Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015) Review

JJ Abrams decides to get Lawrence Kasdan to rewrite a New Hope then he adds his own Mary Sue self-insert characters and his BS mystery box nonsense into the script. Nonsense McGuffin that bad guy Ugly fake emo based with weak chin wants for no clear reason. Basically, in short, this film completely retreads and copies the first Star Wars film almost shot for shot but with nonsense and unlikable characters spread within.

They misuse Max Von Sydow and all the other older actors who they treat as silly old people who have all devolved as characters since we last saw them saving the galaxy. Harrison Ford is an unlikable curmudgeon who forgot how to act convincingly much like his previous failure in Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull.

We will meet Rey Finn and Poe our new main cast and poor excuses for Luke Han and Leia, during the course of this movie, who were likable protagonists that we identified with not the new boring millennial cast members, who are not charismatic heroic or likable in any way. Finn is a storm-trooper who gets sad because he must shoot people, he's dull and one dimensional. Then he frees Poe who is currently held prisoner by Garth Vader who we met on not Tatooine and not Ben Kenobi who gives not Han Solo a MacGuffin. Finn seems like he would be the character and seems to be not Luke Skywalker who like Luke is kind of childish but doesn't seem to be much of a dreamer, unlike Luke.

Then we meet Mary Sue, I mean Rey Sue or whatever her last name is. She is an orphan with a stupid stick who is a terrible Luke Skywalker wannabe. Luke is likable because he doesn't start out as a Jedi master, at our first meeting of Luke he's kind of whiny cocky and rebellious and wants to go to the academy to be with his friends who have all left. He gets taken out by Tusken Raiders or Sand People and must be saved by Ben Kenobi and trained. Rey is not trained and learns nothing is just a "badass" from the get-go and knows how to use Jedi mind tricks and wield a lightsaber flawlessly and doesn't have to train with a remote drone to sense the force. Rey also can't emote I can't tell what her emotion is she always looks dazed and confused.

We start the film on not Tatooine not Darth Vader is telling Max Von Sydow to give him the macguffin or he'll be real mad and throw a temper tantrum like the ugly baby he is. Max tells Paul Blarth Mall Vader to shut up and go away, and tell Poe or not Han Solo to hide the macguffin and he tells not r2d2 to go hide the macguffin. Then Emo not Darth Vader kills Max and tells his stormtrooper buddies to kill everyone, instead of interrogating anyone because he's dumb and has no notion how to be a competent leader.

But then against all luck they manage to capture Poe because one of the stormtrooper didn't start shooting people at random, not because he thought they should interrogate them first but because he didn't know being a stormtrooper meant you had to follow orders. Said stormtrooper we find out to be named Finn and is a storm-trooper who gets sad because he was told to shoot people, he first comes across as dull and one dimensional. Then he frees Poe who is currently held prisoner by Garth Vader who we met on not Tatooine and not Ben Kenobi who gives not Han Solo a MacGuffin.

Rey and Finn meet up, Finn says he with the resistance which should be called the republic since they were the victors of the last galactic war. Anyway, storm-troopers find them and they steal the millennium falcon and can fly it with ease thanks to Rey. Then our new discount Luke Leia and Han (or at least two of them) meet up with an elderly Han Solo who also seems fake. He has had no growth since we met him in the bar scene in A New Hope and is now again a loveless loser who again owes money to the space mafia. The Scottish Mafia and then they all get attacked by an alien squid monster.

They use plot armor to escape the Scottish mob and the tentacle monster. Han Solo tells them the force is real, not unlike Obi-Wan Kenobi in New Hope which unnecessary in this film because we all know this already and don't need dumb exposition. Snoke the new emperor tells Garth Vader to find Luke Skywalker and blow up some planets.

They land on a jungle planet and meet up again with not Han Solo who meets faux Old Han Solo. They meet old Leia who has one line then she's forgotten about by the film. And Luke never gets to say hello to his old friends before they die which is a travesty. There's a new Death Star but now it can destroy more planets another dumb repeated plot element because Jar Jar Abrams has no imagination or creativity.

Then Han Rey and Finn must meet up with an orange butt hole eyed alien who gives them another f***ing mystery box MacGuffin. A blue lightsaber that was owned by Anakin Skywalker and gives Rey nightmares. Then they go to the bad guy base which is a Hoth like planet which is also a new Death Star. Anyway, Not Darth Vader or Garth Vader meets his daddy who tells him to stop being an emo crybaby. After getting his feelings hurt Garth Vader kills his papa because he's an a**hole and kills the shadow of a beloved character. Finn grabs a lightsaber and we think he's going to be the underdog hero of the film but gets beaten up by Barth Bader. Rey uses her new force powers she didn't learn and fights not Darth Vader and beats him up because he's a dumb baby.

Then the base blows up and they find the map to Luke Skywalker. For some reason Leia is the one who goes meets Luke even though she has no connection whatsoever to him unlike Han Solo who they unceremoniously killed off to appease a mean old grandpa who hate the role that made him famous like a dumb spoiled brat. Why doesn't Leia his sister and only family go to visit him, or even his old droids C3PO or R2-D2 instead of some random character who he's never met before. The End. Enjoy more terrible Star Wars Disney movies, dummies.