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The Witch Movie Review
How do you write a lengthy review about the most boring movie on the planet? That's the question I'm faced with as I attempt to understand how this film got such high praise from the likes of Rotten Tomatoes. It's not at all scary or even disturbing. It couldn't even reach the unsettling level.
The film starts with a pioneer family's baby's disappearance. One minute, he's enjoying a game of peek-a-boo with his older sister and the next he's gone. After his sister screams and runs around looking for him, the film shows us a scraggly looking naked woman with the baby. This is where I thought the film would get dark and twisted but nothing ever happened. Just a bunch of scenes with no sound and slow moving characters. Sure, there's a couple moments where my hope rose slightly but it was dropped just as suddenly.
All-in-all, this film doesn't even qualify as a historical drama, much less a horror film. Literally nothing worth noting happens and the whole time I'm wondering, "Why was I ever excited to see this?" Times like this are the very examples I use to sway people from trusting Rotten Tomatoes. Use your own judgment. If you like it, great. If you don't like it, that's okay too. Just don't tell me, "Well, Rotten Tomatoes said..." cause I don't care. They've been wrong before and they are for sure wrong this time too. Avoid The Witch and watch something that's not a complete waste of your time.
© 2016 Alec Zander