The Donut Debacle

 Everybody likes donuts right? If not, don't talk to me. So I run by Fred Meyer the other day to grab some headache medicine, and that's when I have the epiphany......I should buy donuts. Cause if donuts won't make a headache better, nothing will right? I make my way over to the donut case and I start doing a mental count of all the kids at home. Ok, four girls, two that are teenagers, and me, so a dozen should do the trick. So I pick up a box and open the door to the donut case. Here is where the trouble starts.

Who the flyin hell invented these cases? I'm standing there with this stupid donut box, trying to hold the top of it open, balancing my purse on my hip (and BTW I am not one of those people who carries a bag large enough to hide a toddler in (MANDI). Meanwhile, I am reaching in to the case with the other hand with the door half shut on my arm, so I have to gently slither my beloved maple bar out between the crack and hope to hell the delicously buttery glaze comes out intact.

Seriously people, we can put a man on the moon but we can't invent a better system than this? (Although Odie will argue the man on the moon thing). Would it really be too much to ask to make a door that, oh I don't know, STAYS OPEN WHILE YOU FETCH THE DONUTS?! Meanwhile, this overly botoxed woman is standing behind me very impatiently, tapping her foot. "What the hell is your hurry lady, need some jelly to inject in your lip?" No I didn't really say that but wouldn't it have been frickin awesome if I had?

So then is my next problem. How to mix the dozen. My gut (quite literally) tells me to go 8 chocolate and 4 maple. Maybe mix it up a little by making 2 of the chocolate the round with sprinkles. But then this little nagging voice says "Seriously...all chocolate and maple? Don't you think you should put an apple fritter and maybe a plain glazed in there?" And no it wasn't BotoxWoman, it was....I guess my carb conscience? This may not make sense to you all (I rarely do) but it just seems patently wrong to get ALL chocolate and maple, even though I know damn good and well that if I get the other kinds, they will sit in the box and go stale. Anyone else ever have this inner conflict? Probably not.

Ok, so I throw in two glazed (which by the way later go uneaten, there's $1.18 I'll never get back) and step away from the case so AngryBotoxWoman can get in there. So then I am trying to balance the box and close it. It's the kind with the lid attached, not the kind where you have to get a bottom and a top and they never fit together. However, this is deceiving because the damn thing won't close. I fold it down and the back puckers out. I close one side, and the other side flies open like a moomoo on a fat lady. So I'm doing this one legged hobble dance, with my not large purse balanced on one hip,and this uncooperative donut box on the other one (in my sweat pants BTW...I work from home, it's my uniform) and it seriously will not close. I imagine it was probably quite a sight. Probably not as good as when I biffed it at the gym, but that is for another rant. Somewhere there are AT LEAST two security camera tapes with my ticket to $10,000 on AFV.

Finally, I give up on the frickin box. I mean, even if it had closed, who am I kidding, it would have been open the minute it hit the front seat of my car anyway. So I go pay for my half open box of decadence and head home. I am exhausted. Who knew buying donuts would be this much work? I think I just discovered the REAL reason someone invented Atkins.