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Things You Won't Watch On ESPN

Updated on December 18, 2012

I'm having this momentary brilliant thought, a scintillation on the cerebral hemisphere that will be gone in a flash, like lightning across the dark sky. I'm struggling to write it all down before my mind goes instantly, irreversibly blank. My literary juices are flowing... I'm gripped with the feel that this could be my big break! My hearts pounding. This story has got it, all the elements; the plot, the characters, witty dialogue... Yes, I am in the zone! Nothing can stop me now...

"Honey, the commode won't flush!"

Sigh! I bet Hemingway never heard that one!


On a lazy Saturday afternoon, I'm fading out of consciousness with the TV blaring unintelligibly in the background. One eye slowly opens, then begins to fall shut... I'm not sure what's on, I think it's some kind of a sports show. Looks boring. Ugh! They've got commentators. I hate commentators! I guess they'll put any kind of mind-rot on TV as long as we keep watching it.

A commentator intones in the background... "The crowd is hushed. There's total silence in the stadium as he approaches the keyboard. Look at that perfect stance. I think he's about to sit now. Yes!"

Commentator #2: "Congratulations Brian, for that incredibly brilliant analyses. Yes! There's certainly a palpable tension in the air. I tell you, it's electric! He's typing away furiously now. What great form! Wait! He's paused... he appears to be thinking."

Commentator #1: "That's certainly an odd expression on his face... he must be having a brilliant idea!"

Commentator #2: "...or he could just be constipated? Should we applaud or toss him a bottle of Kaopectate?"

Commentator #1: "This is defintely a higher level of competition that we've ever seen before on this network. I'm speechless!"

Commentator #2: "Brian, We can only hope so!"

Suddenly a man bolts from the crowd, darting onto the field. The crowd gasps out loud in unison. Before anyone can react, the stranger whacks our player with a slush-pile of unsolicited manuscripts!

Commentator #1: "Bob, we just witnessed a brutal display of unsportsmanlike conduct, one that has numbed the entire crowd! The ref just blew the whistle, looks like they're gonna' call him for unnecessary roughness."

Commentator #2: "Let's go live with our on-the-field reporter as she tries to find out what just happened. We're now joining Blogga Lott on the field for her timely analyses. Blogga, what say you?"

Blogga: "I can't verify yet but my sources indicate this was no random stranger but rather a publisher. My gut tells me those must have been ...unsolicited manuscripts! Of course, this lack of hard evidence in no way impugns my journalistic integrity as I arbitrarily just make stuff up. Back to you, Brian."

Commentator #1: "Thank you, Blogga. However, I'm not really sure for what. Ok, the ref is signalling for an instant replay, they're reviewing the tape. No! it's going to be illegal contact against the writer!"

The crowd gasps!

Commentator #2: "Ohhhh! He's grimmacing in pain. It must be a bad case of writer's block. They're bringing the staff psychologist onto the field now. This could be it for him tonight (pause for dramatic effect) ...out with a severe case of brain strain."

Commentator #1: "What a shame! That could be career-ending!"

Click, click, click. Thousands of remotes simultaneously changed channels tuning in for re-runs of Celebrity Rehab! The Neilson ratings for Full-contact Writers is still plummeting!

...and that is why writing will probably never be a spectator sport!


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    • profile image

      Ade 2 years ago

      seems to me that people know a days just want to start some trbluoe to make us blacks turn against eachother thats all it is. they trying to get us to hate ourselves. they want the dark skinned to feel bad about their skin color and they want light skinned to feel ashame for being mixed or just having a skin color that just lighter.i'm dark skinned and i haven't sensed anything strange about being who i am.

    • jimagain profile image

      jimagain 2 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Thanks. And now you know why ESPN never picked up 'Full-contact Writer's' on its network

    • profile image

      Nevaeh 2 years ago

      Yeah, that's the tictek, sir or ma'am