The Funnies of Joan Rivers

Melissa: What do you want for your birthday?

Joan: Cyanide

We all know what today is.

Nobody say anything.

I was an unwanted child.

My mother tried to have an abortion two months after I was born.

I know what I could ask for - a good bowel movement.

(When Melissa tells her how great her life is)

Imma be a biker chic on a 3-wheeler.

(Joan walking into a tattoo parlor with a friend)

My ass looks like when they faked the moon landing.

(Joan when she is about to lie down to get the bee tattoo on her behind)

When I get on stage, I feel like a young girl of 68 with her whole life ahead of her.

(Joan on how it feels to perform on stage)

You know what you look like? The queen of a cell block. You could go out with a gang member.

(What Joan said after seeing her friend's snake tattoo)

Yes they do. Their's all say "This side up."

(Joan on the Kardashians' having matching tattoos in reference to her and Melissa both haing bee tattoos. By the way, Joan never got the bee tattoo and the Kardashians don't have matching tattoos of "This side up")

Oh my god! This thing better have an airbag!

(On racing cars with Cooper and Melissa for her birthday)

Next year, we'll do a huge party... open bar and if things don't go well, an open casket.

(Joan to Melissa about her birthday next year)

With all these new parts in me... I'm still under warrenty.

Joan: What does an oyster look like?

Melissa: Looks like this.

Joan: Looks like a Betty White vagina.