- Entertainment and Media
The Pretend Print Newspaper
Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
I recently decided to create my own business. First thing I tried to do was create a lawn care business, where people would pay me to stand in their front lawn, and say, “I really care about this lawn…” but I didn’t get many customers, and now I’m broke, because I sunk all of my savings into that idea, buying promotional t-shirts and mugs, so if anybody wants one of those, I still have plenty of them boxed up. Maybe it was a bad idea. Now I have to come up with some other ideas for a business. Here’s my most recent idea, and hopefully, I’ll be rich and famous someday. Or famous and rich, I don’t care. I’m not picky.
The Pretend Print
Do you often find yourself bored? Or do you wish you had something you could carry with you that you could use as an excuse to ignore people? Are you only pretending to read this? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the Pretend Print is perfect for you. The Pretend Print (PP) is a newspaper that you can pretend to read whenever you find yourself in a situation where you must pretend to read something. The PP is entertaining and educational (depending on your imagination), and even FDA approved. How does one use the PP, you might ask? It’s simple. Simply take your Pretend Print newspaper and pretend to read it wherever you want. Use it at a bus stop to avoid those awkward conversations with unsightly people. Simply take out your PP, unfold it, and then pretend to read it. All you have to do is act like you’re holding a real newspaper in front of you. Yes, it’s that easy! No one else will be able to see your PP, but you’ll know it’s there, and that’s all that matters. Don’t wait, order one today! I’ll send you a box containing the Pretend Print, and you can open it, pretend it’s in there, pretend to take it out, and then you can go everywhere and pretend to read it. The Pretend Print newspaper usually sells for one million dollars, but I’m offering it to you for just $19.99. That’s a savings of $999,980.01! If you order right now, I’ll double your order and send you two, that’s right TWO Pretend Print newspapers. Give one to a friend, or keep them both, so you can stop pretending to read one when you get bored and switch to pretending to read the other. But wait, there’s more! If you mention this ad, I’ll not only double your order, I’ll also send you a free t-shirt that says I Heart PP! Wear the I Heart PP shirt while pretending to read your pretend newspaper, so everyone will see how much you enjoy pretending to do so. I’ll also send you a promotional mug. Are you hosting an imaginary tea party? Surprise your guests with their own copy of Pretend Print, and then you can all sip imaginary tea from your PP mugs while pretending to read the pretend newspaper. Have trouble pretending? Don’t worry! I’ll send you a complimentary brochure on How to Pretend You’re Pretending, that way, no one will ever know if you’re pretending, or just pretending that you’re pretending. You don’t even have to know how to read to pretend to read this newspaper. Don’t believe it’s that easy? Just listen to what some of my satisfied customers have to say about my PP!
Jill writes, “I didn’t know what I was missing until I ordered my Pretend Print. Once I had it, I could pretend that I wasn’t missing anything. I can’t wait to tell all my friends that I now have a PP.” Jane gives the Pretend Print FIVE stars!
Jack writes, "Having a PP is awesome. I can take it anywhere I want! It's like having your own printing press, and each day you can pretend that something different has happened in the world. Just today, I read about an alien invasion. It's unclear right now if these aliens are peaceful, but I'll find out in tomorrow's edition. Depending on what mood I'm in, our planet just might be facing a hostile takeover. I can't wait to find out!" Jack gives the Pretend Print five shooting stars, because shooting stars are awesome!
Ben writes, "I overheard my roommate talking about his PP and how great it was, so I had to sample it for myself. I'm glad I did! I never did have a great imagination, but with the free brochure on How to Pretend You're Pretending, I quickly became an expert. I was just elected President! It was all over page one. This never would have happened without the Pretend Print. Thank you, Pretend Print! You rock!" No, Bill! You rock! Congrats on being elected President! Bill gives the Pretend Print 50 stars, because he's proud to be an American!
What do YOU rate the Pretend Print?
Now that's satisfaction guaranteed!
Don’t be the only one without a PP. As far as you know, everyone else around you already has one. Have you ever seen someone standing around, and thought, “I wonder if they have a PP?” Odds are, they do, but everyone knows that owning a PP and simply pretending to have a PP isn’t the same, so order yours today. That way, you too can tell your friends, “Yes, I have a PP, and no, you can’t see it.” Don’t get caught up in PP envy. Simply request your own Pretend Print by going to my pretend online website and clicking on the PP icon, and then follow the pretend instructions. Or write to my pretend headquarters and request your pretend newspaper, and then send me a check in the mail (check cannot be pretend, nor can you just pretend to send it). Here at Pretend Print, I say pretend all you want, but it’s easier to pretend with a PP. *Pretend Print can be used to line a litter box or to swat flies, but results may vary.*