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Tip For Solicitors: Know What You Are Selling Before You Try To Sell It!!!

Updated on April 30, 2010

Today some guy walked into my job, which is conviently located in the heart of town...convenient for him that is. To annoy me that is.

I wish I could tell you why he stopped in, but honestly I don't even think he knew why he stopped in.

I do know one thing though, and this is that he was trying to sell me something, but by the way he presented his 'stuff'it led me to believe that he didn't have a fuckin clue what he was trying to sell either.

He wouldn't be the first idiot solicitor who has walked into this office, baffled by why they ever walked in to begin with. I doubt he will be the last either.

You see I don't mind the occasional solicitor. Hell, some of them are even good enough at presenting their business to me so well that I even raise an interested eyebrow. Sometimes I even reach into my pockets and buy up what they are offering.

This one poor fella though, he was nervous, began sweating, and he promoted his business by handing me 20 different business cards of other businesses who used his business... or something like that.

I thought at first he was a business card maker. So I asked.

It turned out he was marketing something, but I'm not sure what. Something about the Internet. I was confused, he was confused. Everybody was confused.

Rule # 1; Know What You Are Selling.... Yah Idiot!

I thought perhaps it was me that made him fumble. Perhaps he was lost in the headlights... as he would not stop staring at my errherrmm.... boobs. Or perhaps he was was mildly handicap, or maybe he just had a social disorder?

So Rule # 2...Do Not Flirt With a Potential Client... Do Not Look At a Females Titties... Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200!!!

He kept rambling on about the Internet, but none of it made sense. He however stood there presenting God knows what for a good half hour. Stumbling over word, trying to mask his confusion with a large smile, and off topic conversations on the weather.

Rule # 3... Stick To Your Plan. Do Not Go Off Topic, Do Not Get Personal

In order to get him out of my presence I had to pretend I needed to go to the bathroom. I felt sorry for him, but I was not about to stick around watching him dig deeper into his confused marketing tactics- I could tell by his body language that he was going to ask me out on a date or something at any given moment.

You see he fucked up the moment he walked into my office.

He went to shake my hand.

See there are rules for hand shaking in my opinion. You don't go in for a shake unless you have met the person at least twice. Test the waters before just shoving your cum collected hand into mine.

Rule # 4....Keep Your Filthy Paws off Of Mine, You Goddamn Bacteria

One fuck up followed by another is basically burying yourself after you've already dug a 6 foot hole.

This guy broke rule after rule.

After shaking my hand, he then introduced himself to the floor.

Eye contact is very important when trying to get me to shell over any interest, or cash.

Rule # 5 ... Make Eye Contact, But Don't Stare Deep Into My Soul You Creep.

After introducing himself to the floor, he then began to mumble so low that I could not understand him.

I actually had to say: 'sorry, I missed that'.

He repeated it in the same mumbled manner. Obviously he was muttering on purpose. He didn't know what he was selling!

Rule # 6, Use A Normal Tone of Voice, Do Not Mumble, or Get Overly Excited Like a Clown

Now I knew his type. I felt sorry for them in general. They are usually hired by some rich company to go out on the streets and solicit to local business'. If they get new sign ups/contracts they get commission.

Mostly people like this know what they are selling. However you have a few that walk around aimlessly, confused by what they are doing, and did not study their product before coming in for a sale.

Apparently this guy was one of them. Lost, confused.

Rule # 7... Know Your Product and Be Prepared to Answer Questions

Now normally when a confused solicitor comes in they plop me some pamphlets, a few business cards, say thank you, and they walk out.

These folks are confused, but they think they were quick enough to escape without me noticing. I notice the moment they walk in.

Rule # 8... Do Not Leave Me With 100 Fliers To Hand Out to Others. I'm Not Your Employee. Unless You Want to Add Me To Payroll.

A good solicitor does not plop his shit on someones desk and make a run for it, that's for sure. A good solicitor does not set up a fucking presentation on a potential clients desk either.

I had one last week actually come in that was over prepared. Now her enthusiasm was great, but she was just overly enthusiastic. Pushing even.

She asked if it was okay for her to do a quick presentation. I politely told her I was busy (which I genuinely was), if she wanted to leave business cards, and a brochure, we would contact her if we needed her services.

Instead of just being polite and leaving me with contact information.

She pushed it.

'It will only take 3 minutes, I promise!'

Rule # 9.... If I Tell You I Am Busy.... Fuck Off.

(I get it, you're motivated. However do respect the potential clients business. Do not push yourself on to someone when they clearly let you know they were busy!)

Before I even got the chance to tell her No Thank-You, she began to set up this ridiculously large chart on my desk. The fucking chart even had it's own stand!!!

She then slams a file with before and after photos onto my desk, and goes on with this long speech about how re-arranging furniture for best possible photos is a service we need.

Rule # 10... Do Not Touch A Potential Clients Desk. Do Not Plop Down Your Folders, Do Not Rest Your Hand On it. Do Not Touch It! It's an invasion of personal space. Do Not Get Too Close.

A good solicitor comes in, leaves you with a brochure, and a quick fast polite introduction as to who they are, what they do, and how it will benefit us to work together.

Nothing more, nothing less.

After this introduction, the solicitor may walk in weekly with the same information. They may come off as a bit annoying with their weekly visits, but by dropping by weekly, or bi-weekly the person is making their face known. After a few visits sometimes a more personal relationship is established.

After about 5 or 6 weekly visits, the solicitor knows the client. The client knows the solicitor by name/face.

This one guy we have worked with this past year is likely working with us only because he came in weekly, and would come in with a cup of coffee for as many people who were in the office that day. He would do a head count, and arrive with coffee every 2 weeks.

Rule # 11.... Make Your Face Known, But Be Sure To Come In At An Appropriate Time. Not a Lunch Hour, When People May Be Eating, or Enjoying Their Break. No One Wants to Be Bothered While EATING!

Although it was a bribe, coffee is always an awesome gesture. ONLY do this when you have established a comfortable relationship with the client, otherwise they'll think you're creepy.

The reason for this whole article is because about a week ago I had one of the most ridiculous solicitors come into my office. He was so ridiculous, that I was about the punch him in the face for his disrespectful nature.

1. He comes into my office out of breath. He looks homeless, or possibly cracked out. His hair is greasy!

-Nasty

2. He holds his filthy hand out for me to shake it, without first telling me who he is. You don't just flop your filthy hand out like that, without letting me know why you are here. You don't go in for a shake period.

His fingernails are black, and after shaking my hand, he then wipes his runny nose, which means that he has been wiping his nose with that hand all day long.

-Seriously, get the fuck out of here you pig.

3. He knows the owner of the company. So he claims. They all claim this. He must have done his homework. I knew though, he didn't know who the owner was, he could not pronounce his name properly.

-Don't act like you know people, when you don't. If you did, you wouldn't have to come here begging for sales. He still however has yet to tell me his business, or why he is here, the name of his business, or his name.

4. He flops a folder on to my desk, and begins trying to talk to me about garbage removal. He is getting frantic though, going on and on and on about his services. He has charts, graphs, and a sheet of discount coupons for us, and to give out to our clients.

5. Then he goes and makes the biggest mistake I have ever seen a solicitor do. He has the nerve to ask me to use my copying machine to make 20 copies of his fliers to hand out to my other employees.

-Seriously dude... get the fuck out of here. I have real work to do. I told him I would not, and that he should have come prepared.

6. He goes on again to tell me he knows my boss, and that he has been waiting for him to come with these fliers.

-Petty threats? Really? Go ahead, tell my boss I would not let you use out office copier, and our ink, because you did not come prepared. He will punch you in the face for me.

7. After being denied access to our office machine, he then goes to quickly shove the flier onto my desk. While doing so, he knocks down an entire Arizona Iced Tea. The big giant cans... that by the way... I had just opened. It poured onto my desk, onto my computer, onto my keyboard, on to the floor, and on to my fucking lap.

I run to the bathroom to grab paper towels, to start cleaning the computer tower. I could care less about my clothes at this point. I didn't need a $5,000 machine to fry.

I frantically wipe the tea away from the desk, and the machine, and let it pour to the floor... it was a huge gush of tea.

The idiot solicitor then goes...

"I cant believe you just pushed that onto the floor"

I ask him if he is serious. The floor is the least of my worries. If this computer died, it would cost a fuck of a lot more than a floor cleaning would.

While I am cleaning... he then adds "what is that?" and touches the liquid as if it were some foreign substance from another planet. No I'm sorry, for being so fucking stupid... nothing.

"That was my lunch... yes... WAS my lunch." I snap.

He stands there, as I am cleaning up his mess, and continues to try and push his services.

I looked at him and told him to get the fuck out of my office. He's lucky I did not just attack him.

He is clearly brain dead, because even after telling him to get the fuck out, he walks slowly to the door, and tells me to make sure I tell the owner about him.

Moron. As if I wouldn't. Glad he left his card though, so I could make a note to NOT do any business at all - ever, with this idiot.

Now I do not think anyone could solicit in a more retarded manner as this clown. He takes the cake.

He was about to die!
He was about to die!

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