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The GUYfriend Rules

Updated on October 26, 2011

Friendships do have rules...

(This hub was inspired by Always Ellen's far more eloquent, serious and better written hub, which can be found HERE. My article will only amuse you if you've read hers first, so go - I'll wait for you to get back. Make sure to give hers a resounding thumbs up while you're there.)

The Guy Friend Rules:

We all know they exist, but because we are guys we see rules as being like directions and therefore we refuse to acknowledge they exist. (But I'm still going to write them down anyway.)

At this point in her article, Always Ellen had some clever insights and a very good story about working with other women that made me laugh while opening my eyes. So, I would do the same thing here in mine about working with guys, but the thing is, pretty much all the guys I've worked with are exactly the same: some grunts in the morning when they arrive, some more grunts around lunch time, maybe a comment about the game, and then some grunts before they go home. At best guys might go share a beer after work and grunt about some other stuff for awhile, but that's about it. However, in keeping with the spirit of respectful parody, I wrote this paragraph here so that my article looks like Always Ellen's; hopefully doing that will gain me some credibility.

Ok, onto the rules.

Cool Stuff that Guys Like

A True Guyfriend GETS the rules and refuses to read them

Ten Rules of Friendship (This is supposed to be funny, and there is actually ten)

1) Definately date your friend's ex

The time limit on this is:

  • If they were married or seriously committed: never (unless you can do it without getting caught)
  • If the friend is also related to you: never (again, unless you think you can do it without getting caught)
  • If they dated for over a year: IF your friend is over her (which obviously he will be because he's a guy and we are shallow), then you don't even have to ask. Go for it. You guys can compare notes over pizza and beer.
  • If they dated for less than six months: If they dated for less than six months you were probably still hitting on her too, so technically an argument can be made that she was partly yours anyway and therefore you're good to go!

** If your friend never gets over his girlfriends then he is probably gay and only pretending to like girls because he's unwilling to come out of the closet yet. You should be a real friend and tell him you are with him through thick and thin and will still be his friend if he decides to fight social prejudices and accept himself for who he really is. That's what real friends do.

2) Always negatively gossip when the other one is absent. A concerned conversation never happens between guys, so why pretend anything being said matters anyway. Be sure to point out how hilarious your friend was while vomiting the other night after he drank too much, or how stupid he looked picking up all his clothes off the lawn when his wife threw him out of the house. Always do this.

3) If your mom is your friend, you need to move out. Dude, why are you still at home? Get a job. No wonder you can't get a girlfriend. Age is entirely relevant here.

4) When your friend dumps on you how useless his wife or girlfriend is, totally agree with him if his wife or girlfriend is even remotely hot. Tell him, "Yeah, wow, that woman is such a battle axe," and, "Bro, she's really trying to drag you down."

Reason: Once he goes home and says something stupid to her after taking your advice, she'll throw him out. You can follow up with the strategies laid out up there under Rule #1 after that, using the standard consolation-sympathy play.

5) Do not be one of those "friends" that constantly dumps about your useless wife / girlfriend. On occasion, fine, doing this shows extreme disrespect for your spouse which most guys totally enjoy. However, long-winded diatribes can have the net effect of boring your friend to death because most guys don't have the ability to listen long enough to hear what it is you have to say.

6) Old friends get the benefit of the doubt over new ones... unless the new one has, like, his Nintendo Wii hooked up to a giant screen TV, or maybe tickets to the game or has at least volunteered to buy the beer.

7) Friends have established understandings about cash. They are either broke and trying to sponge off of everyone they know, or they are rich and want to make sure everyone around them knows. Try to find friends of the second kind if you can and then HONOR THEM.

8) It is your responsibility to make your friend look bad.

Spinach on teeth, toilet paper on shoe, key information to save him from looking like an ass are all to be assiduously ignored. When he asks why people are laughing you must feign ignorance at all costs.

9) Friends totally sabotage one another. If he's just quit smoking or drinking, always shove a beer or cigarette in his face and make yummy noises until you can ruin his attempts at better health. If he loses weight or starts working out, that will just make you look bad if you look in the mirror.

10) Friends don't tell friends secrets. Guys are too shallow to have any secrets worth sharing anyway. And if they do have a secret it's probably illegal or going to cost them alimony every month, so they ain't about to spill.

So there you have it, a few simple rules for friends to live by. And remember:

Friends are like money, totally filthy and gross if seen under a microscope.

--Samuel Buttman

Friends like melons, shall I tell you why? They stare at them constantly, unable to control their eye.

--Clod Mermaid

A true friend is someone who knows you are an egghead and always makes a related crack.

--Bernie Meltzher

--always, Shades

(Emulation is the highest form of flattery and I do hope with all my being that Always Ellen appreciates my joke)

Comments

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    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      9 years ago from California

      Thanks, Rockinjoe. I think, given my aging teenage boys, I gotta be lookin' at 3 the hardest right now. lol

    • rockinjoe profile image

      Joseph Addams 

      9 years ago from Standing right behind you!

      I'm starting to get Hubpages mail now, so I've been checking out some stuff I've missed, This hub is priceless. You hit the nail on the head with every single "rule" in the list. Numbers 1 and 8 are my favorites.

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      We are easy prey aren't we? But, you're right, we dont care. Just listen to what guys call each other. You can tell how close two guys are by how horrifcally rude they are to one another. Thanks for the upward thumbs!

    • Maylinda Arons profile image

      Maylinda Arons 

      10 years ago

      Hahahah... I love guys. You're so much fun to make fun of, and you don't take it all seriously and make it an issue and blah blah blah... good hub! Thumbs shall be pointed upward :)

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      It is funny. End of story. Life is too short to be taken seriously anyway.

    • glassvisage profile image

      glassvisage 

      10 years ago from Northern California

      I must be a guy because I think it would be funny to let my friend walk around with toilet paper-shoe.

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      Yes, a remarkable coincidence on that, eh? lol

      Thanks for the kind words.

    • profile image

      pgrundy 

      10 years ago

      This is so perfect. Good thing it's satire--the real rules are, um, exactly the same as these rules...

      You rock!

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      Whew, I was afraid I was gonna have to make awkward excuses why I couldn't afford your fees if you didn't kick down for the benefit of brotherhood!

    • profile image

      Ananta65 

      10 years ago

      Dude, we're guys! I scratch your back, you scratch mine *lol*

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      Oh... rammifications... yes, you are right. Guys are famously not thinking of those either. I stand entirely corrected. Notes taken, and I may call you for editing on the next one prior to publication if your fees are affordable. LOL

    • profile image

      Ananta65 

      10 years ago

      I know, ShadesBreath. HE will be the last to know, but that's of no concern. You're trying to protect future dates and if word has it you're the *sshole who dated his sister, your chances may decrease. Who wants that? ;)

    • In The Doghouse profile image

      In The Doghouse 

      10 years ago from California

      Shadesbreath,

      You are absolutely right, these were far more funny after reading Ellens Hub. After all Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars... or whatever! lol

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      Well, I would agree, except that, like you said, "girls" babble. GUYS don't listen and are generally clueless, so, he would still probably be the last to know. So, that rule still remains in play in my opinion, but I will certainly take your fine insight into consideration when I construct my list and put an asterix next to that rule.

    • profile image

      Ananta65 

      10 years ago

      We all know girls. They babble. Dating your friend's sister without it being known is an illusion ;)

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      Hah, yeah, you're right that one didn't make it either. That's the trouble with lists of 10. If I do a follow, that's on it for sure! Thanks for that.

    • that one girl profile image

      that one girl 

      10 years ago from Washington state

      This was awesome. And some of the "rules" line up quite neatly with my guy friends take on life, which is mildly disturbing. Oh, and I don't think I saw the cardinal rule: "Don't date your friend's sister -- unless you think you can't get caught," amongst the dating rules.

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      Ananta, out of respect then, I shall refuse to acknowledge that you refuse to acknowledge having read them. :)

      Yes, A.E., I suspect far more guys follow these rules than anyone wants to know. BUt you're right, not all (fortunately). Oh, but you should be careful mentioning impossible tasks like that jelly thing. Some guy will set out to prove that he can do it, especially since a GIRL brought it up.

      Thanks for comments, both.

    • Always ellen profile image

      Always ellen 

      10 years ago from Toronto Canada

      Funny. I suspect a few men have followed these ones... but not all, I can't diss my guy friends!

      I can't recall where I heard it, but remember:

      “There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy...like nailing jelly to a tree for example”

      always ellen

    • profile image

      Ananta65 

      10 years ago

      I refuse to acknowledge that I have even read these rules ;)

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      Yeah, I'd work the system like mad. LOL.

    • profile image

      Agro Donkey 

      10 years ago from Ohio

      Yeah the world is lucky that I'm not a chick because I would most definatly take advantage of guys like me.

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      Hah, good, I'm glad you came Tracijoy. I was going nuts waiting for her to say something and didn't want to be too horrifically self promoting and actually link this.

      And, yeah, that whole "unless we have a guy to move for us" thing. See, that's how I know that the universe likes girls more than guys. End of story. lol

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      That's a good one, but there wasn't anywhere in Always Ellen's that would accomodate that rule. I suppose I could write an andendum hub. lol

      THat particular issue has always been troublesome though. Basically, you're talking about the golden rule. The old, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. However, that can work in two directions.

      1. You ask your friend to move and he can ask you.

      or

      2. You don't ask your friend to help you move and he won't ask you.

      Ultimately it comes down to whether you believe it's cruel to make somone endure that misery or just the nature of having friends. Personally, I think it's cruel, but sometimes desperation outweighs kindness.

    • tracijoy profile image

      tracijoy 

      10 years ago from Upstate New York

      BIG thumbs up shades.... I saw your intentions on Always Ellens comments so I had to come look you up. Great job!! Agro? Moving day is key... that one goes for women too.... at least for those of us women who don't have men that move us!

    • profile image

      Agro Donkey 

      10 years ago from Ohio

      You forgot about moving day dude. You know that you have to help your dude move on the off chance that you will move some time in the future.

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      Yeah, that's a fact. Frequently, jest is the safest way to deliver truth. Takes the edge off.

    • profile image

      mumz 

      10 years ago

      In jest there is truth! HAH!

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      Well, there's either no rules or tons and tons and they all get ignored. I suppose these ten might be just a sampling. lol. Thanks for the comments.

    • Rhym O'Reison profile image

      Rhym O'Reison 

      10 years ago from Crowley, Tx

      Now I know which wit to look up when I need a laugh. As if there are any rules! Ha.....good one.

    • Shadesbreath profile imageAUTHOR

      Shadesbreath 

      10 years ago from California

      Um, I'm totally innocent.  Any resemblence to myself is purely coincidental and should be immediately ignored.  Um... oh, wait... 

      Writing transcends the writing experience, and it is the role of the artist to recognize human truths whatever they may be while claiming no such affinity with the base behaviors so aesthetically described.  Or some other such nonsense. 

      Yes, much better.  Going with that.

      Thanks for the comment. 

    • dineane profile image

      dineane 

      10 years ago from North Carolina

      Hysterical! And I suspect a bit more truth included than intended :-)

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