The GUYfriend Rules

(This hub was inspired by Always Ellen's far more eloquent, serious and better written hub, which can be found HERE. My article will only amuse you if you've read hers first, so go - I'll wait for you to get back. Make sure to give hers a resounding thumbs up while you're there.)

The Guy Friend Rules:

We all know they exist, but because we are guys we see rules as being like directions and therefore we refuse to acknowledge they exist. (But I'm still going to write them down anyway.)

At this point in her article, Always Ellen had some clever insights and a very good story about working with other women that made me laugh while opening my eyes. So, I would do the same thing here in mine about working with guys, but the thing is, pretty much all the guys I've worked with are exactly the same: some grunts in the morning when they arrive, some more grunts around lunch time, maybe a comment about the game, and then some grunts before they go home. At best guys might go share a beer after work and grunt about some other stuff for awhile, but that's about it. However, in keeping with the spirit of respectful parody, I wrote this paragraph here so that my article looks like Always Ellen's; hopefully doing that will gain me some credibility.

Ok, onto the rules.

Ten Rules of Friendship (This is supposed to be funny, and there is actually ten)

1) Definately date your friend's ex

The time limit on this is:

• If they were married or seriously committed: never (unless you can do it without getting caught)
• If the friend is also related to you: never (again, unless you think you can do it without getting caught)
• If they dated for over a year: IF your friend is over her (which obviously he will be because he's a guy and we are shallow), then you don't even have to ask. Go for it. You guys can compare notes over pizza and beer.
• If they dated for less than six months: If they dated for less than six months you were probably still hitting on her too, so technically an argument can be made that she was partly yours anyway and therefore you're good to go!

** If your friend never gets over his girlfriends then he is probably gay and only pretending to like girls because he's unwilling to come out of the closet yet. You should be a real friend and tell him you are with him through thick and thin and will still be his friend if he decides to fight social prejudices and accept himself for who he really is. That's what real friends do.

2) Always negatively gossip when the other one is absent. A concerned conversation never happens between guys, so why pretend anything being said matters anyway. Be sure to point out how hilarious your friend was while vomiting the other night after he drank too much, or how stupid he looked picking up all his clothes off the lawn when his wife threw him out of the house. Always do this.

3) If your mom is your friend, you need to move out. Dude, why are you still at home? Get a job. No wonder you can't get a girlfriend. Age is entirely relevant here.

4) When your friend dumps on you how useless his wife or girlfriend is, totally agree with him if his wife or girlfriend is even remotely hot. Tell him, "Yeah, wow, that woman is such a battle axe," and, "Bro, she's really trying to drag you down."

Reason: Once he goes home and says something stupid to her after taking your advice, she'll throw him out. You can follow up with the strategies laid out up there under Rule #1 after that, using the standard consolation-sympathy play.

5) Do not be one of those "friends" that constantly dumps about your useless wife / girlfriend. On occasion, fine, doing this shows extreme disrespect for your spouse which most guys totally enjoy. However, long-winded diatribes can have the net effect of boring your friend to death because most guys don't have the ability to listen long enough to hear what it is you have to say.

6) Old friends get the benefit of the doubt over new ones... unless the new one has, like, his Nintendo Wii hooked up to a giant screen TV, or maybe tickets to the game or has at least volunteered to buy the beer.

7) Friends have established understandings about cash. They are either broke and trying to sponge off of everyone they know, or they are rich and want to make sure everyone around them knows. Try to find friends of the second kind if you can and then HONOR THEM.

8) It is your responsibility to make your friend look bad.

Spinach on teeth, toilet paper on shoe, key information to save him from looking like an ass are all to be assiduously ignored. When he asks why people are laughing you must feign ignorance at all costs.

9) Friends totally sabotage one another. If he's just quit smoking or drinking, always shove a beer or cigarette in his face and make yummy noises until you can ruin his attempts at better health. If he loses weight or starts working out, that will just make you look bad if you look in the mirror.

10) Friends don't tell friends secrets. Guys are too shallow to have any secrets worth sharing anyway. And if they do have a secret it's probably illegal or going to cost them alimony every month, so they ain't about to spill.

So there you have it, a few simple rules for friends to live by. And remember:

Friends are like money, totally filthy and gross if seen under a microscope.

--Samuel Buttman

Friends like melons, shall I tell you why? They stare at them constantly, unable to control their eye.

--Clod Mermaid

A true friend is someone who knows you are an egghead and always makes a related crack.

--Bernie Meltzher

--always, Shades

(Emulation is the highest form of flattery and I do hope with all my being that Always Ellen appreciates my joke)