Someone Always Has to be First - Some Perplexing Questions
Sometimes the insomniatic mind can come up with some disturbing ideas, thoughts, and questions. I know all too well because I often lie in bed, staring at my ceiling, trying not to allow my mind to waft off into oblivion. It never works. Not only does it wander away, it routinely comes back with some haunting realizations I just would not have thought of otherwise. Below are some of the questions my tired and weary brain have come up with regarding mankind's firsts.
- Who was the first person to invent cooking? What were they thinking? "Gee, lets throw this food in the flames and see if it tastes better!"
- Who was the first person to eat a lobster? Did their inner thoughts go something like this: "Oh boy! A giant sea spider just washed ashore! I bet you it'd taste wonderful if boiled alive and served with butter!"
- Who was the first person to come up with electric biology experiments? "Dude! You poke the dead frog with an electrode and it'll move! Watch!" - "Nooo way, if that's what electrocuting a dead frog will do we have to try it on a human cadaver!" - "Yeah! Then all we'll have to do is make our horsing around look scientific. What are we learning from this?" - "That with enough electricity we can create a monster?" - "That's good enough for me."
- Who was the first person to conceive the idea of a calculator? "You know what I need? A machine that will do all my math... yes, that'd be sweet."
- Who was the first person in our modern age to blame God for all their misdeeds instead of the devil? "God made me do it! I swear!" Personally I think the devil may be a bit jealous about his credit being taken away.
- Who was the first person to find a mutated puppy or kitten, with a practically concave face, and think, "Gee this is adorable, we should breed more of these!" Of course I'm referring to the faces of pugs, persians, etc who all look like they had the misfortune of smacking into a brick wall at 60 miles an hour.
- Who was the first person to invent the wheel and was he or she worshipped as a God?
- Who was the first person to see a naked cat or dog and what was their first thoughts on it? "Ah! What the hell was that?!"
- Who invented the word lisp and was he just cruel or did he suffer from the speech impediment himself?
- Who decided it'd be funny to call "fear of long words" Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia??
- Who was the genius who knew that he could get away with marketing bottled tapwater to suckers for 3 bucks a pop?
- Who decided that "There's something in the water" was a good logo for flavored bottled water? And who was dumb enough to agree??
- Who was the first person to decide the best place to post missing children's photos was on the back of a milk carton? It's a sweet gesture but how many people realize their milk is staring at them, and not only that but it looks oddly familiar?
- Who decided that it's less offensive to hear a strange mechanical beep then a swear word? And why a beep?
- Who decided which animals should be eaten and which should be worshipped?
- Who was the lazy or darkly humored scribe who stopped writing Beowulf in mid-sentence? "And that's when it happened..." What?? What happened?? We shall never know. Perhaps nothing happened. Perhaps that line was tacked on the end just to torment readers.
- Who was the genius who thought it'd be a good idea to douse blimps with kerosene as a water repellant?? I mean come on, I know the whole explosive blimp thing happened a number of decades ago but you can't tell me people didn't know what kerosene always does when introduced to sparks...
- Who was the salesman who thought repeating, "She's unsinkable!" about the Titanic would make it true?
- What misinformed individual named hot dogs and hamburgers after meat neither contained?
- Who came up with the idea of the tooth fairy? What is less disturbing then a tiny winged human stalking your bed at night waiting to collect your teeth? Yeeeah, that'll make the children sleep well.
If this article made you laugh try reading some other articles by Theophanes: