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The Stupidest "Wise" Sayings Known to Man and How to Improve Them

Updated on May 11, 2010

I have recently discovered the joy of launching on maniacal tirades about random subjects that irk me, and today's victim is those wonderful expressions we have inherited from the older generations.  You know, the ones that we clearly never thought about deeply, or we would have realized their stupidity. Thus, I have dedicated a lot of time and effort, and many hours in 'paint,' to ripping them apart for my own personal enjoyment, and to better educate our poor, misguided public that is ignorant of the destruction these foolish sayings wreak on our fragile society every day. *Violin Music* I will smite this evil at its root with my mountain dew fueled... laptop typed hub of JUSTICE.  Without further ado, we shall push all logic aside, as it should be for optimum rant quality, and explain.

We've all encountered this evil in our daily lives... it strikes our young people as they grow, trickling like a vile river from the older generation... Phrases such as "Oh, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink," or "You could kill two birds with one stone." Yes, my concerned citizens, these delightful, misguided pearls of wisdom must be shown for what they truly are. Let us start by revealing the dangers behind 'killing two birds with one stone': ah yes, the idea is that hey, it is difficult to kill two birds with one stone, right? Assuming you are an incredible thrower and the birds are extremely close, you would have to bank the stone off of one to hit the other. You're doing two things at once! We obviously didn't stop to ponder this saying very long. We're not just talking about proximity of birds here, you need to take the size of this stone into consideration.

If you have a well placed boulder and an emu farm, my friend, killing two birds with one stone is quite an easy task. I don't care how logical it is to assume we're dealing with a small stone and two small birds, my brain, due to beautiful, beautiful A.D.D. and the playing of many violent and terrible video games growing up, can think of a myriad of creative ways to kill more than one bird with single stones of all different shapes and sizes relatively easily. Crush a nest with a medium sized rock, there's four or five birds gone before they're even categorized as birds instead of breakfast food. Big deal, you killed two birds with one stone? Roll a boulder into a chicken truck and kill 3,000 birds and a trucker and I'll be impressed. That's how you take care of business, all with one stone.

And then there's that "double-edged sword" saying, which is probably the most vile of all of these seeds within the demon's nest. Someone says "Hey Dave, I bought this new car, but the interest is really catching up to me," and then Dave says "Oh, you buying that car, it's a double-edged sword, so, it's a good thing, and its a bad thing at the same time... it cuts both ways."

Let us analyze:

Again, we didn't think about this enough. New car = Good. Paying the interest on the loan = bad. We relate this to a double-edged sword, which can kill with either side, swing any way and be dangerous and awesome. See, the idea is that it "cuts both ways," meaning the good way and the bad way, so apparently whoever came up with that saying has never seen anyone fight with a sword, because cutting both ways is definitely 100% good, unless you're a nonviolent Buddhist monk, in which case cutting any way with anything is not good. Leaving that example aside, I see no drawbacks to having a double-edged sword, assuming you would like to kick ass with it.  Now a double ended sword...

Now I can see how that could pose a problem. Yea, its a double-ended sword, I get it, if I try to use it one way I'm all poking myself with the other part of it, like when I buy my new car and the interest sucks.  But even then...

I mean, you can learn to do some pretty cool shit with it if you try. Think Darth Maul. So what we arrive at is double-edged sword = good for kicking ass, double-ended sword = kick ass in general. We still have yet to reach our goal of creating a situation that is good and bad at the same time.

Fear not my friends, luckily for us, I have devised a new and improved version of the double-edged sword saying that should be put into use in the English language immediately. Let us consult the diagram:

Let us say you're getting it on and a midget sneaks into the room...

And starts ass raping you while you're not expecting it. See, it is much better from a metaphorical standpoint - you, the innocent citizen, are getting your game on in bed, a good thing, when a midget jumps in and goes to town on you, a bad thing. Besides, when was the last time you were like "Oh man Dave, I just bought this sweet new car, but the interest on the loan is really F*%$in' me!"

And maybe Dave would say, "Oh, so its a double-edged sword," and, now, because you've been educated, you'll say "No no you foolish, foolish little man, it's like the bank is a midget that is f*&%ing me and I don't want him to."

So let's review what we have learned.

Glad to see you're paying attention. Now that we have cleared that up, the next time someone says "Oh its a double-edged sword," you'll say "Naa... its more like you're getting raped by a sneaky midget while you're doing something you enjoy. Say what you mean, oh un-enlightened one." It may be more long, winded and politically incorrect, but it's catchy, metaphorically awesome, and it produces vivid detail.

Moving on. "You're beating a dead horse." You're doing something pointless over and over again, beating a dead horse. Ever hear that one?

Firstly, we are saying that beating a dead horse is pointless, which of course it is unless it may become a zombie horse, in which case I recommend something with a blade, such as a double-edged sword, perhaps, or a chainsaw. So it really shouldn't be 'beating' a dead horse if you have any education regarding how to kill zombies, which is clearly important knowledge that all people should have.

Anyway, back to the point - so we suggest that beating a dead horse has no point, provided it isn't a zombie, which begs the question: So... there is a point to beating a live horse? Oh yes, that must not be pointless because the horse would neigh in pain and flinch and run away, and then you couldn't beat it anymore, and it might bleed on you too, there's definitely a point to beating a live horse, but beating it when its dead? Pointless. Where's the fun in that? ... Maybe you're just a sick f*** that likes to beat horses. Again, let's think about this - There's many, many things that are pointless besides abusing dead animals, such as spinning in circles and saying "Look at me, I'm an apricot," or teaching a rock to read. Why don't we go with that - it's pointless, and it doesn't involve beating dead animals.

Stop trying to teach a rock to read, OK? It's pointless unless you find a really smart rock. And don't bother to point out that I'm OK with midget rapists in my metaphors and not animal abuse, logic has no place in any good tirade. Animal abuse is wrong. Again, unless there's a chance it may become a zombie animal, in which case beating is completely necessary if you would like your brains to remain in your head.

And finally, the infamous "A cricket is a poor man's thermometer," saying. Analysis: Because a poor guy can't afford a thermometer, he uses a cricket to tell how cold it is because they chirp slower as it becomes colder. Really? Rather than make my ears bleed with your idiocy, just tell me you think you're real clever since you know crickets chirp slower when its cold out, because we both know poor people have more important things to do than figure out the exact temperature by how fast a cricket chirps. They know damn well when its cold WITHOUT counting cricket chirps... they're homeless. They live in it.


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