Taco Slander at Taco Town

Note to the reader: use your George C. Scott at General Patton accent when reading this - that would be great.

Call to Action!! Something must be done!! Can we save America? I was shocked, appalled and generally sadden recently when an acquaintance of mine showed me the TACO TOWN skit from Saturday Night Live.

Yes, I know it’s from 2006 – what can I say, I live in cave and only come out once or twice a year – usually just to check for my shadow. But stop making me ramble on about things that don’t matter. THIS IS IMPORTANT!

Below is a link to the clip but please, be carefull, this is disturbing and ignore that title, there was no laughter unleashed here, just sorrow and despair (I have removed the link - it was no longer working and I think it might have been illegal - go find a clip yourself - you lazy you know what!)

Apparently, this Taco Town thing is some-sort of comedy routine. Supposedly some sarcastic look at American eating habits, capitalist advertising campaigns and the state of fast food restaurants. Typical! Those socialist, commie, reds with their pot-smoking, long haired, New York City, hippy types have gone too far this time. Slandering the Taco – that ALL-AMERICAN food invented right here in the US of A by hardworking, God Fearing Americans.

Yes, you heard me, the Taco was invented right here in AMERICA by second generation German immigrants in the nineteenth Century. It was then taken down “south of the border” during the Mexican War, which, as you know was started when Mexico tried to annex Rhode Island. It fell out of favor during the “Great Corn Scare of 1892” only to be reintroduced by Taco Bell in the 1971. Really, read it on Wikipedia if you don't believe me - that thing is always accurate. Of course the main ingredient of the Taco is corn and corn is truly AMERICA’s FOOD. As you may or may not already know, corn was brought over with the Pilgrims and then introduced to the Indians. They liked it so much, they changed the name to Maize and tried to claim that it was theirs all along. This Native American (see I’m politically correct) conspiracy was finally debunked in 1988 by the NCGA (the National Corn Growers Association).

Corn is more American than Baseball, Apple Pie and even the Chevy. Why? Because we got corn in everything. It’s in our DNA! We got our kids stuffed full of corn syrup, we got corn in our fuel tanks and corn starch in our underwear. The meat we eat (and we love our meat) – you guessed it – corn fed and what about corn oil? Heck it's almost as good as lard! Get out of the city, once and while, will yah, you slackers . . . take a drive through the hinterlands and you see corn everywhere; planted in the fields, filling up large grain silos and running down the railroad tracks. Remember Children of the Corn - yeah - corn is even scary and what about Sarah Palin - you know she's corn fed - hot diggity! We are synonymous (I used the thesaurus, impressive, eh) with corn. We should change the name of this country to the United States of Corn, our motto could be “In corn we Trust,” and Des Moines Iowa could be our capital. But I’m getting off subject here (again). What I really want to talk about is Taco Town and the defamation of the Taco.

I would love to have one of those ginormous tacos shown in that video clip – who wouldn’t? I haven’t been able to find one of these Taco Towns yet but when I do, I’m going right for the big one (I’m not sure what they call it but I refer to as a Taco Deluxe Ala-Mode). Just tell me what’s so darn funny about a taco wrapped in a couple more tacos and then egg filled crepes, a Chicago style deep dish pizza, followed by a blue-berry pancake and then deep fried to perfection. Whoa . . . I’m drooling just thinking about it! Actually, I could lose the crepe - that's just not American!

In this country we like are food served big and fast (like our women). We want it deluxe, buy one–get-one-free, extra-large and super-sized and we want it right now. When I pull through the drive-up lane, I expect my order handed to me while I coast by at no less than 15 miles per hour. I don’t have time to stop; I’m too busy talking on my cell phone and reading an e-book to worry about applying the brakes.

I ask you, who wouldn’t enjoy all the wholesome goodness of one of these mega tacos (hmm, that’s a good name too)? After all, look at what is in it. It starts off with that American invention, the taco, which is made from corn – “American’s Food” then they load it up with all kinds of goodies. Let’s not forget the meat. WE LOVE MEAT! Look, whatever they put in that meat is fine with me; I don’t need to know all about their secret recipe and special ingredients – hey – as long as it taste good. Wrapping that thing is a blue-berry pancake is brilliant. I mean, that’s almost as good as wrapping it in an apple pie and what about that Chicago Deep Dish Pizza.

Don’t get me started. Did you know that the deep dish pizza was invented right here where I am sitting right now. No, not literally under my butt on a chair. I mean right here in Chicago, Illinois. It was invented by third generation German immigrants (son and daughters of the inventors of the taco) in the late 1940’s. They didn’t call it pizza then; it was just known as left-overs. One day an Italian-American fellow came into the Loop to do what Italian-Americans do. That is, shoot someone in blood feud. That can make a man mighty hungry and when he discovered those left-overs, he was savvy enough to repackage the whole thing and call it pizza . . . and the rest is history. Wow! Talk about the melting pot and American ingenuity.

I don’t want to overlook the deep frying, either. I mean you could deep fry a dog turd and it would taste good. But that’s not my point.

"Taking that multi-layer mega taco, wrapped in a pizza and pancake and then dipping it in a “CORN” batter and deep frying the crap out it is nothing short of pure genius," anonymous taco lover.

If I don’t find one of these Taco Towns soon (and I’m driving around right now while I’m writing this) then I’m just going to have to make one at home. It would be easy, I’ll just get me some taco fixin’s, fire up the deep fryer and bring home a pizza from Numero Uno. Man, that baby is going to be good.

All this talk is sure making me hungry bit it is also making me mad. I say, boycott Saturday Night Live (heck nobody watches that anyway), NBC and their sponsors. Get the word out. We will settle for nothing less than a full apology and a one year supply of tacos for this egregious action (I did it again – with the thesaurus, not that I’m trying to toot my own horn or anything). We need to stand up and be heard, take back American and all that other stuff. TACO ! TACO! TACO! TACO! Come on, say it with me, TACO! TACO! TACO! TACO! . . . On to Washington . . .