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Sign! Sign! Everywhere a Funny Sign

Updated on October 4, 2008

Auto Repairs, Body Shops, Etc.

Outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary.

We hear you coming."

Sign in 'George's Service Station'

Glen Ellen, CA:

If your car sounds like:

"ping-click-ping" - $10.00

"click-whine-click" - $25.00

"clunk-whine-clunk" - $50.00

"thud-clunk-thud" - $100.00

"clang-thudc-clang" - $300.00

"Can't describe it" - $500.00

At a Towing Company:

"We don't want an arm and a leg.

We want your tows."

At An Auto Body Shop:

"May we have the next dents?"

At An Auto Repair Service Station:

Free pick-up and delivery.

Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

At A Tire Shop In Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

Sign at a Chicago radiator shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

Churches:

On a Church Door:

This is the gate of Heaven.

Enter ye all by this door.

(This door is kept locked because of the draft.

Please use side entrance)

Actual Clippings From Church Bulletins:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love.

Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

Funny Classified Ad:

Free Puppies !!

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog

Doctors & Hospitals:

Over a gynecologist's office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

On a maternity room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

you've come to the right place."

In a podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

At a proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

Laundromat:

In a Laundromat:

Automatic washing machines.

Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Miscellaneous:

In A Safari Park:

Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

At a propane filling station:

"Tank heaven for little grills."

Message On A Leaflet:

If you cannot read,

this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

At The Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your bill.

However, if you don't, you will be."

On A Scientist's Door:

"Gone Fission"

On A Taxidermist's Window:

"We really know our stuff."

Outside A Hotel:

"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

In the front yard of a funeral home:

"Drive carefully.

We'll wait."

At A Farmer's Field:

"The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

On A Billboard - Ad For A Safe Company:

"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."

Quicksand Warning:

Quicksand.

Any person passing this point will be drowned.

By order of the District Council.

Sign spotted on the back window of a small car being pulled by a motor home:

"I go where I'm towed."

On a fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -

miss a car payment."

Don't Even THINK About Thinking About Parking Here!

Offices:

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

A sign on the elevator door:

"This elevator is out of whack."

Later someone had penciled in, "More whack is on order."

In a nonsmoking area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and we will Put you out."

Seen During A Conference:

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Plumbers & Electricians:

"The Best Place in Town to Take a Leak"

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On an electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

Restaurants:

Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

In A Restaurant Window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry,

come in and get fed up."

Restrooms:

In A Restroom:

Toilet out of order.

Please use floor below.

Bill's Septic Cleaning

"We Haul American Made Products"

Headline:

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL

In A Washroom Stall:

"To avoid flooding please do not flush anything but toilet paper."

Get a Little John -- The Traveling Urinal

Holds 2-1/2 Bottles of Beer

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:

"We're #1 in the #2 business"

Funny signs

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