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These Clichés and a Quarter Will Buy You a Cup of Coffee

Updated on June 3, 2012

Once upon a time, there were some clichés…

“Make hay while the sun shines.” And then you can stick that hay where the sun don’t shine. But this is good advice, unless you’re a vampire farmer, because everyone knows that tractors don’t have headlights. Or do they?

“Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” You shouldn’t be throwing stones in the house, anyway. I’d hate to be in a glass house during a tornado. And it’d take several hours just to close the drapes.

“Such is life, and it’s getting sucher and sucher.” Your grammar sucks. And it’s getting sucker and sucker.

“Actions speak louder than words.” What? I can’t hear you over the sound of my fist hitting your face.

“All’s fair in love and war.” Just remember, don’t go to war with the ones you love, or love the ones you’re at war with. But you are supposed to love your enemy. I’m pretty sure gunslingers said “I love you” to each other before they drew their guns and pumped each other full of lead. People have an odd way of showing love.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Then I guess you should shove an apple up your ass every day to keep the proctologist away, huh?

“Another day, another dollar.” People are always saying this where you work. You should brag about the fact that you’re getting paid much more than them.

“A day late and a dollar short.” That’s what happens when you don’t show up at work. You get screwed out of that dollar. How are you going to make rent? There’s only 30 days left in the month, and you need that $30 to pay your $500 rent. Oh, you’re already getting screwed. Get a better paying job, for crying out loud.

“As beautiful as the day is long.” Some people are only beautiful for 12 hours. And then they turn into werewolves and that’s not pretty, at all.

“As useful as tits on a bull.” Hey, I’ve got nothing against tits. I wouldn’t mind owning a bull with tits. I wouldn’t be grabbing him by the horns, I’ll tell you that much.

“Ass over tea kettle.” Wow. That is seriously not the way to make tea. Unless you want it to taste like crap.

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Not possible. Life would have to give you those packets that you mix with water, and then you could make lemonade. Until then, you’re just stuck with lemon juice and no one wants to drink that.

“A bald-faced liar.” I’m sorry. I can’t focus on the lie you’re telling me, because you don’t have any eyebrows. Liar, liar, pants on fire. Soon to be a bald-assed liar.

“Better late than never.” That’s exactly what I tell my boss every time I’m late to work. Hey, if I was on time even once, they’d expect me to be on time every single day. Give them an inch and they take a mile.

“Blowing smoke up my ass.” What can I say? I like having a cigarette after sex and I don’t want the room to smell like cigarette smoke. Geez, take one for the team.

“Caught with your hand in the cookie jar.” Unless you’re Jeffrey Dahmer. He got caught with your hand in a mayonnaise jar. And your head in the fridge.

“Colder than a well-digger’s ass.” I always grab a well-digger’s ass and compare it to the temperature of the weather. Who doesn’t?

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” I usually feed myself, so this is good advice. Wouldn’t want to be eating a hotdog and suddenly discover one of my fingers are missing. That’s like self-cannibalism. Of course, this cliché doesn’t make sense to cannibals, because it is the hand that is feeding them, and they have to bite it.

“Do as I say, not as I do.” Okay. But don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. And do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Or do what it takes, I don’t care. Stop telling me what to do.

“The early bird catches the worm.” That’s why all the smart worms sleep in.

“For Pete’s sake.” I say this from time to time, and I don’t even know a Pete. But what happens to him is very important to me, for some reason.

“Butterflies in my stomach.” That’s what happens when I don’t chew these caterpillars and just woof them down.

“A frog in my throat.” And that’s how you get rid of the butterflies in your stomach. Swallow a frog. But then, of course, you’ve got a frog in your stomach. So next you have to swallow a snake.

“Full of himself.” I think that’s true about mostly everyone. Unless they’re a cannibal.

“A gut check.” Got to rummage through those intestines to make sure they’re full of themselves. Wouldn’t want to jump to conclusions.

“I hate his guts.” No, I don’t hate him. I hate his guts. It’s different. They’re icky and slimy and I just don’t like them. I just did a gut check on him and I didn’t like what I found.

“He has egg on his face.” If you don’t own any plates, the only alternative is to eat your eggs off of someone else’s face.

“He’s toast.” Is he really? Does he also have egg on his face? Hey, fry up some bacon real quick and we’ve got us a nice breakfast. Is he French, by any chance? I love French toast.

“Memory like an elephant.” I guess it’s true that elephants have good memories. For elephants. Not sure that’s a compliment to a person. I guess that person’s memory would be “I like to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat,” in which case, that’d be like calling that person fat, but in a nice way. Better to hear you’ve got an elephant’s memory than an elephant’s ass.

“Lightning never strikes the same place twice.” Because it has a memory like an elephant, and it knows when it’s already struck a certain spot. Lightning’s like, “Uh-uh, can’t strike there. Struck there 600 years ago. Can’t do it again.” If that’s the case, then eventually there won’t be any more lightning strikes, because it won’t have any place left to strike on earth. And at that point it will stick to striking just people.

“The more we learn, the less we know.” Unless you’re an elephant. They have great memories.

“That’s nothing to sneeze at.” I always go around sneezing at things I don’t like. I sneeze whenever someone cuts me off in traffic. I’m like, “Hey! Achoo!” And then I have to go to confession and tell the priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sneezed.” And then he’s like, “God bless you.” Cats are something to sneeze at if you’re allergic to them.

“Pay through the nose.” That always annoys the cashier when I insist on blowing my nose into their hand, when all they want is money.

“Put your money where your mouth is.” Yes, unless that money was paid through the nose. Then you’re just eating boogers.

“Don’t reinvent the wheel.” But if you do, make a wheel that’s rounder, and that’d be like building a better mousetrap. I don’t think the wheels we have today are round enough.

“Show some backbone.” That’s what the Predator always says before he rips someone’s spine out as a trophy.

“Stretch a dollar.” I always stretch my dollars. It’s funny watching the cashier’s expression when I hand them a dollar that’s two feet long.

“Sweeten the pot.” Ooh! Pot brownies!

“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” I guess that’s why people kill themselves. They want to be superhuman. I don’t know if reincarnation is real, but when I die, I want to come back as a zombie.

“The best things in life are free.” Is that why Lamborghinis are so expensive? Because they suck?

“Time heals all wounds.” Which is exactly why you spend so much time in the waiting room when you go to see the doctor. They’re hoping you’ll be there long enough to heal up on your own.

“Until the cows come home.” I could eat hamburgers till the cows come home. And then the cows would be like, “What are you doing?” And I’d be like, “Uh…”

“Wake up on the wrong side of the bed.” I hate doing that. I’m like, “Oh, for Pete’s sake! I rolled over during the night. Now I have to walk all the way around the bed to put on my slippers. What a crappy way to start my day.” Either that, or I start to panic, and think, “Oh my God, where the hell am I? This isn’t where I fell asleep…”

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” But you can hold its head underwater and make it drown. That’ll teach the horse not to drink when it’d told. And then you can beat a dead horse. And put the cart in front of the horse. And any other horse cliché you want to use. And then you can be like, “My kingdom for a horse!” after you start to regret your hasty decision to drown it. And then that horse can ride off into the sunset and go to heaven where it’ll graze on greener pastures, and drink whenever the hell it feels like it. Which is what unicorns are, horse angels.

And all these clichés lived happily ever after. The end.

The road to happiness.
The road to happiness.

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