Sodomites, Vaginamites and Cockites: Welcome to the Demise of Morality

Well, it turns out I’m a vaginamite. I had no idea. I’m not even that happy about it despite my general obsession with, well, vagina.

Okay, I am thinking that some of you are probably thinking, “WTF is a vaginamite?” and, honestly, that’s a fair question. It’s actually very similar to the question I asked when I found out that a gay friend of mine is a “sodomite.”

Apparently, if you are a gay male in America, there are many people who consider you to be a “sodomite.” Being an ignorant of such things, I had to ask what that meant. So, thankfully, I was told how it works.

You see, people who are gay, are, well, gay. That means they like people of the same sex as themselves. If you happen to be male and feel this way, then apparently the only thing that matters in our society is that, if you find someone with whom you share enough things in common (like literature, dog loving, exercise habits, work ethic, religion, political views, artistic sensibility, music… etc.), we, as a culture, reduce you to the sexual activities that might occur once you find someone with whom you share all those things in common. So, since some sexual contact of some particular type might take place we, therefore, assign you a label by which we can then decide how to treat you.

If it’s a man-on-man thing, you will, by iron decree, be indulging in sex of the posterior region making you a sodomite. If you are a male who likes chicks, you are, clearly a vaginamite (like me), and if you are a chick who likes dudes, you are a cockite. It's so simple.

Sodomites are the main focus though. But that's cool. The beauty and simplicity of this identification system, “sodomidenity,” is that it removes any need for thinking or expectation of personal complexity. If you are gay, you are clearly going to indulge in that booty sex thing, and, therefore, you are a sodomite, because “sodomy” is that booty thing, and if you do it, nothing else matters about you. Every other thing about you is instantly erased and, no matter your mind, wit, intelligence, talent, works, contributions, perspective, or anything else, none of that matters. You are just a sodomite.

Which is fine. I get it. You are gay. And, by the possibility of that booty thing, you are actually just a sodomite, because, well, we are defined by where we focus our sex acts. That really is what we are if we really, honestly examine who we are.

Which is why I am kind of depressed.

I am a vaginamite.

Look, I admit I love naked chicks. I do. I try to pretend I’m all intelligent and educated and stuff, but the truth is, when hot models and actresses come on TV, I’m thinking, “Man, I wish I could see her … V-part.”

I feel even more sorry for my wife. I love my wife. I do. More than anything. But, honestly, I spend a lot of time figuring out how to, well, you know… that, to her. So that's all I am. I'm not a husband, or father. Just a vaginamite.

I always thought that I was mostly about my work. My novel writing. My satire. The marketing and sales I have done to shape and grow companies I have worked for. The people I have helped. The people I have influenced, kids I raised, causes I made a difference in. But, well, I am a moron. I’m not that. Humans are not that stuff. We are who we hump or want to hump, and how we hump them.

I am a vaginamite. That’s it. Nothing more.

My wife is a cockite. Wow, how disappointing. I thought she was this amazing, loving, giving person, a great cook, kind mother, … but, by the rules of sexual reductivism, that doesn’t work. She’s just a cockite. And, frankly, now I’m insecure. Man, I hope nobody has a better, um… first part of her “...ite.”

Anyway, I’m not sure what else to say beyond this. But I just want everyone to understand how it really works. If you think you are some kind of enlightened something or other and you want to make some lame argument about "live and let live," or evolving freedoms in a modern world or some other stupid crap like that… don’t. We are nothing more than the reduced description of our preferred or possibly preferred sexual acts. The rest is just crap. So stop trying to pretend you have dignity. You don’t. You’re just a cockite, a sodomite or a vaginamite. Accept it.