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Satanic Celebrities

Updated on July 3, 2011

Cheerful wee chappies...

Celebrities are sexy, but what's even more sexy than celebrities is Satan. Combine the two, and my friends, you have yourself the sort of marketing sensation that makes reps drool all over themselves. Check out the dark overlords of the celebrity scene. Strangely, these are all men who I would describe as being 'mature' if not straight out past their sell by date. Where are the young, hot satanists to take their place? Has the devil lost his place in the entertainment industry? Or is he just hanging out in D&D Role playing games now? This is the sort of question that could keep one up for a rather long time at night. While you're up, check out the old guard of Evil, and pick which one you'd sleep with, or turn gay for. This isn't just a way to kill the time, it's an exercise in spirituality too.

Marilyn Manson - Was pretty dark in his early days, now seems to spend more time trading in burlesque singers for wannabes half their age. Marilyn's creepy appearance was originally inspired by the fact that he's actually quite odd looking when you get down to it, so much so that the 'accentuate the positive' philosophy was just never going to work for him. Instead of accentuating the positive, he went for 'exacerbate the negative', got a kick ass drummer on board, and rebellious teens went mental from there on out. Marilyn's satanic acts are really rather low key, and in interviews he comes across as being vastly intelligent, which must make playing the role of a devil muppet hugely frustrating, but hey, it sure pulls in the ladies alright.

Ozzy Osbourne - Ozzy once bit the head off a bat, but later it turned out he was unaware it was alive. If you've watched any of 'The Osbournes' episodes, you'll completely understand how that happened. Ozzy appears almost perpetually confused, and I am pretty convinced that he was much the same 10 or 15 years ago. Thus it is not certain whether Ozzy is technically satanic, or just not in full possession of his faculties (Cue a series of comments about the legality of marrying and breeding with someone who is so messed up that he can't tell the difference between dead and live animals. Isn't that technically rape?)

Gene Simmons - Of KISS fame, Gene's alter ego is a daemon in high heels. This sexually confusing take on Satanism has proved to be hugely popular, proving once more that if you play your music loud enough, nobody will notice your cross dressing, bi-sexual tendencies.

Tom Cruise - If certain people (aka religious fundamentalists) are to be believed, then Tom Cruise is a Satanist, due to the fact that he has become a very high ranking member of the 'Satanic' cult of Scientology. Unfortunately it would seem that many have confused the terms 'Satanic' with 'Silly as all hell'. It's an easy mistake to make, but lets not slander the guy.


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