How to Become a Reality Show Star in 10 Easy Steps
Change Your Life!
Are you bored with your current financial situation? Are you tired of going to work each day? Would you like to spice up your life? Maybe you just feel the need to have random strangers in your home following you everywhere with cameras? Of course! Don't we all feel that way sometimes?
It sounds like you want to be the next reality TV star! I am sure you are ready for the excitement (and the paycheck) right now. I know what you are thinking, "Jeannie, how do I do this?" Well, I am here to give you some advice. Of course, I am not a reality show star, but I would like to think I could certainly become one if I followed these 10 easy steps! It is all a matter of choice, if you really think about it.
Step 1: Audition Time
Your first step to becoming the next big reality show star is to audition. Don't know where to start? Well, start googling television networks, visit their sites, and start that audition process. Some reality shows are so thoughtful, they will actually take their entire crew to your town so you do not even have to travel. Wow! Thanks American Idol and America's Got Talent!
OK, so maybe you can't sing and maybe you don't have talent. Don't let that stop you! Surely you can travel to New York or California to audition for other shows. Have you ever wanted to lose weight rapidly and risk your life? Well, it's time to audition for Survivor. Are you young and don't have too many inhibitions? Looks like its time to audition for the Real World. Perhaps you are lonely and looking for love. Just imagine the countless dating shows out there! There are plenty of other great shows just waiting for you, as well. It just depends on your interests and your standards (the lower the better!) and you never know what you might find.
Step 2: Pitch That Idea!
OK, so the audition stage in the 10 easy steps did not work out. You are not going to let that stop you, right? Start making some calls and make some new friends, and you can pitch your own idea for a reality show. Don't have any ideas? Of course you do. What do you do all day? What can you pretend to do all day? You can come up with something.
Even if the major networks won't take you, don't let that stop you and your great idea. There are a ton of cable channels out there with even lower standards. Start knocking on some doors! Of course, it helps if you are into ghost hunting, have given birth to 5 or more children at once, have some type of addiction, or your last name is Kardashian.
Step 3: The Lower the IQ, the Bigger the Paycheck
Now, we are going to assume you've managed to land on a show by now. Honestly, it doesn't matter how you've gotten to this point. You are a success just because you've made it this far. Now it is time to become the big reality show star!
It helps if you have a really low IQ for reality TV. The lower the IQ, the better. You say your IQ is not low at all. What? That is OK. You can just fake being stupid. I am sure reality show celebrities do it all the time. If they were really that stupid... well, I would just have to give up all hope for the human race. We can't do that, now can we?
Step 4: Create a New Catch Phrase
Now that people believe you are not even smart enough to tie your own shoes, you need to think of a witty catch phrase. All the coolest reality show stars have a catch phrase. You don't want to aim too high on this one. Go for something short and cute.
Please note: "That's hot," "You're fired," and "It's t-shirt time!" are already taken.
Step 5: Get Drunk
This is pretty easy. If you are not acting stupid enough to appeal to the audience, you are just going to have to lower your IQ with alcohol. It is really the only way to make a big scene at this point and have a memorable performance. You may ask, "Where are some great places to get drunk?" Don't worry. I have a handy list for you:
- At home
- The club
- The sidewalk
- The bar
- The deck
- The yard
- The car
- The boat
- The beach
- The pool
- And much, much more!
Bonus points to you if you vomit. Even more bonus points if you fall down drunk or, better yet, pass out.
Step 6: Start a Fight
What is better than getting drunk? Starting a fight! So maybe violence is wrong and we live in a civilized world where this type of behavior should be frowned upon. Wrong! This is reality TV. Reality shows have nothing to do with the civilized world. So it is time to turn around and pick a fight with an unsuspecting roommate, neighbor, random person, mail carrier, etc. Just start a fight and watch the ratings soar.
Step 7: Get Drunk and Start a Fight
It's a reality show double whammy! Everyone wants to see a great fight break out because someone is totally drunk. If someone throws a drink in somebody else's face, awesome! Who doesn't want to see a good drunken brawl? If the cops show up, the show is a sure winner. If someone gets arrested, that is even better. Of course, it might be tough to decide who on the show is going to "take one for the team" and go to jail.
While the cameras are turned around or not rolling, try to determine whose turn it is to go to jail this time. It isn't fair to always send the same person. You can also draw straws. It is not that hard to find straws. Chances are, this conversation will occur at a bar anyway. There are usually straws available at any good bar.
Step 8: Cry Like a Sissy
When all else fails, start crying. No one likes a sissy, but if that is all you've got, give it a go. People will at least remember you. In most situations, when you realize what your life has become, it will be pretty easy to start sobbing. You will not even have to fake the tears one bit. Also, it is perfectly acceptable to start crying while drunk. Most audience members actually prefer it that way.
Step 9: No Shame = Fame
Do you have strong moral values? Uh-oh. That will never do on a reality show. You'd better leave that at the door if you want to be the next big reality show celebrity.
When it comes to being a reality show star, you need to show little or no manners. When it comes to human decency, this is not the time to show any of that.
Does your family embarrass easily? Yes? Well, they are going to be a problem. Will they accept some hush money or are they going to have to disown you? Perhaps with a little extra cash coming their way, they may also be willing to humiliate themselves in front of the camera right along with you.
Step 10: It's Time to Get Nude, Dude
So there you are with your new reality show roommates and there is a perfectly lovely pool, hot tub, bathtub, kitchen sink, bird bath, or some other type of object that holds water. Isn't it time to get naked?
You'd better believe it is time to get nude if you want this show to be a hit. If you don't have a tub or a good excuse to get naked, oh well. Do it anyway. You can't become a celebrity without great ratings, so start tearing those clothes off now!
Lights, Camera, Action!
Now that you've learned the 10 easy steps to becoming a reality show star, it is time to go out there and do it. Wait? You say you've got second thoughts now? What is wrong with you? Are morals actually starting to creep their way into the picture? Shame on you! I guess you are not interested in my ideas about promoting your new diet / fitness / success story / autobiography. That is OK. I am not starring in any reality shows anytime soon either.
Disclaimer: If anyone from any reality shows actually ever read this, well, hey - thanks! But most of all, this is all in good fun. No matter what I say, I still watch those shows. I couldn't write this if I didn't. Oh, and stop drinking so much! You are surely embarrassing your family!