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The Old Pilot and the Lesbian - Redneck Tale # 17

Updated on August 11, 2012
Photo - A hot one at Starbucks
Photo - A hot one at Starbucks

Filipo Penderson Scores With This One

A friend of mine; that is, an "old Air Force friend of mine," sent a funny story to me today. I don’t know where he got the tale – it’s one of those things that make the rounds on the Internet – but it pulled a chuckle out of me. Perhaps you will enjoy it a wee bit, too. To keep the Hubpages folks undisturbed with my purloining someone else’s stories, I have changed it around such that it is not outright plagiarism. Nonetheless, I confess. I stole it.

Even so, Filipo, send more!!!

Photo - One of those little Air Force jets
Photo - One of those little Air Force jets

And What Are You?

Filipo Penderson, Air Force ace pilot and flight instructor of some fame among his contemporaries, most of whom were now like Filipo, right around the age of 80 or so, limped into the neighborhood coffee shop as he did every morning.

As he sat at his table, sipping on his cup of hot Starbucks, in came a good looking gal who sat down next to him. She looked at the Air Force pin he always wore over his left breast pocket and spoke. "Hey, that’s a beautiful pin. Are you a pilot?"

He answered, "Well, you are kinda beautiful, too, and, yes, I’m a pilot all right. I started flying with a Piper Cub when I was still a kid. Then came an Aeronca, and next there was an old Stearman. Near the end of World War II I flew B-17s, and when Vietnam came along, I was into B-52s. When my time was up in Vietnam I came back to the ZI and taught lots of new pilots how to get off of the ground and stay in the air. After I retired from the Air Force I went with American Airlines until I hit 65. Now I do a little cloud-busting on weekends just for fun."

"Yes, I suppose I am a real pilot. And… what are you?"

Said the pretty lady; "I’m a lesbian. All day long I think about beautiful women – when I get up in the morning until I hit the sack at night. I think about ‘em when I shower, when I eat meals, when I watch TV. Whatever I do, it makes me think about them."

Photo - "In my old age at that - This old flyboy is still learning about myself!"
Photo - "In my old age at that - This old flyboy is still learning about myself!"

But I Just Now Found Out...

There they sat, neither one of them speaking any more. The old pilot kind of rolled his eyes and wrinkled his nose; all with a puzzled look overall on his well-lined face.

In walked a young man. He picked up some Starbucks from the counter and sat down next to the old fellow on the other side. Seeing that Air Force pin on Penderson’s jacket, the young man asked him, "Air Force, huh? Are you a pilot?"

"Well, I was pretty sure that I was, son, but I just now found out that I’m really a lesbian."


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    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 2 years ago from USA

      Howdy Luis (LuisEGonzales on HubPages) -

      I only wish that I had originated that funny story. It was my late friend, Phil Pender, who sent the original tale to me. I tweaked it a little bit, but that was not easy to do, for I was laughing while beating away on the keyboard.

      Something of interest to you, for you are a remarkably capable photographer (no joke, that one!) - my radiologist friend sharing your first name, Luis, and his wife opened and operated a large photo gallery (more like a photo museum) for several years here in this city of several million population. The gallery went into bankruptcy recently. Scares me that good photos did not sell well enough to keep it open.

      I've been playing at "ruining" perfectly good photos lately. I suppose I will put a hub together featuring the damages.


      Gus :-)))

    • LuisEGonzalez profile image

      Luis E Gonzalez 2 years ago from Miami, Florida

      lol.....I'm still recovering from this one....when you think about it....I guess I'm one too!

    • attemptedhumour profile image

      attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

      Now to be known as Gus Light fingers.

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 6 years ago from USA

      Hi Keith (attemptedhumour) - What is worth a read is probably worth a steal. The story was a funny one and not to be wasted.

      Gus :-)))

    • attemptedhumour profile image

      attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

      There's nothing wrong with stealing, and then tweaking, other people's stuff, but admitting it is another story. I've heard the same story in other versions, but it's still worth a read. Cheers Gus:)

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 7 years ago from USA

      Howdy tnderhrt23 - My buddy, Filipo, told me one just about like this one. When he did so, I had to work with it and let my man HubPages friends enjoy it.

      Gus :-)))

    • tnderhrt23 profile image

      tnderhrt23 7 years ago

      ROFLMHO!!! You made my day with this one, Gus!!! One of my sons told me once that if he were a woman, he would be a lesbian because men are dirty, hairy, nasty, and smell bad! LOLOLOL Great write, stolen story or no!

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 7 years ago from USA

      toknowinfo - Sometimes we thieves do something right.

      Gus :-)))

    • toknowinfo profile image

      toknowinfo 7 years ago

      HaHa, I really enjoyed this Gus. Thanks for stealing the story and sharing it. Rated up and funny.

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 7 years ago from USA

      Howdy "epi" - Yeah - it's a pretty funny story. I wish that I had been the first to think of it, but my good buddy beat me to it. The only consolation is that my version is better than was his. Must have been the coffee, right?

      He told me something today that is worthy of a good article... He and I are heavily into a very special veterans' association. My friend has a heart problem and, like me, had open heart surgery a while back. He just sponsored a meeting of vets in his area at which he asked "How many of you folks have 'zippers,' like me?" He told me, "Gus, I about fell over when, seriously, at least half of the 40 in attendance raised their hands." An interesting avenue to explore, and I will attempt that when I have a moment away from my current nonsense.

      Gus :-)))

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 7 years ago

      ...well now ... this sounds like a title that the epi-man might come up with ... lol lol - The Old pilot and the lesbian - so it's always very enjoyable to come here and read and laugh and rejoice in your infinite witty wisdom and then go away a better man for it!!!!!

      I sincerely hope all is well with you .....these days friend!!!!!

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 8 years ago from USA

      Hi Springboard - If one considers the teaching and learning qualities of our current schools, the young man probably was wondering "what in the world is a 'lesbian?'"

      Gus ;0

    • Springboard profile image

      Springboard 8 years ago from Wisconsin

      lol. One of those record scratch kinda moments, you think? I can imagine what must have gone through the young kid's mind at just that moment. :)

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 8 years ago from USA

      MPM - Thanks for commenting, Brother Manly ! But... did you mean "wit" or "wilt?" (Just asking.)

      Gus ;-)))

    • manlypoetryman profile image

      manlypoetryman 8 years ago from (Texas !) Boldly Writing Poems Where No Man Has Gone Before...

      Another Bit of Redneck Wit...if you ask me! Guess...that ol' jet pilot didn't expect to have his flight plan changed like that...? Bet...he had a hard time answering the last question from the guy...after that good looking gal...had thrown him into a "Tail-spin"! But...this Tale makes perfect me! Thanks for your Redneck Tales...and Redneck friend. Many great wishes to ya' in this New Year ! MPM

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 8 years ago from USA

      Hi hotspur - That's what we elders are for - to inspire others to enter into pathways heretofore untraveled.

      Gus :-)))

    • hotspur profile image

      hotspur 8 years ago from England

      Well that's just increased the lesbian population by a many millions. Nice one!

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 8 years ago from USA

      Hi Ttagpine - Actually one of my friends sent it to me, and I liked the tale enough to cause me to greatly add to it and change stuff a lot. I even changed my buddy's name, leaving some of it his and the rest of it made up. Then I emailed to him a told him that his story "massivly improved" was on Hubpages and that it was OK for him to tell all of his friends on his mailing list. He did just that. I am looking forward to seeing your stories. From which port do you float to service the oil rigs?

      Gus :-)))

    • ttagpine profile image

      George S McChristian 8 years ago from Louisiana, USA

      Excellent story.

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 8 years ago from USA

      Big John - That's what Frank Buck used to do back in the late 30's and into the 40's - "Bring Them Back Alive." Anyway, everybody needs a good ATC to keep them out of trouble. You will recall that all-too-true statement that "There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots."

      Gus :-)))

    • Hmrjmr1 profile image

      Hmrjmr1 8 years ago from Georgia, USA

      Gus - That is exactly why all those 'hot' Pilots needed an Air Traffic Controller like me to tell them where to put their planes!:) :) :D :D

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 8 years ago from USA

      Filipo - Thanks for the story frame. That is why you are famous. Gus :-)))

    • profile image

      Filipo 8 years ago

      Thanks Gus for putting me on your Hall of Fame. Yeh I thought I was a pilot too but oh those beautiful women what they do to me.


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