmicks that don't really do anything useful?

Source

'New & Improved' to Obsolete

Now that you got me going here, let me remind you about all those wonderful gimmicks of yester-year that have gone the way of the stegosaurus and the Studebaker. Where do I start? Remember those awful old eight-track players or have you forgotten the VCR's that everyone had to have but no one could operate just a few years ago? Extinct! Today they're taking up space in landfills while someone is living lavish like an episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Fraudulent. The interviewer asks, "How did you get so wealthy?" He's sipping lemonade on his yacht while the butler wipes his mouth and he says, "I sold eight-track players!"

Anyone under forty must immediately pause and google to see what an eight-track player is..

What about those awful old computers with memory so low it could be counted on an abacus? You know, the ones with the old monitors the size of a Ford Pinto?

-another pause to google.

Don't blush! Take it like a man ...or a gender-neutral pansy! Yeah, you bought one too when it was the latest & greatest! Consumers are so stupid! They also bought those stereo systems the size of a piano that played vinyl records! Have we forgotten those cordless phones that weighed as much as a small refrigerator and had a range of ...ten feet! Who can forget those satellite dishes the size of a James Bond' evil villains ego-maniacal space conquest scheme. Let's face it. We see some fledgling new technology and get greedy for the latest new contraption and our I.Q. takes a nose dive.

Here's how it works. Rampant consumerism is driven by greed and what I can only describe as a gadget-oriented obsessive-compulsive mania - similar to a kleptomaniac that steals from himself. Which is why we feel compelled to rush out to buy the latest new technology on credit but before you can pay it off at that extravagant interest rate the greasy little clerk with the goatee sold you, Wa-la! It's already obsolete! By the time you make your last payment, you can only use it as a door stop or a paper weight.

What men really want!

Back to Really Useful Cell Phone Apps for Men; those new apps can do all kinds of nifty things like handle credit card transactions, scan bar codes, count calories, and track the pizza delivery boy while you lounge aorund on a soft couch in front of a T.V. the size of a Drive-thru movie screen while your brain turns to mush as you slowlly degenerate into a pastry-shaped zombie with glazed-over eyes. Congratulations, slug! A hundred years from now people will have evolved back into amobeas. So to help out the industry and in the interest of the consumer, I would like to propose apps for men that are actually useful.

Here they are;

  • One that tells you how long your wife is going to be mad at you so you can know how long you have to sleep on the couch.
  • This one alerts you that your mother-in-law is coming to visit before she actually shows up at your front door.
  • Your wife is hungry but as usual she has no clue what she wants to eat but she expects you to know. This app tells her what it is she wants, letting you off the hook.
  • She asks you the dreaded question; "Does this dress make my butt look huge?" It says, "Yes" so you don't have to.
  • She wants to yak while the big game is on. It's the last quarter so this app acts like it's actually cares what she's saying so you don't have to. Meanwhile you get to finish the game in peace.
  • She's fussing at you for something you did ten years ago. So your phone calls her phone to distract her while you sneak off to play golf with the guys.

The bottom line...

These are apps that men really want. Not some really expensive data plan with some hi-tech phone that's so complicated an engineer can't use. The bottom line is that they are just after you're money! Why do we then buy those out-dated cell phones with data plans the size of a small mortgage only so they disintegrate before you can finish paying off the contract?

So the next time you walk into that hi-tech glittery showroom repository of super-cool new gadgets we call the cell phone store and that smooth-talking sales rep that suspiciously resembles the kid from the drive-thru burger place tries to put one over on you; tell him, "No way, punk!" And then hit him over the head with your eight-track player!

© 2011 Jim Henderson

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • jimagain profile imageAUTHOR

      Jim Henderson 

      9 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Thanks again! I love it when actual writers read my Hubs. I always enjoy reading yours. I esp. love the political commentary ones you have written and the persepctives on life and humor. And that dog! God gave us dogs for their refreshing unpretentious demanor, plus I think they serve as role models for humans. I know I aspire to possess half the virtue my dog does.

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 

      9 years ago from Virginia

      These are awesome! Great hub!

    • jimagain profile imageAUTHOR

      Jim Henderson 

      10 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Agreed! I think you're on to something here. Everybody loves a conspiracy but this one may be more 'conspirical' than all the others put together! I just wrapped my entire head in aluminum foil to keep them from reading my mind! Now if you could just decipher my cell phone bill I would bestow the title of Grand Enlightened Genius upon you.

    • parrster profile image

      Richard Parr 

      10 years ago from Australia

      Encore, more, more. I backed out of the IT industry after eight years of gadget-itis madness. Personally I think it's a conspiracy of the pharmaceuticals. Think about it; electromagnetic radiation from all the unnecessary gadgets, plus RSI from all that stupid texting, plus early onsite dementia from all the monosyllabic facebooking, equals big bucks for the medical industry; they're setting us all up to cover their future holiday expenses. We need nothing less than an U.G.L.Y* revolution. Swing that eight track.

      *Useless Gadget Liquidating Year

    • jimagain profile imageAUTHOR

      Jim Henderson 

      10 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Thanks lisa42! As one who has frivolously spent good money on eight-tracks and cell phones, I have much invested in this subject. This explains why I have not yet retired to live on a yacht. Sigh! I only fear one day someone will discover I too am obsolete and toss me into a landfill as well!

      I am so glad you read this one! Thank you again!!!

    • lisa42 profile image

      lisa42 

      10 years ago from Sacramento

      Love it! My particular favorite was the app that alerts you when your mother-in-law is on the way. I think this would be handy for men AND women.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)