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Set Phasers to Pun

Updated on April 22, 2010

Star Trek Episodes left on the cutting room floor

Set Phasers to Pun

The Enterprise slips into a temporal fold in the space-time continuum caused by excessive static electricity from the blenders in 10 Forward. The ship emerges in a parallel dimension populated by bad comedians who were expelled from their home worlds. Commander Data learns the meaning of humor through numerous open mike nights on the holodeck. Counselor Troy has her feelings hurt by legions of Andrew Dice Clay clones. Captain Picard locks himself in his ready room and enjoys flashbacks to a simpler time before he spontaneously developed an English accent.

Set Phasers to Run

The Enterprise receives a distress call from Oxymoron 5, a planet populated by a colony of rogue politicians. The planet is in danger of slipping out of orbit and losing its atmosphere and its gravity and all its water and is also under attack by intergalactic PAC beasts from the Teamster Solar System. Commander Data is unable to communicate with the colonists because they are completely illogical. Captain Picard issues Lt. Worf a standing order to deploy his bat'leth whenever the ships computer detects a campaign promise.

Set Phasers to Shun

Commander Riker returns from a holiday on the planet Sleazeoid 12, bringing with him a colony of intergalactic bedbugs that infests the Enterprise. Commander Data becomes a little more human as he learns how to scratch himself until he bleeds. The Enterprise is rebuffed at every star base, remote federation way station, remote science colony, remote neutral zone outpost, and Borg Cube. Doctor Crusher uses the ships' computer to locate a Wal Mart in a perpendicular dimension.

Set Phasers to Mung

A malfunction in the replicator causes the crew to eat nothing but beans. The Enterprise becomes virtually uninhabitable as the crew evacuates (?) to the saucer section and waits for Star Fleet scientists to deliver industrial quantities of Pepto Bismol. Commander Riker misses everything because he's on vacation.

Set Phasers to Dun

A rogue interior decorator on the run from authorities in several star systems is rescued by the Enterprise. He steals a shuttlecraft and rearranges the control panels according to universal Feng Shui. Captain Picard authorizes Counselor Troy to negotiate with the Ferengei for new furniture in 10 Forward. Commander Riker discovers the advantages of Spandex after an extended vacation spanning several solar systems.

Set Phasers to Bunn

Returning from yet another vacation on yet another sleazoid planet, Commander Riker introduces the Good Ship Enterprise to intergalacticly strong coffee. Command Data overclocks his positronic brain using liquid nitrogen and tachyon particles. Commander LaForge stays up for 3 consecutive light years (I know, I know) to reconfigure the warp coil, getting it right on the first try and putting the Enterprise in no danger whatsoever.

Set Phasers to Donne

Bored with Sherlock Holmes, Commander Data immerses himself in metaphysical poets. Captain Picard waxes philosophical as he violates the Prime Directive. Counselor Troy helps Lt. Worf communicate with his inner murderous child. Ferengei traders open a used book store in 10 Forward. Doctor Crusher goes back in time, or time comes forward to her, or a phase-shifted universe pulls her in, or maybe she just has a bad dream. Regardless of how she gets there, she gets to wear overly snug period-based costumes.

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    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      I thought this was funny.

    • profile image

      Gene 7 years ago

      You'll be hearing from our lawyers

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      This is not a episode guide to any season whatsoever.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 8 years ago from south Florida

      A planet called Oxymoron 5 - there were 4 others?

      Another planet named Sleazeoid? Nicom - you're too much. I can't stop laughing.

    • Nemingha profile image

      Nemingha 8 years ago

      Wow, I'm so glad these episodes were left on the cutting-room floor! But don't knock the English accent please, I absolutely adored Patrick Stewart as Captain Picard!

    • The Old Firm profile image

      The Old Firm 8 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

      Bugger the rest, show us pics of Dr June Crusher in her overly snug period-based costumes. I want to see June busting out all-over!

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