The Vacuum Salesman Incident

Kirby man, the doorbell rang again. Kirby man the voice on the other side of the door chimed. My father looked at my mother and shrugged. He lifted himself off the well worn sofa and ambled over to the door. Go away he shouted. We don’t want to buy nothin. The man on the other side of the door said, nothing to buy, it’s free. My father again looked back at my mother then turned to confront the door again. What’s free my father asked? This here brand new Kirby Cleaning Machine the man said holding up a shiny brand new upright vacuum.

My father peered out the window at the smiling man and the shiny vacuum cleaner. He opened the door a crack and stuck his ample nose into the cool autumn air as if trying to smell if the man was contaminated. Good afternoon sir said the man. If you’ll just let me show you how to use this unbelievable machine it could be yours absolutely free of charge. My father shoved his humongous hand out the door and said, just give it to me and I’ll learn how to use it on my own. Well sir the man said, I only get paid if I show you how to use it and I need the money to send my young son to college. My father opened the door and reluctantly let the salesman in.

This here Kirby will revolutionize the way we clean our homes the man started out as he looked for a wall socket to plug it in. He continued; this machine will not only vacuum it will deodorize the room, and it will wax your floors. Now I’m going to show you something amazing. He took a plastic bag out of his carrying case and opened it. Because your home is so immaculate I’m forced to use my own dirt to demonstrate the cleaning power of this here Kirby vacuum. He proceeded to empty the bag of dirt in the middle of our living room. My mother gasped. Not to worry madam said the man, if this machine doesn’t pick up every speck of dirt I’ll give you this machine free just like I promised.

A week earlier my father had built a make shift waxing machine to wax the brand new linoleum he had put down in our living room. It didn’t go well. The end of the motor fit snuggly onto the top of the large round brush so my father thought, but when he turned the machine on the large round brush flew off the motor and through the living room window and the motor took off on its own reeking havoc against the brand new linoleum cutting a path eight feet long into the living room floor. Undaunted, my father rounded up every last piece of linoleum that was churned up no matter how small and glued them all together, barely noticeable he said.

On this day the salesman didn’t notice and he proceeded to vacuum up the dirt he had emptied on to the floor. It went well for a few seconds then the brand new Kirby Cleaning Machine made a god awful grinding sound. And then a god awful smell emanated from the machine as bits of linoleum and smoke bellowed out from under the vacuum. The salesman uttered that never happened before. And so the salesman probably didn’t get to send his son to college but the story had a happy ending for us. It turned out that the salesman was right; the Kirby Vacuum was free along with the cost of brand new linoleum flooring. Dad, the man, the myth, the legend.