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The Most Terrifying Thing About Death (According To A Lunatic)
UPDATE: I just created a new Facebook page called, "The Delightful Lunatic," that will feature many points of inspired hilarity such as this article (only shorter of course), so please like my page
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Death is all at once a scary and fascinating topic. Everybody thinks about it from time to time and everyone usually has a slightly different thought process about it. The Goth kids worship it and paint themselves up in so much black makeup that I'm surprised it's not considered racism.
Terminally ill folks have usually had time to run the gamut of emotions in a relatively short amount of time, beginning with a terror that you and I can only imagine and ending with a calm acceptance. The rest of us usually think about it with a normal amount of humility and fear.
Not me. I am here to address my main concern regarding death, something that nobody else seems to be afraid of but me--my last words.
Your last words uttered on this earthly plane of existence are freakin' important, man! I mean, you want them to be something profound, or badass, or witty, but what if it all goes tits up when the time comes?
I have a few choice phrases at the ready that are tailor made for certain fatal scenarios, but I am terrified that I'll forget them in the throws of, you know, dying.
There's also the horrible thought of messing up the line and saying something inaudible that will get paraphrased poorly by someone.
Oh God....What if there's no one around at the time of your death to here your final words?? What will my tombstone say then?!?!
Let this article serve as my "Last Word Blueprint," that is, a backup plan so that one can use this as a reference guide for what I would have said, or did say but was not heard, in a variety of life-ending scenarios. I highly suggest you write your own Last Word Blueprint as well, lest you get stuck with a headstone that reads, "...Uh..."
Let's get started...
Andy McGuire's Last Word Blueprint
If I die of old age: "I died as I lived, sleeping in late."
If I die in a car wreck: "I was trying to get it up to 88 and go back in time, that's why I built a Flux Capacitor, duh."
If I die in a coke-fueled pornstar orgy: "Don't lie, this is exactly how you want to die."
If I die at sea: "I had no business being at sea."
If I die in outer space: "I have to take this helmet off, it's too stuffy in here."
If I die from an assassins bullet: "I regret nothing, I must have been important for someone to have hired an assassin to kill me. I'm actually honored."
If I die at the hands of cannibalistic killers: "I hope I give you diarrhea you sick bastards!"
If I die in a plane crash: "My seat did act like a flotation device, but that didn't do a goddamn bit of good, did it?"
If I die saving another person's life: "Yes! Instant Heaven access!"
If I die from a dinosaur attack: "Coming to Jurassic Park was clearly not the best idea I've ever had."
If I die from being attacked by gang members, ninjas, or Girl Scouts: "Though I may be dead, I bet I took a lot of them with me!"
That's all I got for now. When my time finally does come, please consult this guide and engrave the appropriate quote on my gravestone and then you will know that I am at peace, because dying doesn't really scare me, hell, I'm excited to (eventually) uncover the truth about it all.
It's a debt that must be paid by us all and simply another element of the great mystery we call life...
But to leave this word without getting a laugh, or sending a chill down people's spines with my badassness?