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The Microbes Win Again

Updated on May 17, 2020
jimagain profile image

Jim is an accomplished writer with many great literary achievements, most of which he simply made up.


Oh, those microbes!

I'm no expert when it comes to microbes but one thing does stand out. Correct me if I'm wrong, but, microbes don't have a brain. I'm not trying to be harsh, I am simply stating an obvious fact.

Generally speaking, a microbe is a microorganism; one than can't be seen without a microscope. Microbes can include bacteria, viruses, fungi, algae, and protozoa. Most are helpful, however microbes that cause disease are called pathogens.

It would seem not having a brain would put those guys at a disadvantage on the evolutionary ladder. Apparently, this is not an obstacle to the microbes.

So how do these non-intelligent guys cause such havoc?

Meanwhile humanity, immensely proud of how we have surpassed the rest of the animal kingdom in intelligence and technology, is somehow unable to maintain superiority over a foe that does not even possess a brain? I would think microbes, with no brain, would be easily foiled by scientists, equipped with a brain.

Despite not having a brain, microbes constantly devise new ways to make us sick or cause us to spend exorbitant sums of our disposable income on prescriptions, hospital visits, and medical insurance instead of more important expenditures, such as tickets to the game.

So, I must ask myself the inevitable question; what does this tell us? If a doctor, after having their brain stuffed full of twelve years of college education gleaned from six thousand years of accumulated knowledge, can't beat a brainless microbes, what makes us think humans are smart?

This may even be why they're beating us at the survival game; we spend dozens of years sitting in class trying to learn all this 'education' stuff and the next twenty paying off our student loans; meanwhile microbes skips school altogether to fiendishly execute their plan of ultimate world annhiliation.

Just the other day, I read yet another article about some new super-bug, or virus, that will eventually wipe out humanity anyway.

See what I mean?!!

So what's the use?

The 'bugs' win in the end?!!

In the end, all of humanity will be wiped out, just like the dinosaurs. And all that will be left to inhabit the planet are...microbes. On the plus side, 'they' won't have to occupy as much space as we, thereby resolving much of our current limited resources problems. Think about it! One-hundred-thousand microbes living on the head of a pin. Why couldn't we think of that? gotta' love them. Paramecium, protozoa, bacteria...since they are amorphous, they are unable to own or drive cars,, therefore unable to pollute the environment.

Quick?! What do you call a pimple?

ANSWER: A bacteria condominium!

And now, my great idea!

Suddenly, saving the environment is simple. Reduce humanity, en masse, to simple blobs of protoplasm and wa-la. Zero carbon footprint!

One kooky scientist with a shrink ray could do what would take Congress and the UN decades to accomplish. I'm sure there has to be an evil mad scientist somewhere, in between schemes of world conquest, sitting around in his laboratory with time on his hands. With a shrink ray he could blast us with any one the of the dozens of satellites already orbiting the planet, turning humans into microscopic creatures. This is admittedly all old 1970's era Johnny Quest technology so it's already been proven to be a viable schema of maniacal world conquest with 'off-the-shelf' low-tech stuff routinely employed by mad scientists decades ago.

However I suspect NBC, CBS, and ABC will be angry when they run out of episodes of Stupid Celebrity Tricks and have to report real news instead of running repeated reports of worn-out global climactic end-of-the-world scenarios inflated with mass quantities of hyperbole and pseudoscience. Who needs evidence when you have a really cool simulation?

Fool me once...

If only Jane Fonda had thought of this instead of producing ludicrous Captain Planet cartoons to brainwash indiscriminate young minds! By the time those cartoons came out my jaded young mind had already been steeped in cynicism after the Santa Claus debacle, where I finally learned the truth about a certain jolly old elf. I must have been twenty or so. Ever since I was determined not to be taken in so easily; besides, I had already sent in two box tops and waited the mandatory six weeks for postage and handling. Needless to say, my disappointment was muted after I said the same thing those kids said after putting on their rings. Sadly, it turned out I did not get even one of those wonderful powers of earth, wind, water, fire; nor were I and my three friends able to summon up Captain Planet.

Every great idea has a flaw or two...

Now where was I? Oh, yeah...turning humans into microbes. If you can't beat them, you may as well join them, right?!!

There was one snag to my plan; when humans get sick they take when we are turned into microbes, what will the doctor give us a prescription for? We can't take antibiotics. We will all already be biotics.

Did I say one snag? OK, here's snag number 2

Microorganisms, although incredibly small are able to multiply exponentially, resulting in unchecked bacteria population growth. So what does that mean? Planned Parenthood for Microbes? Then we would we all sit around on the head of a pin with nothing to do but procreate while we watch endless episodes of reality TV...with shows like The Duggers Microbe Family, "19 Trillion Kids and Counting." And I delivered them all" -via the process of binary fusion but exhausting nonetheless.

I'd like to see her keep all those names straight!

If you figure out how to fix these problems, let me know; that is, if you've managed to read this far without gouging your eyeballs out or hitting yourself over your head repeatedly with your laptop.

Me? I'm going to wriggle back into my straight jacket before the attendant catches me on his computer again.

So, the next time you feel inferior because you don't have a brain, neither do the microbes!

© 2013 Jim Henderson


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