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The Stupidest "Wise" Sayings Known to Man and How to Improve Them

Updated on May 11, 2010

I have recently discovered the joy of launching on maniacal tirades about random subjects that irk me, and today's victim is those wonderful expressions we have inherited from the older generations.  You know, the ones that we clearly never thought about deeply, or we would have realized their stupidity. Thus, I have dedicated a lot of time and effort, and many hours in 'paint,' to ripping them apart for my own personal enjoyment, and to better educate our poor, misguided public that is ignorant of the destruction these foolish sayings wreak on our fragile society every day. *Violin Music* I will smite this evil at its root with my mountain dew fueled... laptop typed hub of JUSTICE.  Without further ado, we shall push all logic aside, as it should be for optimum rant quality, and explain.

We've all encountered this evil in our daily lives... it strikes our young people as they grow, trickling like a vile river from the older generation... Phrases such as "Oh, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink," or "You could kill two birds with one stone." Yes, my concerned citizens, these delightful, misguided pearls of wisdom must be shown for what they truly are. Let us start by revealing the dangers behind 'killing two birds with one stone': ah yes, the idea is that hey, it is difficult to kill two birds with one stone, right? Assuming you are an incredible thrower and the birds are extremely close, you would have to bank the stone off of one to hit the other. You're doing two things at once! We obviously didn't stop to ponder this saying very long. We're not just talking about proximity of birds here, you need to take the size of this stone into consideration.

If you have a well placed boulder and an emu farm, my friend, killing two birds with one stone is quite an easy task. I don't care how logical it is to assume we're dealing with a small stone and two small birds, my brain, due to beautiful, beautiful A.D.D. and the playing of many violent and terrible video games growing up, can think of a myriad of creative ways to kill more than one bird with single stones of all different shapes and sizes relatively easily. Crush a nest with a medium sized rock, there's four or five birds gone before they're even categorized as birds instead of breakfast food. Big deal, you killed two birds with one stone? Roll a boulder into a chicken truck and kill 3,000 birds and a trucker and I'll be impressed. That's how you take care of business, all with one stone.

And then there's that "double-edged sword" saying, which is probably the most vile of all of these seeds within the demon's nest. Someone says "Hey Dave, I bought this new car, but the interest is really catching up to me," and then Dave says "Oh, you buying that car, it's a double-edged sword, so, it's a good thing, and its a bad thing at the same time... it cuts both ways."

Let us analyze:

Again, we didn't think about this enough. New car = Good. Paying the interest on the loan = bad. We relate this to a double-edged sword, which can kill with either side, swing any way and be dangerous and awesome. See, the idea is that it "cuts both ways," meaning the good way and the bad way, so apparently whoever came up with that saying has never seen anyone fight with a sword, because cutting both ways is definitely 100% good, unless you're a nonviolent Buddhist monk, in which case cutting any way with anything is not good. Leaving that example aside, I see no drawbacks to having a double-edged sword, assuming you would like to kick ass with it.  Now a double ended sword...

Now I can see how that could pose a problem. Yea, its a double-ended sword, I get it, if I try to use it one way I'm all poking myself with the other part of it, like when I buy my new car and the interest sucks.  But even then...

I mean, you can learn to do some pretty cool shit with it if you try. Think Darth Maul. So what we arrive at is double-edged sword = good for kicking ass, double-ended sword = kick ass in general. We still have yet to reach our goal of creating a situation that is good and bad at the same time.

Fear not my friends, luckily for us, I have devised a new and improved version of the double-edged sword saying that should be put into use in the English language immediately. Let us consult the diagram:

Let us say you're getting it on and a midget sneaks into the room...

And starts ass raping you while you're not expecting it. See, it is much better from a metaphorical standpoint - you, the innocent citizen, are getting your game on in bed, a good thing, when a midget jumps in and goes to town on you, a bad thing. Besides, when was the last time you were like "Oh man Dave, I just bought this sweet new car, but the interest on the loan is really F*%$in' me!"

And maybe Dave would say, "Oh, so its a double-edged sword," and, now, because you've been educated, you'll say "No no you foolish, foolish little man, it's like the bank is a midget that is f*&%ing me and I don't want him to."

So let's review what we have learned.

Glad to see you're paying attention. Now that we have cleared that up, the next time someone says "Oh its a double-edged sword," you'll say "Naa... its more like you're getting raped by a sneaky midget while you're doing something you enjoy. Say what you mean, oh un-enlightened one." It may be more long, winded and politically incorrect, but it's catchy, metaphorically awesome, and it produces vivid detail.

Moving on. "You're beating a dead horse." You're doing something pointless over and over again, beating a dead horse. Ever hear that one?

Firstly, we are saying that beating a dead horse is pointless, which of course it is unless it may become a zombie horse, in which case I recommend something with a blade, such as a double-edged sword, perhaps, or a chainsaw. So it really shouldn't be 'beating' a dead horse if you have any education regarding how to kill zombies, which is clearly important knowledge that all people should have.

Anyway, back to the point - so we suggest that beating a dead horse has no point, provided it isn't a zombie, which begs the question: So... there is a point to beating a live horse? Oh yes, that must not be pointless because the horse would neigh in pain and flinch and run away, and then you couldn't beat it anymore, and it might bleed on you too, there's definitely a point to beating a live horse, but beating it when its dead? Pointless. Where's the fun in that? ... Maybe you're just a sick f*** that likes to beat horses. Again, let's think about this - There's many, many things that are pointless besides abusing dead animals, such as spinning in circles and saying "Look at me, I'm an apricot," or teaching a rock to read. Why don't we go with that - it's pointless, and it doesn't involve beating dead animals.

Stop trying to teach a rock to read, OK? It's pointless unless you find a really smart rock. And don't bother to point out that I'm OK with midget rapists in my metaphors and not animal abuse, logic has no place in any good tirade. Animal abuse is wrong. Again, unless there's a chance it may become a zombie animal, in which case beating is completely necessary if you would like your brains to remain in your head.

And finally, the infamous "A cricket is a poor man's thermometer," saying. Analysis: Because a poor guy can't afford a thermometer, he uses a cricket to tell how cold it is because they chirp slower as it becomes colder. Really? Rather than make my ears bleed with your idiocy, just tell me you think you're real clever since you know crickets chirp slower when its cold out, because we both know poor people have more important things to do than figure out the exact temperature by how fast a cricket chirps. They know damn well when its cold WITHOUT counting cricket chirps... they're homeless. They live in it.


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    • profile image

      Lorena 2 years ago

      It's a real plsrauee to find someone who can think like that

    • Hedocurus profile image

      Hedocurus 5 years ago from Olive Branch, MS

      SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!!! This was the funniest thing I've read since the Hitchiker's Guide when I was 14 (I'm 40 now). Thank you so much for my riotous laughter. Good to know Carlin has an heir.

    • Xenonlit profile image

      Xenonlit 6 years ago

      You are quite mad! I add "You catch more flies with Honey". I stay away from fly catching people who say that.

    • j.arnold34 profile image

      j.arnold34 6 years ago

      Hmm... Maybe its like how South Park can get away with almost anything because its funny. If I was talking about legitimate ass rape, then, not cool.

      Besides, Midgets... Not as bad. They don't penetrate as much.

    • profile image

      Vic 6 years ago

      Good fight; certainly has his ducks in a row!

    • kephrira profile image

      kephrira 6 years ago from Birmingham

      Very funny indeed.

    • profile image

      Mamede 7 years ago

      I would like to comment, but i can't stop laughing right now.

      Anyway, great job! I really liked it!

    • Dale Nelson profile image

      Dale Nelson 8 years ago from South Africa

      Rolling on the floor man. Do you do functions.Double edged sword my favourite.

    • profile image

      Bill 8 years ago

      Should this be submitted to tosh.o?

      I think yes.

    • profile image

      jamie 8 years ago

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH love this! Seriously, i cant wait to see this in person. hahahaha and the 'two birds with one stone' bit was great... i always said i would just get a really big stone haha, i love your brain

    • j.arnold34 profile image

      j.arnold34 8 years ago

      Oh, and P.S. - it must be a midget in the diagram because:

      1. A proper rant is biased and politically incorrect

      2. If it was just some dude, it'd be way more dependent on sexual preference, whereas nobody wants a sneaky midget jumping in on their action... I mean... come on?

      3. A stick figure midget with a sweet little cowboy hat is way more exciting and visually awesome.

    • j.arnold34 profile image

      j.arnold34 8 years ago

      "Additional rants on stupic human sayings" Coming by request : )

      This time we tackle "Those who can't do, teach," "The early bird gets the worm," "You can lead a horse to water," And "Quitters never win."

      The stick figure drawings have been more challenging, but the anger at the stupidity of the sayings has lost none of its potency. *Smashes something*

    • profile image

      14otra 8 years ago

      Should have warned me not to bite-off more than I could chew before reading this. I spewed food all over! Veerrrry funny. Now who's gonna clean up this mess?

    • Anna Marie Bowman profile image

      Anna Marie Bowman 8 years ago from Florida

      All you need is a "Big Pad" of paper and a stage, my friend!!! True Demitri Martin!!!! I am an instant fan!!!!

    • Zsuzsy Bee profile image

      Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

      Good stuff here. Just what I needed, a good laugh. Thanks for making my day. Keep them coming.

      regards Zsuzsy

    • profile image

      pgrundy 8 years ago

      Awesome. Your kung fu is stronger than my kung fu. [Deep bow in yer direction]

    • scottaye73 profile image

      scottaye73 8 years ago from Michigan, USA

      Well...nicely done man! The drawings are great and definitely help make the piece. You have a great sense of humor, keep 'em coming! ~ Scott

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Geez how disappointing I was waiting to see how you got that f****g horse to drink. Iv'e been trying for years.

      I agree with everyone else very funny indeed and as shades says 'thubs' up ?

    • weblog profile image

      weblog 8 years ago from 1India

      The way you have illustrated is fantastic. Writing is hilarious and witty. Thanks for the nice hub.

      Thumbs up!!!

    • hot dorkage profile image

      hot dorkage 8 years ago from Oregon, USA

      Heh Heh. Wow, you could do the whole book of Proverbs. But one thing I don't get... why does the guy who sneaks in and starts ass raping you while your getting it on with your G/F or whatever have to be a MIDGET?

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

      The rock and the emu farm was just hilarious. Where do you come up with this stuff?

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Very bloody funny! No really very bloody funny, or even funnier than that.

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      The little stick figures definitely have to be in your stand up routine. You're too funny. Thanks for the giggles.

    • Laughing Mom profile image

      Laughing Mom 8 years ago

      I'd love to see the stand-up act! Hilarious!!

    • Azur Moon Wolf profile image

      Azur Moon Wolf 8 years ago

      That was flippin' awesome! I'm a fan! Thanks for the laughs!

    • My Inner Jew profile image

      My Inner Jew 8 years ago

      Haha this is great! Enjoyed the ending with the poor people knowing it is cold i think this would do great as a stand up act! Good luck!

    • My Inner Jew profile image

      My Inner Jew 8 years ago

      Haha this is great! Enjoyed the ending with the poor people knowing it is cold i think this would do great as a stand up act! Good luck!

    • j.arnold34 profile image

      j.arnold34 8 years ago

      Wow thanks guys. This is actually a stand-up routine I wrote down recently - I haven't open-miked it yet, but I sure had fun writing it. I DID do all the little stick figures in paint haha, my inspiration was Demetri Martin, who uses the 'flip board' and sharpie drawings in his stand-up. He was the first to point out that "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" should be "Don't throw stones regardless of your housing situation, unless trapped in a glass house, in which case, if you have a stone, throw it, what are you an idiot?"

      Again... Long and winded, but much better. I still don't even know what that one meant in the first place.

    • Capable Woman profile image

      Capable Woman 8 years ago from Augusta, Georgia

      What about "rule of thumb"? Please tackle that one in your bext addition? Ther'e's just so many ... Thanks for this.

    • Tom Cornett profile image

      Tom Cornett 8 years ago from Ohio

      Thumbs and toes up! This is funny! Thanks! :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Great! And the illustrations were fantastic! I'm a fan!

    • Jewels profile image

      Jewels 8 years ago from Australia

      LOL. More more more. Please. That was clever and fun. Thanks.

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      Wow, fantastic! I'm a fan (-:

    • C.Ferreira profile image

      C.Ferreira 8 years ago from Rutland, VT

      You point out some hilarious insights! I'm definitely a fan. This was great. Thanks for the laugh.

    • Lady Guinevere profile image

      Debra Allen 8 years ago from West By God

      Quite a piece of work here and I laughed so hard! Did you draw all those neat pictures? LOL

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Wasn't it though, Teresa? I'm going to go post a link in forums and get people here. This is way too funny to not get read a ton just because he's new and the hubmob thing is going.

    • Teresa McGurk profile image

      Sheila 8 years ago from The Other Bangor

      I followed Shades here because shades has my kind of humor and sure enough -- hilarious. As in, dangerously funny. Thank you.

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      OMFG, I am laughing so flippin' hard right now. THIS, sir, is genius. Wow, thank you so much for injecting some fun and humor into the current hubmob spam thing. God. This is... the corner of my right eye is dried out from rubbing laughter tears out of them. I seriously have not laughed this hard at anything for a while... not just on here, but like, on "comedy" on Comedy Central. Absolutely fantastic. Keep up the good stuff. Man. Funny. This place needs you. (Thubs up and instant fandom for this one, even if I go read your other two and they turn out sucky... which I'm about to go find out.)