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The Horror Banana's Listweek Episode 1 : Top 10 Worst Movie Going Experiances
Top 10 Worst Movie Going Experiences
I’m sure we’ve all been to a movie we regretted. Being a fan of horror, the list goes on and on. Sometimes though, things are made worse with the audience. Or sometimes, you get so mad you actually yell things during the movie. And on rare occasions, you actually leave the theatre physically upset. All of those things have happened to me, so here’s a quick rundown of the ten worst.
10. Cats and Dogs- Why I was even at this movie, I’ve yet to figure out. I was about 15 when it came out, and from what I recall, my aunt and uncle had free movie theatre tickets and picked that movie. I remember being actually terrified of the animals moving their mouths to shape words. When I left the theatre, I agreed that no one would ever know what the hell I just spent two hours of my life watching. I kept that promise until now. Plus, I distinctly remember my large Mr. Pibb being flat as all hell.
9. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines – First of all, I saw this movie about two months after it came out. I didn’t want to see a film that basically, in my estimation, would shit all over the previous entry. However, I found a cheap theatre behind a thrift store in one of the dirtiest towns in Pennsylvania, and paid my $3, plus another $3 on stale popcorn, and sat down. Right away I was taken out of the movie, as it started raining outside, and because the theatre was basically just me and no one else, all I could hear the entire movie was the rainstorm. I kept wondering if the sound was bad or something. Oh yeah…and the movie was awful.
8. Men In Black 2 – First of all, this is still the only movie I’ve ever been so disgusted with that I walked out in the middle of it. I could buy the first movie because even though the events were ridiculous, it made an attempt to keep a real setting. This movie, however, tosses any realism aside. It insults the viewer’s intelligence, claiming a mind-wiping device didn’t quite wipe the mind of a man in his late 60’s. So even though I tried forcing myself to accept it, some kids in this run down dump of a theatre I was watching it in kept yelling at the screen. The worst part was, it wasn’t even translatable English. They were just yelling nonsense. So unable to deal with these idiot kids, and this idiot plot designed for these idiot kids, I left. I haven’t seen the rest of the movie, or the follow-up, to this day.
7. Red Eye- I think the worst part of this was the anticipation of a horror movie unrealized. According to every trailer I watched, this was going to be a terrifying Wes Craven ride. Instead, it was basically “Phone Booth 2- Airplane.” I kept waiting and waiting for something to scare me, and then all of the sudden, the antagonist gets stabbed in the eye with a pen. If this was supposed to be suspenseful, and this villain was supposed to be dangerous, why the hell did he get taken down with a pen? For an hour and a half I watched this hair-brained movie deteriorate into nothing, and the worst part was, when it was over, I heard a man tell his girlfriend/wife behind me, “Wow. That was exciting.” No, sir. No it wasn’t.
6. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones – I don’t even know if that title’s correct. I just know I fell asleep twenty minutes in, and haven’t seen it since. The only other movie I slept through was the follow-up to this one, but at least I’d already seen it once before.
5. The Cave- If you want to know what watching “The Cave” was like for me, here’s what you can do. Go into a closet, turn the lights off, turn on a camera, and start screaming for 90 minutes. Then roll credits. Seriously, I don’t know what the hell happened, even in repeated viewings. I do know that “The Descent” was way, way better.
4. Paranormal Activity 3 – So this movie made me laugh a lot. And it also frustrated me a lot. And it also made a drunk girl in the audience giggle uncontrollably at an inappropriate moment to be giggling, until her friend yelled at her to “Shut the fuck up.” First of all, I was a hardened fan of the previous two movies, so I was excited to be scared. But that never happened. I was excited to see what I had been shown in the previews, but they must have been for a different movie, because NONE of those scenes were shown. I was at a loss when it ended. The next movie was worse, but at least there were no drunk girls laughing throughout.
3. Bicentennial Man- You have to understand, I was only 14 when this came out. It was a PG-13 movie, but it had Robin Williams talking about sex in some of the most disturbing conversations I had ever heard. And it had an unfunny, boring Robin Williams that frankly, I didn’t want to see. None of those things were the big problem though. The big problem was, this movie lasted what seemed like 10 hours. It was only two and a half, (Ha. Only.), but I remember going to the bathroom TWICE. And even then, I didn’t miss a damn thing. I still knew what was going on…nothing.
2. Saw (The Second Viewing)- To get proper context of this, you’d have to see my Top Five Movie Going Experiences list tomorrow. Here’s how it goes. The first time, I loved the ending so much I didn’t really pay attention to the other things going on in the movie. So I called all my friends, and actually got a gang together to go see this. And as I’m watching it for the second time in two days, after bragging about it at length, it dawned on me. The acting was awful. The plot was full of holes. The story made very little sense. I felt like I let my friends down, and not only that, I felt that my credibility with movies was shot to shit. And it was. Thanks, Saw.
1. Friday the 13th (2009)- First of all, this is my favorite movie franchise. Jason is a ton of fun, especially if you’re willing to turn your brain off for 90 minutes. However, if there’s any fans out there like me, and I’m sure there are, they’d like one serious Jason movie. One to kind of clear up whatever cobwebs 11 movies had made up to that point. In fact, I actually took a shot at writing my own script where Jason finds his father, and goes after Tommy in order to resurrect his mother.
And truth be told, it was better than what I got.
So alone comes this reboot, which promises to make amends. It promises to give us fans what we want, and to follow the story of Parts 1-4 pretty closely. Well, I managed to get my mother, who hates horror, to come with me. I have never, ever been so excited to see a movie. So imagine my disappointment when we have a twenty-minute opening credit sequence in which Jason’s mom is killed, and some stoners get burned alive. What the hell?
The movie kept plodding along and insulting my intelligence more and more, all while straying far from anything that resembled a Friday the 13th movie. By the end, my eyes hurt, and I actually had a real headache. A real one. Finally, as the main characters are sitting on the dock, I yelled at the screen. “I swear to God, don’t let Jason pop up…” No sooner had I spoke those words did Jason pop up for the final “gotcha” moment that left me shaking in anger. It’s not any wonder that there hasn’t been a second greenlit sequel to this garbage of a movie.