ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The Incontinent Blogger

Updated on June 13, 2012

Admitting you’re a blogger or a writer is like confessing that you wet the bed. Not many will be impressed, some will entertain sympathy, most will profess indifference, and the rest will recoil in disgust as if you were infested with the plague. And of course, nobody wants you anywhere near their mattress!

In a completely unrelated point of fact, reading my blog may be the literary equivalent of running barefoot and blindfolded through a cow pasture…don’t step in that analogy!

I am privileged to know some good people whom I sincerely admire but have been known to try just a little too hard at times. They’re so good, they’re bad at it. These suffer from a condition similar to moral constipation. I call it a bad case of ‘rectal rectitude’; i.e., being so upright they become uptight, become overly constricted and, well, anal.

Quit snickering! ‘Anal’ is a perfectly good word. Lest we derive some negative connotations, I should stop and clarify. Anal, being a shortened version of anally retentive, is defined as being overly concerned with being organized and tidy; which would seem to imply that someone was instead somehow. . .constipated, or being annoyingly obsessed with details. And you thought it had something to do with the anus? I bet you still laugh when somebody poots out loud?

Please excuse my analogy but… The more I think about it, creativity is like…a bowel movement. It strikes you at the oddest times, frequently causes intense pain for brief periods of time; like inspiration, when the feeling is gone, it’s gone, and yes, the end result may even stink when finished.

If you have ever experienced ‘brain turds’ you can more appreciate the analogy. This condition is not to be confused with brain ‘farts’ of which the technical term is ‘cerebral flatulence’. Cerebral flatulence is typically random and sporadic outbursts that linger briefly in the atmosphere before dissipating while brain turds tend to cause you to behave peculiarly for extended periods of time. Neither of these terms can be found in a textbook. In fact, you won’t find stuff like this on the Dr. Phil show either, which may explain why he has a show and I do not.

What, you say? Brain turds?!! Well, since you asked…they often require concentrated & strenuous cerebral effort, are frequently accompanied by peculiar facial expressions, and often met with disdain by those around you. Long periods of time between irregular writing habits is a contributor. Oh, the pains of irregularity! One happens when you least expect it, the other you can't force no matter how much effort you put into it. So there you have it.

Sometimes I get constipation of the brain and nothing seems to come out right or I suffer from the other extreme, extended cases of diarrhea of the mouth. cerebral discomfort and bloating of the Broca’s Area are a frequent symptom of cognitive ‘clogging’. ‘Brain-turds’ can be embarrassing which is why I often wrap my head with a roll of toilet paper before I leave the house; every time I sneeze, I have to wipe my ears.

For those of you not of the technical persuasion, a ‘brain-turd’ is thinking that may resemble intelligent thought but instead causes prolonged bouts of distended cognitive processes resulting in debilitating dysfunctional behavior. Those afflicted seem unable to ‘pass’ the dysfunctional thought processes that causes repeated impaired judgement, rendering the person incapacitated when it comes to making intelligent personal choices without assistance. Non-academic laypersons typically refer to those with this malady with non-technical terms such as being F.O.S., i.e., full-of-crap. The ‘crap’ being whatever stupid thought processes that keeps them from exercising judgement that is not impaired.

In extreme situations, I have. recommended taking a mental laxative or more extreme measures, such a giving yourself a mental enema. However at no time should you see a near-sighted proctologist after he’s had a particularly nasty fight with his wife.

(Sound of flushing noise in the background).

Oh, those annoying brain -turds! Forget the heartbreak of psoriasis, this affliction is really embarrassing. Anybody can survive flaky scalp but flaky thinking is debilitating.

Well, that’s about as much advice as I can legally dispense without charging you for it. And Dr. Phil…I’m coming for your network time slot.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Julie DeNeen profile image

      Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

      This was quite funny...I like your analogy between writing and digestive issues. :)

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      Ha. This was fantastic. I enjoyed this very much. UP Awesome, Funny and Shared

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: "https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr"

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)