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Sodomites, Vaginamites and Cockites: Welcome to the Demise of Morality

Updated on January 21, 2012
Vaginamite
Vaginamite

Well, it turns out I’m a vaginamite. I had no idea. I’m not even that happy about it despite my general obsession with, well, vagina.

Okay, I am thinking that some of you are probably thinking, “WTF is a vaginamite?” and, honestly, that’s a fair question. It’s actually very similar to the question I asked when I found out that a gay friend of mine is a “sodomite.”

Apparently, if you are a gay male in America, there are many people who consider you to be a “sodomite.” Being an ignorant of such things, I had to ask what that meant. So, thankfully, I was told how it works.

You see, people who are gay, are, well, gay. That means they like people of the same sex as themselves. If you happen to be male and feel this way, then apparently the only thing that matters in our society is that, if you find someone with whom you share enough things in common (like literature, dog loving, exercise habits, work ethic, religion, political views, artistic sensibility, music… etc.), we, as a culture, reduce you to the sexual activities that might occur once you find someone with whom you share all those things in common. So, since some sexual contact of some particular type might take place we, therefore, assign you a label by which we can then decide how to treat you.

Cockite
Cockite

If it’s a man-on-man thing, you will, by iron decree, be indulging in sex of the posterior region making you a sodomite. If you are a male who likes chicks, you are, clearly a vaginamite (like me), and if you are a chick who likes dudes, you are a cockite. It's so simple.

Sodomites are the main focus though. But that's cool. The beauty and simplicity of this identification system, “sodomidenity,” is that it removes any need for thinking or expectation of personal complexity. If you are gay, you are clearly going to indulge in that booty sex thing, and, therefore, you are a sodomite, because “sodomy” is that booty thing, and if you do it, nothing else matters about you. Every other thing about you is instantly erased and, no matter your mind, wit, intelligence, talent, works, contributions, perspective, or anything else, none of that matters. You are just a sodomite.

Which is fine. I get it. You are gay. And, by the possibility of that booty thing, you are actually just a sodomite, because, well, we are defined by where we focus our sex acts. That really is what we are if we really, honestly examine who we are.

Which is why I am kind of depressed.

I am a vaginamite.

Look, I admit I love naked chicks. I do. I try to pretend I’m all intelligent and educated and stuff, but the truth is, when hot models and actresses come on TV, I’m thinking, “Man, I wish I could see her … V-part.”

I feel even more sorry for my wife. I love my wife. I do. More than anything. But, honestly, I spend a lot of time figuring out how to, well, you know… that, to her. So that's all I am. I'm not a husband, or father. Just a vaginamite.

Sodomite
Sodomite

I always thought that I was mostly about my work. My novel writing. My satire. The marketing and sales I have done to shape and grow companies I have worked for. The people I have helped. The people I have influenced, kids I raised, causes I made a difference in. But, well, I am a moron. I’m not that. Humans are not that stuff. We are who we hump or want to hump, and how we hump them.

I am a vaginamite. That’s it. Nothing more.

My wife is a cockite. Wow, how disappointing. I thought she was this amazing, loving, giving person, a great cook, kind mother, … but, by the rules of sexual reductivism, that doesn’t work. She’s just a cockite. And, frankly, now I’m insecure. Man, I hope nobody has a better, um… first part of her “...ite.”

Anyway, I’m not sure what else to say beyond this. But I just want everyone to understand how it really works. If you think you are some kind of enlightened something or other and you want to make some lame argument about "live and let live," or evolving freedoms in a modern world or some other stupid crap like that… don’t. We are nothing more than the reduced description of our preferred or possibly preferred sexual acts. The rest is just crap. So stop trying to pretend you have dignity. You don’t. You’re just a cockite, a sodomite or a vaginamite. Accept it.


My latest book:

The Galactic Mage - my new novel. If you read, and you like sci-fi and fantasy, check it out. I'm getting great reviews on Amazon, and could use your support. Thanks.
The Galactic Mage - my new novel. If you read, and you like sci-fi and fantasy, check it out. I'm getting great reviews on Amazon, and could use your support. Thanks. | Source

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    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California

      Well, good. I hope you find your way to lots of them and keep laughing. I giggled my way through tons of this silliness over the years. Don't let the odd political rant or grammar thing scare you off. Those were accidents, spasms of... whatever that is. Mostly I have committed carefully to WTF and LOL.

    • QudsiaP1 profile image

      QudsiaP1 4 years ago

      Shadesbreath; I am afraid at the rate that I am reading your hubs; I may soon be cracking my ribs from laughter. :P

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      Yes, Laneoh, you are right. But then, to use that label uniformly would suggest no one was making judgments anymore. While nice for society, and certainly for individuals, it hardly makes for good satire. :D

    • profile image

      Laneoh 5 years ago

      Okay I get it. Go for the "ite of choice".

      One comment... A guy can be a cockite too!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      Well, Troll, one sort of vegemite just likes that sandwich spread they have in Australia, the other is a criminal.

      :)

    • profile image

      simply a fellow troll 5 years ago

      Ahh hell i spelled vagina wrong i guess that will categorize me with vegetables. :)

    • profile image

      simply a fellow troll 5 years ago

      Holy crap man you opened pandora with this one, you modern day philosopher you youuuu. Veginamite here but is there as a trannamite or would they just be called cockites or sodomites. Lol just eager for a response.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      You thought all males were simply biological creatures, but I think they are simply simple. That's speaking from experience of me being one, so I have some authority on the matter. :D

      Thanks for popping by. You're the hub's first openly proclaimed write-a-mite.

    • ytsenoh profile image

      Cathy 5 years ago from Louisiana, Idaho, Kauai, Nebraska, South Dakota, Missouri

      Ah, and all this time, I thought all males were simply biological creatures that wanted to protect the longevity of their species, hence, always thinking about having some might with their vaginamite (maybe tonight) thought productivity. I think right now, I'm just a write-a-mite. Love this hub, very interesting and some thumbs up.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      Heh heh, Pam, don't feel bad, everything goes under the radar these days. HP got so populous, it's pretty much impossible to keep up with all the people I love reading. I've resigned myself to random discoveries like you just had with this one. Is what is it is. LOL.

      Adrienne, this hub is just crazysauce in the skillet of my attempt at truth. Grab some sourdough and dip in. And I'm glad you are woman. Women are awesome. Vaginamites across the planet will agree with me, and I can speak for them with absolute authority.

      Millionaire Tips, it's true we do. I've read some psychology stuff that seems to suggest we kind of have to; it's a survival thing, "Poison not Poison," "Nice animal ... mean animal" etc. Our subconscious mind filters out so much visual and auditory input just in the course of walking down the street. It's all biology to just box something up so we don't have to think about it. But, sometimes, we do it based on the wrong conclusions, or based on conclusions that don't add up in the face of new information. Etc. I know, I'm preaching to the choir here. LOL. Sorry. Thanks for reading and commenting.

    • Millionaire Tips profile image

      Shasta Matova 5 years ago from USA

      We do like to oversimplify things, don't we? Now that I am no longer the person I thought I was, I am going to have to examine some mites. Great hub. Voted up.

    • adrienne2 profile image

      Adrienne F Manson 5 years ago from Atlanta

      WTHeck is going on with this hub. Ok I admit I didnt read the whole story. And I totally didnt know what to say or make or your title. Let me just say I'm bookmarking and coming back to read the whole story from beginning to end due to the massive...."attention". By the way I AM woman!

    • Pamela N Red profile image

      Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma

      This is hilarious, how did I miss this before? It showed up in my stream/dashboard/thread or whatever we call our main page here. Great stuff. You hit it on the head, we do seem to be defined for who we do instead of who we are.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      PDX, I never complain about that sort of thing. :)

      Thesingernurse, thank you, and yes, I am willing to face the consequences of my cravings. And, yes, we shan't pin you into a corner on your preference, no one will know you are an ultimate cockite so long as you keep it silent. :D

      Hi Faceless, thanks for saying so. Very kind. And, yeah, "shallow" is a perfect word for it. And three cheers for being a cockite!

    • Faceless39 profile image

      Faceless39 5 years ago from The North Woods, USA

      Love the sarcastic wit! "Sexual reductivism" is so dumb and shallow. That said, I'm a cockite. LOL!

    • thesingernurse profile image

      thesingernurse 5 years ago from Rizal, Philippines

      Funny and witty guy... Brave enough to profess to the world that he's a vaginamite... but still can't make me admit to everyone that I am an ultimate cocktite. :D Hahahaha!

      Thank you for writing this hub. This would surely educate my vaginamite pals! :D Voted up!

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      coming back to share again...

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      Thanks, Matt. :)

    • Matt in Jax profile image

      Matt in Jax 5 years ago from Jacksonville, FL

      Great hub and pictures.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      I'm not sure what advertising you are speaking of, but whatever it refers to, I take it you are unfamiliar with bars, clubs and pick up joints. Nor, perhaps, have you heard of E-harmony or any of a hundred other hetero-centric "advertising" platforms. You also my not recognize that much of human behavior (male and female, regardless of orientation), particularly from the mid-teens through the thirties and even forties, is dedicated to attracting potential sex partners. To assert that the behavior is SIGNIFICANTLY different because the target is same sex is to ignore pretty much everything known about human pair bonding rituals.

    • profile image

      Lone Ranger 5 years ago

      Only homosexuals identify themselves with their sexual activity. People do not need to advertise being a heterosexual because it is automatically assumed that females and males are made for each other as determined by nature. On the other hand, homosexuals need to advertise themselves in order to recruit partners.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      Nope, James, you're not. Any value you bring to the lives of others, any kindness, mentoring, assistance, support, friendship, love, joy... any anything is B.S. and nobody cares. It's just your sexuality. Sorry. Accept it.

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 5 years ago from Chicago

      I am a vaginamite too! I can't help myself. But I refuse to make this character flaw my identity as a human being. No! I am more than my sexuality! Is that shocking?!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      Thanks PDX, I appreciate both.

      Hi Debby Bruck. I never thought about that cookie thing before, but you are right, they kind of do, don't they? Although, I suppose in the end, each of us will have a favorite one, won't we? lol

      VeronicaFarkas, I too am surprised it's still alive, but, if there's no rules violated (albeit on the edge perhaps), let then fun roll on... as, I see you have with "vacockites" in particular. That's tough to say, in fact, you could say it's a real mouth full. ;-D

      Phdast7, thank you. That's kind of you to say, and nice to hear.

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Great stuff. Clever, Funny,on the mark. I am impressed. :)

    • VeronicaFarkas profile image

      Veronica Roberts 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      So glad this has stayed up for as long as it has. Can't believe I missed it.

      To each their own. Sounds like quite a few people (that have commented) aren't able to identify with any of the three. I think that opens up the need for another hub following this one... there's already transvestites, maybe bisexuals could be "vacockites" or "cockinamites"?!?, virgins: "masturbites"... Man, you've got me going. This is hilarious!

    • Debby Bruck profile image

      Debby Bruck 5 years ago

      Wow! Six months worth of comments from fun loving admirers. These words do sound like breakfast cereals or some new fangled cookie. You make some very good points here. Happy New Year!

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      absolutely brilliant. Up and shared!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      We are. And someday, someone will figure out what, and then won't that be something too?

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      We certainly are something.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      Austinstar, I consider myself the purple squirrel of the universe. If the rest of you can't recognize it, clearly you are colorblind or something.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      I am only partly the wiser.

      Purple squirrel?

      Hmm!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Please insert drawing of "Purple Squirrel". Thank you.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      Nellieanna, what you have described there with "willingness and genuine interest" is what, in the sales world, is called a "qualified prospect." A lot of sales people are afraid to do that, to ask the questions of a suspect to see if they really are interested and willing or at least could be. For fear of "losing" them, they work accounts that end up nothing in the end, or, as you said, they be "better to do without otherwise." Same goes for writing, and I agree with you 100%. (And don't feel bad about the long comments. I do that in the forums all the time. Someone says something that I think warrants a genuine, thoughtful response, so I reply with one--or what serves as one in my mind anyway lol--and, well, it is what it is. (Usually unread lololol).

      And you are quite right about using that term for lots of stuff. Isn't that fun? A man sits upon the mossy bank of a lonely river, nestled amongst the mushroom caps and towering pines. He gazes into the misty clouds churning from where the waterfall thunders into the crystal pool. Staring. A woman steps from beneath the canopy at his back and watches him stare so assiduously into the fog. At last she asks, "What are you looking for?" "A purple squirrel," came his reply.

      Or something. Fun. :)

      Twilight Lawns, I expect you'll enjoy the idea, so you should.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Now I am obliged to look up "purple squirrel".

      There aren't enough hours in the day, but I might be missing out on something.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      I mightn't have investigated, thinking it was vegemite, if it hadn't been 1) written by you and 2) recommended by De Greek. hehe.

      My own philosophy about having or losing readers for one reason or another, though, is pretty much the same as it is about most things, that it's better to have willingness and genuine interest than not and better to do without otherwise. And if there are other factors influencing it - those are surely valid and not to be resisted (such as other commitments, which are definitely valid factors!)

      One of these days I ought to curtail my comments and/or use them as hubs. But they would never FIT other circumstances as well as they do when spontaneously responding to a good hub, like here and this!

      I just looked up 'purple squirrel' and think I'm in love. A marvelous appellation! Could be applied in various other situations than job applicants. How about to prospective mates or even roommates? How about to plumbers and roofers? Any human situation in which one's expectations and hopes exceed the possibilities? Oh what a good term. And it's been around for 10 or so years and I've just now found it, thanks to you! Oh yes. I'm thinking of possible opportunities to use it in real life. hehe. Great grandkids might be impressed! hehe

      Anyway, it's delightful and I thank you. And thanks for grouping me with the elegant TL! Even his illiterate slang seems rather dignified and if one imagines him verbalizing it in that melodious voice of his - wow! , - definitely so~!

      Ian - if there is an expiration date for comments it may be if the commenter has quit the Hubpages. Otherwise, I dunno.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Ha ha!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      I kno, rite?

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      i wish i cood right lik dat cos yor big wurds an de way U right dem are so cleva!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      LOL Nellieanna, a few others had the vegemite reflex when they saw the title. I suspect I may have lost more than a few prospective readers to that title for that potentiality of mundane subject ahead. Sigh. It is a problem for me, because I always title my stuff as it amuses me. I know for a fact I am the only person who laughed at my Longpork as cat food recipe hub (I forget the title LOL), but I know for totally sure nobody got that one, so, alas, I must enjoy a lot of my jokes alone. With a bottle. Curled up in a corner, weeping. LOL.

      I'm glad you came over, and I always love the care you take with your reading and comments. I totally know how pretty much impossible it is to keep up with reading the people we like on here, not if we want to write (and have to work bleh), but, as a reader, when you do stop by, your comments are always so gratifying. Cheers to you (and your squirrels. ... on a tangent, have you ever heard of a "purple squirrel?" I just learned the term. Not really related to anything, but very "up to date" in this economy, so interesting, particularly for a lover of language and meaning.)

      Twilight Lawns... Greetings! What a pleasant surprise to have two of the most delightfully literate people on HP show up, all spawned by the hub of yet another of HP's most erudite and delightful voices in De Greek.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Is there an expiration date for comments, Nellieanna?

      What about a "now I can tart my hub up and make more people read it" date?

      I have some stuff which I have written and can't understand why everybody doesn't like it as much as I do.

      As if.

      Yes, I loved this hub. It really is one of the most clever, and as you said, it moves close to naughty bits but is so well written and so wonderfully illustrated.

      Many's the time I have peeked in, snuffled around, smiled, and wandered off with a giggle.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      ps - I started reading the hilarious comments, too - but didn't get too far in the lengthy list before I realized how many more there were to read! Wanted to add mine before the expiration date for comments! But I will go back & read them all!

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      When I saw the hub title (over on Dimitris' site) my first thought was of Vegemite and I honestly - and all too causally & hastily - simply categorized the other 2 '-ties' into some kind of other foreign foods eaten by Britishers and Aussies. Thought perhaps Nutella has another synonym of which I am still unaware, such as sodomite or cockite, due to its yummy chocolaty, nutty flavor. Thought perhaps these '-ites" are just brand-names across the pond or something. At times being too analytical does spoil the fun!

      However, all that vanished quickly almost as soon as I clicked the link and arrived over here - though I admit that the illustration of you, the vaginamite, holding what looks like a taco did perpetuate my misconception briefly. It was clever of you, I must say - in case of any content police lurking around.

      From the beginning paragraph on, though, I didn't stop laughing and shaking my head affirmatively! This is the funniest, cleverest - and most accurate - hub I've read recently. I can't imagine how I missed it before. Maybe the thought of reading about strange foreign foods just didn't hit my hot button when it was first announced among the 'new hubs' of those I follow. Or maybe it was during a slump in my pursuing them. Whatever - I missed a good one.

      I have to also compliment you, not just on the quality of writing (and illustrating) but that - in spite of the subject material, it is totally non-offensive. I'm not all that sure about its being the demise of morality. Nothing in it is new or recently practiced!

      I dare anyone (alive, at least) not to have considered the premises here! The older I've gotten, the more aware and sure of the fact that people are dominantly sexual in nature. Maslow probably mentioned that somewhere in his 'hierarchy of needs' in fact!

      I notice my squirrels outside (when they're not haunting my attic) busily fulfilling their hierarchy of needs, and sex & procreation are right up there next to foraging for nuts and bugs and watching out for hungry cats when the 'season' rolls around! Nevermind that the little critters are pretty to look at. Don't see them with cameras or paintbrushes capturing the aesthetics of it all. Nosirree! They are tending to major business. I realize that humans are a few steps up the food chain and evolutionary scale, but - not all that far!! Plus, we aren't limited by 'seasons' for it.

      So thank you for making my day vibrate - with laughter, John! Great good fun! :-)

      And thank you for the lovely comment about me you made on Dimitris' hub! Hugs!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      What a splendid idea, Sunshine. I see a fortune in the elucidation of complex social stereotyping made simple for the hater on the go. A whole new industry.

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Thank you shadesbreathe for my lesson of the day, I never catergorized the three like you did but it all makes sense. Even I was able to figure out which catergory I was in! You might consider doing a "ite for Dummies" book with this vital information!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      That's why I keep writing on here. They keep letting me. I bought my own URL a long time ago expecting them to blow me out of here with that kind of censorship, but well, I guess it's probably still coming, but we'll see. I've had some stuff turned off for the dumbest, most horrendous interpretations of the rules, and other stuff that flies somehow. It is what it is.

    • profile image

      SilverGenes 5 years ago

      Brilliant! And I'm glad it's still posted, what with nipples and things being removed around here. The imite could work well with the ipad but could lead to another thing entirely then - the emite.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      I'm with you on that one feenix. Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you were suitably entertained. :)

    • feenix profile image

      feenix 5 years ago

      Hello, Shadesbreath,

      This is one of the funniest, and most entertaining and clever posts I have read on this site.

      Now, when it comes to me, I am a vaginamite who absolutely adores cockites.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      No, it's not really the demise of morality. It's me being sarcastic to make a point. So, no worries for morality. At least not yet. And, I had no idea vaginamite was in the urban dictionary. I went and looked, thinking perhaps I was on to something that was already a growing concept, but alas, on there it is a play on the exclamatory "dynamite!" So, alas, I am still alone in my use here. Which is okay. I still think my version has more rhetorical value, perhaps one day it will float to the surface and change the hard-line minds of so many. Or not. Whatever. I just speak em as I see em, you know?

      Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting, and yes, the pictures are mine as well. In the Louvre I am fairly sure I shall never be, but it's fun to round out an argument or story from time to time. :)

    • gabgirl12 profile image

      gabgirl12 5 years ago

      It's not really a demise of morality is it? Just a play on words. I wonder what might happen if you put them as your tags. If someone were to type in 'cockite', it would bring them to Hubpages. so congrats on the originality score :). Vaginamite is in the urban dictionary and sodomite is in the Bible. The pics are funny though and a nice touch. Did you draw them?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Dude, log cabins are sweet. There's some AMAZING and even palatial ones up in the high foothills, nestled around sleepy little gold rush towns that still have the same main streets and old buildings that were there in the 1850s. Frickin' SWEET way to live, gorgeous country with trees, and little streams running about noisily, harmonizing with the birds. We could sit out on your deck and enjoy the perfume of a million pine trees while I drank all your beer. :D

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 6 years ago from UK

      Right then.If there is a website for selling cheap log cabins in your area, send it to me and I shall see what my cockdite wife says about it. we may end up drinking those beers after all ;-)))

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      LOL, De Greek, leave it to you to spot the weak spot in my little argument here. However, I will point out that technically, one does not have to be cockite to be a sodomite. Strictly speaking, if, one were only to fancy , erm, playing pitcher, as it were, and having no desire to catch, also as it were, then, well, I believe I can say I've made my case.

      As for the beer and fat chewing, I'd love it. You'd be a great neighbor to have. We'd have a blast. Imagine you sitting out in my driveway with us, tipping them back under the shade of a corn tree, California redneck style. :)

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 6 years ago from UK

      I don’t know how I missed this, but I did. And now I am sorry because I have a question and I don’t know if it is too late to ask it. But I will anyway, since there is no charge:

      Is it not true that, by definition, a sodomite is also a cocktite? Surely this must be an important point that needs to be defined?

      John, you are such an intelligent and humane person that you make me wish I was living next door to you, so that we could share the occasional beer and chew the fat when we are not vaginamitating our loved ones ;-))

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Are you all guys leaving? Maybe we will go like this:

      1) girls to the right;

      2) boys to the left.

      That was the strategy to go answer nature call in the woods in the absence of facilities.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Would all Christians please follow the challenge presented by apologetics.

      Screw living in a diverse society!

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      I think those who have an address always have a circular pattern to their ways - home - work - home - work - ...

      I think we should categorize people by certain characteristics - send all mentally ill or challenged to hell as if having a mental illness is not enough of a hell.

      By the way, depression qualifies. And lose their address. Who needs them?

    • apologetics profile image

      apologetics 6 years ago

      A PRACTICAL CHALLENGE TO HOMOSEXUALS:

      I challenge the advocates of same-sex marriage and the entire sodomite community to gather themselves in a town exclusive to their perversion and see whether in 100 years they would not be in extinction?

      “Man has often lost his way, but modern man has lost his address” Gilbert K. Chesterton

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Thanks Sunny, I'm always happy to hear people laugh at this stuff. Whenever I put these things up, there's always that moment right after publication where it's like, "What if I'm the only one laughing?" There's a fine line between funny and unravelled.

    • Sunny Robinson profile image

      Sunny Robinson 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Holy crap. The rest of the comments made my brain hurt, but I still laughed. Shady, Shade. You're awesome.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      KateWest, me too. You peel off the label, you can actually see what's inside. Doesn't mean you will always like what you see, but at least you can look and decide for yourself. :)

      Kallini, I agree for the most part with you. If you have to tell people when to laugh, it's not funny. Unless, of course that's the joke, sort of meta-writing or meta-comedy (like the spacecraft thing). But, for chat, I think the habit evolved for a reasonably legitimate reason, in the absence of body language, facial expression and sound. Emoticons an "lol" etc. serve a communicative purpose, not because people are too dim to get jokes, but because the chat function of the Internet includes a lot of writers (and readers) who aren't as facile with language, and, in addition, encourages speed of writing that is not conducive to the care and revision required for the type of concise prose for which no external levers (like "lol") are needed for added clarity. Or something.

      Thanks cooldad, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for commenting too.

      Autstinstar, I would say the cave and the stalagmite are more representative of the pair you suggest, with stalactites suggesting the culmination of the experience.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      spacecraft (laughter follows)

      (love those parenthesis)

      But we digress.

      In the caving world, are stalagmites and stalactites equivalent to cockites and vaginamites (respectively)?

    • cooldad profile image

      cooldad 6 years ago from Florida

      Very creative and funny, I enjoyed that. Great hub.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Ladies & Gentlemen:

      I have to apologize for being PITA (pain in the ass)

      but that is how the whole thing began. I was waiting for my son to outgrow his fascination with pooh-pooh subjects, but then I realized it will never stop.

      We never get tired of pooh-pooh vocabulary. I am not going to elaborate, you all know that certain words... just there to stay to express the height and depth and voltage of our emotions, something like: "Shit!"

      But my lovely comment is not on that, being a writer (self-appointed), I read a book on "How to write" and the author suggested to refrain from LOLs and such. Not only that, but from indicating where the reader has to laugh. It is respect for the reader's intelligence, who should be clever enough to figure out when and how ...

      I am not saying that you all have to stop using whatever you are using.

      I am just sharing. I made it a rule for myself. No abbreviations.

      I remember a very old joke about the sense of humour, when the listener is instructed beforehand:

      "Laugh after the word "spacecraft".

    • KateWest profile image

      KateWest 6 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      I'm all about peeling labels.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Hah, Sterling Sage, I love Demetri Martin. And of course I would not want you to cause the cockite of your admiration to be reluctant to indulge her urges due to your boisterousness. :D Glad you lqtm though. :)

    • Sterling Sage profile image

      Sterling Sage 6 years ago from California

      lol--or, to quote Demetri Martin, LQTM (laughing quietly to myself)! I might have actually LOL'ed, but I have my favorite cockite sleeping next to me, and my vaginamite nature fixes my possible future sexual activity with her as my very, very tippy-top priority. I wouldn't want to wake her with my LOL--or, God forbid, my ROFLMFAO--for fear of discouraging said activity later on.

      Always amusing to read your hubs.

      SS

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Yeah, no worries. That's why I didn't link it. I'm the same way. I know writers read (at least the good ones), but they aren't "readers" in the way critics are. I think that's why the symbiosis works between the two literary varieties, despite what seems like little more than potential for enmity.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      I will try to find enough time to check it out - you know writers - selfish bunch - I need time to write and as I was saying to everyone with nauseating frequency - I need to do house-cleaning.

      How exciting!

      Good luck with the book,

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Nah, I'm pretty hard to offend, plus... I get jokes. And the ones I don't, well, if I find myself blinking into something I missed, I usually assume I have just missed it ... again. LOL. I do that enough to have confidence in my ability to miss stuff being the cause of my dismay rather than assuming hostility on the part of others. :)

      And the book is a fantasy/sci fi story tracking two main characters on parallel destinies. A sorcerer on one planet is trying to discover the spells that will faciliate space travel, and a woman from Earth is on a spaceship trying to find some evil space critters. The story follows them both. If you're curious there's a link on my profile to my blog, the most recent has some of the cover art from the Spanish artist on it.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      OK, then, I was worried, you might be offended that I called you "el mentiroso".

      I got used to that word that it seems normal. Everything is normal in Toronto.

      I only meant you are NOT rolling on the floor laughing. Yes, I know what hyperbole is.

      Yes, I was playing with the words, that is all.

      Again, you know it is normal for those who write:

      Modernism - avant-gardism

      Postmodernism - avant-gardism

      Postism - making posts - arrière-gardism.

      What the book is about, if I may ask?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Well, that was a little linguistic trip across continents. It's funny that you wrote that like that. I woke up and got a new draft back from the artist doing my book cover who is in Spain, and then I get all this spanish in a hub comment. lol

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Then you are a mentiroso (maybe mentirosito) and that is not a lie.

      About lying - it is a good mental exercise to lie on a floor at least once a day and meditate.

      Don't laugh.

      Don't roll.

      OK, I must start doing it myself. MMM, maybe after tango exercise. Is there any other dance when partners lean on each other? Chest to chest?

      Wait, there is a word - tanguera, tanguero.

      Insane writers on HubPages:

      writera, writero;

      HubPagerosita, HubPagerosito.

      Adios,

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      "rofl" if you really don't know, is just the slightly tuned up version of LOL. Rofl = rolling on floor laughing, which is hyperbole, of course, because I wasn't literally doing that, but, well, in chat, no one can hear you lol.

      And yes, I'm sure it is you. :P

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      To show my complete ignorance - what is ROFL BTW?

      Yes, I thought - masturbite or onanite - but it sounds so disgusting.

      However, in the dictionary I came across (by chance, mind you)

      there is such thing as zoolite. Yes, it does exist. No, it does not EXIST. Because a zoolite is a fossil animal.

      And, naturally, my imagination went into the sexual perversions - however, I am not going to dwell on them any further than "perversite" - ...

      I think you started with those things - things that are considered abnormal.

      Abnormalite?

      Wait, I think it is me.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      What, like... masturbite? ROFL

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      I think another term is in order:

      A prudite - a prude - the one who has sex but denies it or does not have sex, but wants to have it.

      And how about having sex with yourself - Selfite? (the other two words that come to mind just make the "-ite" combinations slightly obscene even for my taste).

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Yes, I think abstintite is probably just the right term. Although, I might still toss the abstinites into the virgin category mentioned above, virgins being "imites" and given that abstinance is what it often works out to be. :D

    • Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

      Jo_Goldsmith11 6 years ago

      really interesting hub. I voted up because it was great thought provoking research! I have a question for you. What is a person considered who doesn't have sex? A "absentite"?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Randslam, on the point of what one does with a cockaminimus-sodomaximus-medivaginamitasite, I can only surmise that filming is the best course of action, for that is a most curious arrangement of proclivities and therefore a documentary could be made regarding the activities of such an individual from which one's scientific/anthropological/sociological credentials could be established and perhaps even the creation of a new sub-category of gender studies. They could even name it after you, Randslaminology. :)

      Kallini, how about "leather" or "lizard" ?

      Austinstar, put some ice on it. lol

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      randy - no, you are clear as a glass. My brain hurts though ;-)

    • randslam profile image

      Rand Zacharias 6 years ago from Kelowna, British Columbia

      Oh, "L"

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Randslam, better make it

      "the lowest sexual denominator (LSD).

      "the l sex drive" (LSD).

      For the l - pick one

      lateral

      literal

      liberal

      love

      lawful

      Oh, well..

    • randslam profile image

      Rand Zacharias 6 years ago from Kelowna, British Columbia

      Austinstar, you of all people, ask, "huh?" Was I unclear?

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      huh?

    • randslam profile image

      Rand Zacharias 6 years ago from Kelowna, British Columbia

      Primitive man rises from ooze to ite?

      Great satire on the lowest common denominator(LCD)--the sex drive--another LCD (Likeliest common drive).

      Quite an admission of the real mind set of every individual on the planet...of course, what does one do with a cockaminimus-sodomaximus-medivaginamitasite?

      Sorry, the dialogue was begging the question of the polyamourous sexite? Was it wrong to go there?

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 6 years ago from North America

      That's right.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Breathy Shady story coming up! Do it...

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      It's like I licked the topic or something, so now it's mine?

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 6 years ago from North America

      Yes, yes, the 1980s one. Now you have claimed it and must do!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Oh, oh, can it be as cheesey as the Flash Gordon they did back in the 80's? I would love to be responsible for something that campy.

    • Joshing profile image

      Joshing 6 years ago from You, I Am

      Oh, you mean like "Flesh Gordon?"

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 6 years ago from North America

      The last three comments indicate that you three should collaborate on a mockumentary sci-fi novel, film, and TV series! Much funnier than summer reruns...

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Johsing, "Elimite," sounds like something an aussie cockite would say approaching closing time in response to advances from a drink-buying vaginamite.

      Twilight Lawns, while I confess to laughing at that, for the purpose of maintaining some facade of propriety, I must frown and say something like, "Yes, that's amusing, but tragic that such backwards thinking still exists in our world..." or some such.

      I wonder if I would watch that event. Would I have some grisly fascination and tune it, or would I be revolted and not?

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Read Leviticus. That's always good fun when dealing with anything that ends in "ites".

      Stoning to Death has just been added as one of the more neglected sports at next year's Olympic games.

      Iran are sending a few of their best.

    • Joshing profile image

      Joshing 6 years ago from You, I Am

      I put vaginamites on my sandwiches. Actually, they put themselves there. Where I come from vagina-mites are treatable with Permethrin 5 percent which is also known as Elimite :) I think vaginamites are also breifly mentioned in the Yeast farms of Asimovs universe. If not, they should have been. Im glad That Vaginamites are curable but Im equally glad that cockites are still incapable of any help - well except for the obvious treatment that is...

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      LOL yep, it did come down to the boners, didn't it? lol. And I'm with you, the "imites" is pretty amusing. Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you found the fun in it. One never knows how this sort of thing is going to go.

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 6 years ago

      Shades,,you've managed to break it down to the bare boners, uh, I mean, bones. :)

      I have to say that this is one line of thinking that has never crossed my mind, in terms of categorizing people. I am almost ashamed to say I found it humorous. It was, for me, for lack of a better term, a refreshing way to consider things. I would even go so far as to say that this is not mainstream,,which makes it even more enlightening.

      Great job,,,loved the 'imites' LOL

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Oh, the "fame" of a 100 hubber score is always fleeting for me. It flickers up there for a few hours sometimes, but never lingers long. I've actually noticed it seems to stay there longer if I don't open my hubs and edit or reply to comments. I think they punish that sort of thing for some reason. And don't feel bad about being here to write not read. I feel bad about that too, like I feel like a taker sometimes. But I do read, just not as often as I feel like I should to show support for people that are kind enough to read this silly crap I put up. But, well, it is what it is, and we are who we are. So, meh. Glad you find my article too.

      Patty: Thanks twice. :)

      Simone: Seriously... I'm glad.