Things to Do on a Submarine

There are a lot of things you can do on a submarine. However, space is limited. Scientists say that space is infinite, but it really isn’t. They obviously haven’t been on a submarine. So what can you do on a submarine? There are a lot of activities you can do, but since the top of a submarine is narrow, slippery, and surrounded by water, you have to take these things into consideration. Here is one example of something you can do on a submarine.

This could be a person or even a dog. Maybe even a robot, if you happen to know one and it understands the rules of the game. Playing catch on top of a submarine requires a little skill, mainly in the catching part of the game, but also in the aiming department. For instance, you don’t want to throw the ball too high, or it’ll go over your buddy’s head and the ball will be lost at sea. Balls may seem harmless, but they pose as a choking hazard for marine animals. If you’re playing catch with a dog, then the dog will jump overboard and go get the ball, but this puts the dog in danger of being eaten by marine animals. If you insist on playing catch, attach some string to the ball, so that you can retrieve it safely from the water. Also attach a rope or something to the dog, so that you can retrieve it, as well. But always remember to secure your balls when you’re out at sea. Otherwise, some shark is going to eat them. Ask anyone, even scientists, and they will all agree. Sharks eating your balls is a bad thing.

Besides playing catch, here is a short list of other things you can do on a submarine.

• Get a tan. Impress everyone at home with your bronzed skin.
• Do some fishing. Impress everyone at home with that stuffed swordfish.
• Get mussels. Impress everyone at home with your mussels. Women dig a guy with mussels. Wear a mussel shirt to show off your mussels.
• Catch crabs. Impress everyone at home with your crabs. Women dig a guy with crabs. Don’t be selfish, be shellfish and share your crabs.

There are a lot more things to do while actually inside a submarine. But first, you have to know how to get inside the submarine. There is a hatch on top that you have to open, and then there is a ladder. Here are the basic instructions for climbing down a ladder.

1. Turn around. You can’t climb down a ladder while facing away from it. You could, but that’s dangerous. Only climb down a ladder backwards if your legs bend in both directions.
2. Place your first foot on one of the rungs. Which rung? The one closest to the top of the ladder. Don’t place your foot on the bottom rung, unless you have really long legs.
3. Place your second foot on the rung under that. Repeat these instructions until you’ve reached the bottom of the ladder.

If you’re not sure which is your first foot and which is your second, then try this little exercise to determine the correct sequence of your feet

• Using the fingers of your right hand, pinch your nostrils shut. Now with your left hand, reach behind your back and touch the elbow of your right arm. Now keep pinching your nostrils and touching your elbow, and try to stand on only one leg. If you have better balance on your left leg, then your left foot is the first foot. If you have better balance on your right leg, then your right foot is your first foot. If you have no balance at all, then you will probably fall over. Having no balance means you were born without the luxury of having a first foot. Both of your feet are a second foot. If this is the case, then you shouldn’t be climbing down ladders.

Now that you can successfully enter a submarine, feel free to do so. There are many activities to do once you’re onboard. Most submarines aren’t made of wood, so you won’t actually be onboard, you’ll be on metal or some other metallic substance. If you don’t like heavy metal, then you probably won’t like submarines. Here are some things you can do while onmetal or onsteel in a submarine.

If there isn’t a microwave available on the submarine, then look for a radiation sign. This will let you know where the nuclear reactor is located. Put some kernels in the nuclear reactor and wait 10-15 seconds. The radiation will pop the kernels and give you popcorn. The popcorn will be enormous, about the size of your head.

If there’s a TV on the submarine, then watching a movie is a good way to pass the time. You can eat your nuclear popcorn while you watch your movie. Some good titles to enjoy while on a submarine are:

• K-19: The Widowmaker (It’ll make you a little more cautious around the nuclear reactor.)
• U-571 (It’ll make you a little more cautious around your German prisoners.)
• Das Boot (It’ll make you want to watch Poseidon, because it’s from the same director.)
• Hunt for Red October (It’ll make you speak in a Sean Connery accent.)
• Crimson Tide (It’ll make you want to carry a gun while on a submarine.)
• Titanic (It’ll make you glad you’re not on an actual boat.)
• Jaws (It’ll make you glad you have steel between you and the water.)
• The Edge (It’ll make you glad there aren’t any bears on the submarine.)
• Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (It’ll make you fall asleep.)
• Rocky (It’ll make you stand up and cheer.)
• Bring It On (It’ll make you want to be a cheerleader.)
• 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (It’ll make you want to get the hell off the submarine. Damn giant squid.)

All submarines sink. That's normal and to be expected. It’s easy to climb onboard a submarine, but it’s even easier to get bored on a submarine. It’s like being on a school bus that’s been buried. You can’t go outside. You can’t open the window. All you have is your mates and your imagination. Maybe you’re imagining your mates. That would be understandable, because being trapped inside a steel tube is bound to get on anyone’s nerves, and it might make them a little nuts. Even if you do get bored, don’t suggest a sing-a-long. After singing Yellow Submarine for the fifth time in a row, one of your mates is going to run and grab an ax that’s hanging on the wall for emergencies. He’ll either chop off your head with it, or he’ll attempt to make a hole in the steel wall of the submarine, thus drowning all of you and stopping the madness. Singing Yellow Submarine while stuck on a submarine gets as annoying as singing “The wheels on the bus go round and round” while on a school bus full of grownups. It’s guaranteed that someone’s going to slam your head into the window. So be careful what you sing or say while on a submarine. Make sure your behavior is acceptable. Don’t scream, or shout, or run down the halls, waving your arms in panic. That kind of behavior will get you stuck inside a torpedo tube and shot out into the ocean. If you can’t handle the pressure of being stuck underwater, then you need to stay on the shore. Otherwise, the other seamen will tie you up and stick you in a closet somewhere. You have to learn how to live with the crew. If you can’t handle the seamen, then get off the submarine. Everything on a submarine has to be substandard. And put in _subscript. But if you can remember how to submit yourself to a submerged situation and treat your superiors and subordinates with respect, and any other subspecies that may be onboard, then your stay on the submarine will be sublime and maybe even substantially rewarding. So if you want to get away from the suburbs and embark on a journey under the sea, a submarine’s the way to go.