Something That Annoys Me About Vampire Art and Movies

Admittedly, we're talking about fictional beings here, but the trope of a vampire that's several hundred if not thousands of years old carrying some thin, willowy woman to his lair is tired and, frankly, if the vampire was real, most likely wrong.

Though fatphobes try to deny it, historically speaking, fat was where it was at back in the day. There's a reason that even to this day a woman with big hips is said to have "birthing hips." Despite the fact that medical science has proven that the outward appearance of a woman's hips does not mean she'll have an easier time giving birth.

Think of fertility statues that depict naked women. Large, sagging breasts, a pot belly, large hips, a big butt, fat rolls abound on such images. Even statues of Aphrodite show her with rolls of flab. We all know Rubens paintings are the reason we have the term "Rubenesque" to describe fat women like myself.

Now, when you think of that, why would a vampire, who, as a mortal, grew up with these beauty ideals, go for the skinny chick?

It can't be because she's easier to carry. After all, vampires are supposed to be supernaturally strong. If they are so strong they can flip heavy duty cars, there's no reason they can't easily carry a woman who weighs over 200 pounds one handed, let alone the traditional bridal style.

It can't be because the blood "tastes better." If anything, just like steak tastes better if it's marbled with fat, then the blood of someone who is larger would most likely be tastier and possibly be more filling.

The only explanation is trying to appeal to modern beauty standards. Which, in my humble opinion, is just plain old cowardly.

For one thing, one could easily use this as a chance to show how stupid, and sometimes destructive, society forcing one type of beauty on people is. Having a vampire who's still stuck on what was considered high beauty in their mortal years is perfect symbolism. Be it a vampire who wonders why women no longer pluck their eyebrows and the hair on their head to make it look like their forehead is larger, a vampire who still pads his calves, or one who thinks more painful and cruel "beauty" standards should still be practiced.

For authors, especially those who write horror movies, you also have a good chance for a bait-and-switch with your characters. They all think, because of their own shallowness, that the vampire is going after the gal who could model for Victoria's Secret, but in reality he's been making the fat, middle age woman they've all been ignoring his new bride. No one realizes this until she's got her fangs in their neck.

For artists, you're missing out on the opportunity to draw so many amazing pictures. It's the 21st century, you don't even have to stick to the traditional buff male vampire carrying willowy human female bridal style. You could have a tiny, dainty, feminine female vampire carrying her large, buff girlfriend bridal style. You could have a broadly built male vampire carrying a his boyfriend over one shoulder and his girlfriend over the other. There's so many new ways to breath life into an old trope.

To many this might seem a minor, petty annoyance since vampires don't exist, but it's still one all the same. Some vampires are simply going to be the type who don't want none if you ain't got buns, hun.