Some Helpful Tips for Fighting

There’s a movie called Fight Club, released in 1999. It’s a beautiful story of two different individuals that grew up together on a farm. One day, they become separated and embark on separate journeys to find each other. It’s the greatest story of friendship ever told. One is a cat and the other is a dog. That movie’s actually called Milo and Otis, not Fight Club. Sorry. Fight Club is completely different. It’s about a guy and another guy who’s actually the other guy and they go around creating havoc, and getting into mischief, and making soap out of people. Oh, and they get into fights. It’s brilliant, and if you’ve never gotten into a fight before, then you should watch the movie and find out what you’re missing. I guarantee by the time you’re done watching Fight Club, you’re going to want to run out of your house and pick a fight with the first person you see. Maybe it’s a priest. Maybe it’s a guy in a wheelchair. Maybe it’s just a cat. But maybe it’s a priest in a wheelchair with a cat in his lap. You’ll want to fight them all. No, really, the movie’s that motivational.

So I’m going to give you some tips on how to start a fight, but first I’m going to point a couple things out. These are two rules we all must live by.

• If you’re a man, then never hit a woman. Getting in a fight with your girlfriend shouldn’t actually be a fight. It should be an argument. No violence should be involved. If a woman hits you, take it like a man. Don’t be a jerk and hit her back. Men fight men and women fight women. It's as simple as that. But hermaphrodites can fight pretty much anyone.
• If you’re a human, then never hit an animal. Not unless the animal is trying to kill you. You can usually tell when an animal is trying to kill you. They will be biting a part of your body. If the animal’s teeth are securely fastened in your throat, then by all means, hit the thing.

Now that you know who and what not to hit, let’s talk about how to avoid getting in a fight.

• If someone hits you, act like it felt good. Make a pleased sound and tell them how good it felt. Beg them for more. This will confuse them, because they were hitting you to make you feel pain and not for your own twisted pleasure. They’ll call you a freak and run away.
• Cover yourself in manure. No one wants to punch somebody that’s covered in manure.
• If someone hits you, laugh at their effort. Tell them it was horrible. That their fighting skills are lame. Follow that up by punching yourself in the face, and saying, “See? That’s how you punch someone.” This will confuse them and they’ll walk away. No one wants to hit someone who’s hitting themselves, already. That’s just dumb.
• If someone’s hitting you, pee your pants. They’ll immediately stop. Shouting rape also works.
• Tell the person that you know martial arts. They might ask for proof, so slam your head into a brick wall. If you actually know martial arts, then the wall will explode and your head will be just fine, but if you’re bluffing, then you’re going to knock yourself out, which is just as good, because nobody wants to beat up someone who’s already unconscious. That’s just pointless. And might also lead to rape. So try that at your own risk.

Have you ever gone to a club and everyone was kung-fu fighting, and you felt left out? Do you watch action movies and wish you had a little more action in your life? Was that movie Gangs of New York? Do you play a lot of Street Fighter, just to prepare yourself if you ever get the chance to battle in the streets? Do you practice shooting fireballs from your hands? Are you still reading this? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then here comes some advice on who to fight.

Do you have someone already in mind that you want to fight? Maybe it’s your boss. Maybe it’s your best friend. Maybe it's the guy who always steals your parking space. You should never get in a fight with someone you know. Never make a fight personal. A fight should just be about hitting people. It has to be someone you’ve never met. Here’s some suggestions of who you should fight.

• Someone who’s wearing the same outfit as you
• Someone who’s taking a smoke break
• Someone who’s crossing the street
• Someone who’s eating a banana
• In other words, someone completely random

• The best way to start a fight is to just throw a punch. Don’t say hello, just take a swing. Most people won’t hit back at first, they’ll just look at you like you’re crazy. They need encouragement. The best encouragement you can give them is to just keep swinging.
• Throwing insults is a good way to get someone to start throwing punches. Make sure it’s an off-the-wall insult, one they won’t see coming. And blow it out of proportion. Insult their shoes and laugh at their choice of shoes. People take shoes very personal. This person may not care about you insulting their shoes, but since you keep going on and on with the insult, they’ll eventually just give you a little shove. You shove back and then the fight begins. They might think they’re defending the honor of their shoes, but you know the fight’s actually about nothing, and that’s all that matters.
• Make fun of their nationality. As they begin to defend their heritage, immediately change the subject and ask them out on a date. They’ll say no, at which point you will try to make out with them. They’ll push you away, you’ll try to kiss them again, and then they’ll punch you. Now the fight has begun.
• If they’re eating something, run up to them and knock their food all over their clothes. If they’re drinking hot coffee, do the same. This works best if they’re eating an ice cream cone. Smash it into their face.
• No one likes paparazzi. Go up to someone and take their picture. Don’t stop at one, but take one every couple of seconds. Go in for some close ups and get right in their face. They’ll ask you to stop at first, but after you persist with your random photography, they’ll knock the camera out of your hand. Act shocked, and then give them a shove. They’ll shove you and then you’ll shove them again, and then you can start fighting.

There’s many ways to start a fight, and that’s just a few of them. Just remember why you started these fights. You wanted to be in a fight, no other reason. You don’t have anything against the other person, so after the fight, you need to make up in some way. Who knows, you just might be friends after this experience. Here’s a few suggestions for how to make up.

• If you won the fight, then start another fight and let them win this time.
• Buy them an ice cream cone
• Give them a hug
• Send them flowers the next day
• Take them to the zoo
• Tell them they have beautiful eyes

But what do you tell someone that has two black eyes? Nothing. They've already been told twice. Buy them a steak to wear on their face. It'll help the swelling go down.

Here’s a list of things that could come in handy if you’re ever in a fight, so make sure you carry them all in a backpack and keep the backpack with you at all times, because you never know when a fight is going to present itself.

Replenishment/Healing items

• A box of Band-Aids
• One water bottle with water in it
• One energy bar
• Breath mints
• Bandages and cotton balls
• One eye patch
• Snack Pack pudding
• One raw steak

Weapons

• A flashlight to shine in the person’s eyes
• The Rainmaker, by John Grisham, hardcover edition
• A bottle of dish detergent, preferably lemon scented
• A can of Coca-Cola that has been shaken
• Silly String
• One very upset stray cat
• One banana
• Your intelligence

Always carry a list of contacts with you, in case you get hospitalized. Fighting can be fun, but sometimes it gets out of hand, so always know when to stop the fight. If the person you are fighting asks you to stop, immediately do so, because it's very important that both of your hearts be in the fight, so make sure you make them want to fight just as much as you do. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and pick a fight. Saturday night's alright for fighting, but so is every night of the week.