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The Microbes Win Again

Updated on March 8, 2013

Darn those microbes!

They don't even have a brain, at least not the last time I checked out Microbe Anatomy 101. Meanwhile humanity, immensely proud of how we have surpassed the rest of the animal kingdom in intelligence and technology in just a scant few tens of thousands of years, is unable to maintain superiority over a foe that does not even possess a brain.. So I must ask myself the inevitable question; which of us is the smarter? If a doctor, after having their brain stuffed full of twelve years of college education gleaned from six thousand years of accumulated knowledge can't beat brainless microbes, who constantly devise new ways to make us sick or cause us to spend exorbitant sums of disposable income on prescriptions; what makes us think we're smarter?

This may be why they're beating us at the survival game; we spend dozens of years sitting in class trying to learn all this 'education' stuff and the next twenty paying off our student loans; meanwhile microbes skips school altogether to fiendishly execute their plan of ultimate world domination.

The other day I had to read yet another article on the Internet about some new super-bug virus that will eventually wipe out the humanity anyway.

See what I mean?!!

So what's the use?

The 'bugs' win in the end?!!

In the end, all of humanity will be wiped out, just like the dinosaurs. And all that will be left to inhabit the planet are...microbes. On the plus side, 'they' won't have to occupy as much space as as we, thereby resolving much of our current limited resources problems. Think about it! 100,000 microbes living on the head of a pin. Why couldn't we think of that?

Quick?!! What do you call a pimple? ANSWER: A Bacteria Condominium! Duh! gotta' love them. Paramecium, protozoa, bacteria...since they are amorphous, they are unable to own or drive cars,, therefore unable to pollute the environment.

And now, my great idea!

All Al Gore needs to do to save the environment is reduce humanity en masse to simple blobs of protoplasm and wa-la. Zero carbon footprint!

Al can do what would take Congress and the UN decades to accomplish. This should be easy for Crazy Uncle Al: after all he has already invented the Internet; so he should be able to pull this off with a chemistry set and a massive Humanity Transformation Ray to blast us with from any one the of the dozens of satellites orbiting the planet. This is admittedly all old 1970's era Johnny Quest technology so it's already been proven to be a viable schema of maniacal world conquest with 'off-the-shelf' low-tech stuff routinely employed by mad scientists decades ago.

However I suspect NBC, CBS, and ABC will be so angry when they run out of episodes of Stupid Celebrity Tricks and have to report real news instead of running repeated reports of over-used global climactic end-of-the-world scenarios with inflated with mass quantities of hyperbole and pseudoscience. My favorite part are all the really cool simulations.

Fool me once...

If only Jane Fonda had thought of this instead of producing ludicrous Captain Planet cartoons to brainwash indiscriminate young minds! By the time those cartoons came out my jaded young mind had already been steeped in cynicism after the Santa Claus debacle where I finally learned the truth about Santa. I must have been twenty or so when I finally figured it out so I was not about to be taken in so easily again; besides, I had already sent in two box tops and waited the mandatory six weeks for postage and handling. Needless to say, my disappointment was muted after I said the same thing those kids said after putting on their rings. Sadly, it turned out I did not get even one of those wonderful powers of earth, wind, water, fire; nor were I and my three friends able to summon up Captain Planet.

Anyway, too bad Al sold his Current Network to Al Jazeera or he could have really cashed in on the media blitz. This would only seem fair after George stole the election from him. You would think he could have at least been appointed Enviro-Czar of the Universe for his trouble but no, the cruel twists of fate denied him.

Karma can be so unfair.

Every great idea has a flaw or two...

Now where was I? Oh, yeah...turning humans into microbes. If you can't beat them, you may as well join them, right?!!

There was one snag to my plan; when humans get sick they take when we are turned into microbes, what will the doctor give us a prescription for? We can't take antibiotics. We will all already be BIOTICS.

Did I say one snag? OK, here's snag number 2.

Microorganisms, although incredibly small are able to multiply exponentially, resulting in unchecked bacteria population growth. So what do we do? Planned Parenthood for Microbes? Then we would we all sit around on the head of a pin with nothing to do but watch endless episodes of reality TV...with shows like The Duggers Microbe Family, "19 Trillion Kids and Counting. "And I delivered them all" (via the process of binary fusion but exhausting nonetheless). I'd like to see her keep all those names straight!

If you figure out how to fix these problems, send me a comment; that is you managed to read this far without gouging your eyeballs out or hitting yourself over your head repeatedly with your laptop for having gone this far. Me? I'm going to wriggle back into my straight jacket before the attendant catches me on his computer again.


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    • Larry Rankin profile image

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Interesting analysis.