By Wes J. Pimentel
What are “Television Personalities?” Sometimes you see some person on television babbling about whatever and the caption on their image is their name, but underneath that it’ll say “television personality.” What the hell is that? What is their actual job? As far as I can tell it’s just being on television. Basically, this means that at some point in this undeservingly fortunate person’s life they ended up being broadcast to millions of viewers; like it’s our fault television stations don’t have more proactive quality control departments.
Anyway, there they are. Just… some guy on T.V. No discernable talent, no area of expertise, no real reason for existing… Where do they hold auditions for this job, because I want in. I can just imagine the interview for this job. I’m sure it would go something like this:
INTERVIEWER: Can you sing?
T.V. Personality Applicant: No.
INT: Can you dance?
INT: Do you know a lot about any one thing?
INT: Do you have a great idea for a show you’d like to host?
INT: Is any part of your life interesting enough to make a reality show out of?
INT: Do you think you could handle being a weatherman?
INT: You’re PERFECT!!
What the hell? Do they have a union? Do they get medical benefits? Is there an apprenticeship program? Obviously, these people just ended up in front of the camera one day and instead of some good-hearted Samaritan like me saying, “Hey, asshole! Get off the set!” They got encouraged by some irresponsible prick who doesn’t care about the quality of our television programming. A couple times of being broadcast and boom, another television personality is born.
It’s almost as bad as “celebrity” being your official title; like Paris Hilton before she decided to justify her fame. When “celebrity” is the only thing a savvy, hip, creative T.V. producer can come up with to call you, you know you’re worthless. This can mean a couple different things: a) You’ve been in show-biz for a long time, but not a single one of your projects is worth mentioning; b) You’re phenomenally wealthy and have absolutely no talent whatsoever, at all; c) You did one really big thing a long time ago, but mentioning it now would be more embarrassing than not, so the producers are trying to be nice; or d) You got a promotion from “Television Personality.” I love America.
Only in a country this rich can people get away with being “television personalities” and “celebrities.” Could you imagine some third world kid describing his aspirations of being a television personality to his mom? She’d probably beat his ass all the way down to the sewage infested river where they get their drinking water. That’s right, I said it.