The Daily Weird #6 (Dog poop is a dangerous weapon)

This Daily Weird comes to you from a little over a month ago. I felt there were enough “weird” factors to warrant posting it as Daily Weird #6.

In early October of this year, an unidentified Boston woman was walking her nameless dog. Her dog had just left her an anonymous present, which she had secretly picked up and placed in a bag for later re-gifting.

Suddenly, a mysterious motorist sped down the street in her small suburb of Belmont, small in that there were only 25,000 residents. Belmont is definitely a quite little place, and certainly a place where no one should have to put up with speeding motorists.

Not only was said mysterious motorist speeding, but also he was so inconsiderate as to almost run an unidentified bicyclist off the quiet little road. The horror.

Thinking quickly, as any unspecified concerned citizen would, and should, the woman grabbed her doggie bag and hoisted it toward the speeding motorist. Being someone of quick reflex and major Judo skills, she managed to get this bag of poo through the window of his speeding car. It was a direct hit.

Now, poor little anonymous woman is not being lauded for her super-human efforts, but rather charged with vandalism, disorderly conduct, and (I swear I’m not lying) assault with a deadly weapon. Apparently nameless dog left some pretty lethal presents for his owner.

I hope they have locked up the dangerous pooch. It would be unsafe to let a dog, with the power to make such weapons at will, wander about freely. Some unknown guy could pick up one of his piles of weaponry, and rob a bank, “Hands up, I’ve got poo.” or terrorize a government “You will all bow down and worship me, or I’ll launch the poo.” The scenarios are endless.

I have not been able to find any updated reports on the poo flinger, the dog and the motorist. I’m sure justice has been properly served upon the fast-armed mysterious woman, and the super-sonic unspecified speeder; but I have to wonder if I will ever sleep well again knowing that somewhere, out in Boston, there is a nameless dog, armed and dangerous, spreading his crap.