ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Someone Always Has to be First - Some Perplexing Questions

Updated on July 20, 2017
Theophanes profile image

Theophanes is a New-England-based blogger, traveler, writer, photographer, sculptor, and lover of cats.

Shall I sleep or eat this bird? *Yawn*
Shall I sleep or eat this bird? *Yawn*

Sometimes the insomniatic mind can come up with some disturbing ideas, thoughts, and questions. I know all too well because I often lie in bed, staring at my ceiling, trying not to allow my mind to waft off into oblivion. It never works. Not only does it wander away, it routinely comes back with some haunting realizations I just would not have thought of otherwise. Below are some of the questions my tired and weary brain have come up with regarding mankind's firsts.

  • Who was the first person to invent cooking? What were they thinking? "Gee, lets throw this food in the flames and see if it tastes better!"
  • Who was the first person to eat a lobster? Did their inner thoughts go something like this: "Oh boy! A giant sea spider just washed ashore! I bet you it'd taste wonderful if boiled alive and served with butter!"
  • Who was the first person to come up with electric biology experiments? "Dude! You poke the dead frog with an electrode and it'll move! Watch!" - "Nooo way, if that's what electrocuting a dead frog will do we have to try it on a human cadaver!" - "Yeah! Then all we'll have to do is make our horsing around look scientific. What are we learning from this?" - "That with enough electricity we can create a monster?" - "That's good enough for me."
  • Who was the first person to conceive the idea of a calculator? "You know what I need? A machine that will do all my math... yes, that'd be sweet."
  • Who was the first person in our modern age to blame God for all their misdeeds instead of the devil? "God made me do it! I swear!" Personally I think the devil may be a bit jealous about his credit being taken away.
  • Who was the first person to find a mutated puppy or kitten, with a practically concave face, and think, "Gee this is adorable, we should breed more of these!" Of course I'm referring to the faces of pugs, persians, etc who all look like they had the misfortune of smacking into a brick wall at 60 miles an hour.
  • Who was the first person to invent the wheel and was he or she worshipped as a God?
  • Who was the first person to see a naked cat or dog and what was their first thoughts on it? "Ah! What the hell was that?!"
  • Who invented the word lisp and was he just cruel or did he suffer from the speech impediment himself?
  • Who decided it'd be funny to call "fear of long words" Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia??
  • Who was the genius who knew that he could get away with marketing bottled tapwater to suckers for 3 bucks a pop?
  • Who decided that "There's something in the water" was a good logo for flavored bottled water? And who was dumb enough to agree??
  • Who was the first person to decide the best place to post missing children's photos was on the back of a milk carton? It's a sweet gesture but how many people realize their milk is staring at them, and not only that but it looks oddly familiar?
  • Who decided that it's less offensive to hear a strange mechanical beep then a swear word? And why a beep?
  • Who decided which animals should be eaten and which should be worshipped?
  • Who was the lazy or darkly humored scribe who stopped writing Beowulf in mid-sentence? "And that's when it happened..." What?? What happened?? We shall never know. Perhaps nothing happened. Perhaps that line was tacked on the end just to torment readers.
  • Who was the genius who thought it'd be a good idea to douse blimps with kerosene as a water repellant?? I mean come on, I know the whole explosive blimp thing happened a number of decades ago but you can't tell me people didn't know what kerosene always does when introduced to sparks...
  • Who was the salesman who thought repeating, "She's unsinkable!" about the Titanic would make it true?
  • What misinformed individual named hot dogs and hamburgers after meat neither contained?
  • Who came up with the idea of the tooth fairy? What is less disturbing then a tiny winged human stalking your bed at night waiting to collect your teeth? Yeeeah, that'll make the children sleep well.

This comic is one of the many distubing images that I come up with when I've stayed up waaaay too many hours... Please forgive my inability to draw.
This comic is one of the many distubing images that I come up with when I've stayed up waaaay too many hours... Please forgive my inability to draw.

More from this Author:


Catching Marbles - A New England based travel blog

Tales from the Birdello - For all homesteading and farming matters

Deranged Thoughts from a Cluttered Mind - For funny personal anecdotes


Through the Looking Glass Farm

Typhani Brooks - Artist




This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)