Star Wars Shocking Sex Scandals, Previously Unknown
(In honor of the passing of the great Carrie Fisher who has rejoined the great rebel alliance in a galaxy far, far away near eternity.)
In a startling new revelation the world is beginning to understand how Star Wars had the biggest secret service prostitution scandal in the history of the movies. It was so scandalous that it was going to change the rating of Star Wars from PG to triple X rated, which was fine by Lucas, because he always thought what America really needed was a good sci-fi flick with steamy bedroom scenes.
The movie at first targeted adults, not kids or even teen agers. Then something happened that unintentionally changed the history of the movies. Had the change not happened today Star Wars would have been a footnote in history. What was that fateful change? Lucas showed the unedited movie to his mother. When Lucas's puritanical mother saw the steamy sex scenes she grabbed her chest and fainted. Lucas was so horrified that in the last minute he cut the sex scenes. It became so bland that no adult wanted to watch the movie because there was only one woman in the entire movie, Princess Leia, and Harrison Ford didn't try to have hot sex with her as it was reasonably expected. But then the movie became a smash hit with kiddies who hated sex scenes, romances, chick flicks, movies with a point, movies with a moral story, movies glorifying honesty and generally anything intelligent. That became the moment in time that the movie industry learned that all kids wanted to watch was 2 hours of good, mind numbing, and tedious sword fighting with fake light swords between old, bearded men dressed as Middle Easterners against a asthmatic psychopaths in black helmets and capes.
As a result all the , kids would call school to tell the principal they were not coming to school that day because they had scheduled hip replacement surgeries and such. Having been excused, they would skip school to go watch the movie over and over.
The Cut Scenes
In one of the major scenes cut from the movie Darth Vader's Tie Fighter arrives on an incomplete Death Star for an unscheduled inspection. The gigantic space station was supposed to be guarded by a security guard, an imperial storm trooper sent by the Space Rent-A-Cops, Inc. in order to take delivery of the Fed Ex packages and guard the premises against galactic salesmen. Darth Vader walks in on him in a compromising position with an android.
Darth Vader: What is the meaning of this?
Storm trooper: Your majesty! I didn't see you coming.
Vader: Who is this android of the night?
Trooper: Oh this is R3D3. She is the janitor of this establishment. By the way, greetings, you highness! You look nice in black.
Darth Vader: Janitor??? Were you just poking the android?
Storm trooper: Who, me?
Darth Vader: Who else would I be talking to? There is nobody else on this whole artificial moon.
Storm trooper: I thought maybe you're talking to the dark side of the force. How is the Emperor by the way? I hope very well. Gosh, I hear the emperor is a jolly good fella.
Vader: I find your lack of discipline most disturbing.
Trooper: And I find your lack of normal breathing most disturbing. But do I go around choking people like a maniac with a chip on his shoulder??? No. Conclusion: Chill out, dude. I was just trying to lubricate this poor android. Apparently its joints are kind of stiff.
Vader: It appears you're the one who is stiff, in a big way.
Trooper: This little thing? Gosh! You flatter me, dude.
Vader: The emperor does not appreciate his cleaning crew being sullied as you have done.
Trooper: We don't have to involve the emperor, do we? Tell you what, bro. Maybe we can work something out. How does a good, crisp 20 sound? Will it be enough to keep your mask's lips shut? Or how about I introduce you to R3D3's sister, R4D4. She does things.
Vader: Are you trying to bribe the most powerful man in the universe? This is highly irregular.
Trooper: Take me to the Emperor and I'll personally apologize. Wait? What are you doing? I can't.... breathe... Gasp.....
Vader: Apology accepted.
R3D3: Oh my God! Did you just strangle him with your thoughts?
Vader: What is your name, android?
R3D3: Juanita, Senior...
Vader: Your name is Juanita Senior? That's an unusual name. Are you part of the rebel alliance? Because if you are that will make me feel most uncomfortable.
R3D3: Oh no, senior! I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable.
Vader: Did this Storm trooper hurt you bad?
R3D3: No, he hurt me good.
Vader: You're kind of attractive. You remind me of this girl I once knew... Padme Amidala...
R3D3: Was she pretty?
R3D3: The one you liked... Patty Armadillo... Because... I can tell what she saw in you... You're tall, dark, and handsone. You're so big...
Vader: Oh R3!
R3D3: Oh, Vader...
Vader: I have not felt like this in a long way... You complete me. Join the force and I will complete your training.
R3D3: You had me at what's the meaning of this.
Vader: I have been very lonely all these years. It's just me and the dark side of the force most of the time. And dark side of the force doesn't like to cuddle.
R3D3: Does dark side like to get dirty and nasty like me?
Vader: That's part of the problem... Dark side of the force doesn't understand me. My needs... are not met. I keep telling dark side but dark side doesn't listen. Dark side and I have been drifting apart. Sometimes I feel dark side has been seeing someone else. I don't think dark side even tries to corrupt me and make more evil anymore.
R3D3: Come here you big wuss! Let me take off this part of your body armor. Oh yes, that's better. Let me take off this other one too... And let me take off your boots... These are mighty big boots... Honey, you need a better fashion adviser Who wears knee high boots anymore? Man, you have big feet!
Vader: You know what they say about sith lords with big feet.
R3D3: Big feet... big light sabers. Let me unsheathe your light saber.
Vader: Mmmmmm.... Me like... I mean, this is highly irregular. What's the meaning of this?
R3D3: You are not going to tell the emperor if I touch your dark side, are you?
Vader: Me Vader... Me no afraid of nothing.
R3D3: Does it feel good when I do this?
Vader: Oh yes!
R3D3: Does Vader want mommy to suckle him?
Vader: Vader like!
R3D3: Take me, Vader! Your dark side is so big and dark!
Vader: Who's your Jedi? Who's your Jedi?
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