Tom Cruise Is Totally Normal (The Oprah Interview)

I have the misfortune to be watching 'Oprah', (ironically, as a child I aspired to one day appear on Oprah and practically worshiped her.) It's the interview where Tom Cruise tries to right the media wrongs of the past half decade, beginning with his couch leaping antics and including calling Brooke Sheilds out for taking anti depressants. Apparently when you're a Scientologist, post natal depression is nothing that can't be cured with spa treatments, electroshock therapy and a short bob haircut.

Now watching Oprah wander around Tom Cruise's mountain retreat home and squeal about how normal their house sized kitchen is and how insanely, transcendentally unbelievably beautiful the countryside is, I wonder if I spent my childhood with my brain lobotomized.

Katie made a demure, yet friendly appearance at the beginning of the interview, then popped off to take the kids into town. I'm not sure where this house is located, but there is definitely something Stepford about the location.

Now Tom is explaining how he put on socks and waxed the floor to create that epic scene where he danced in his shirt, shorts and socks in his living room. Don't remember it? Where have you been? Google the YouTubes to find it, or follow this link.

Tom and Oprah sit down for what she calls “a real conversation”, I don't know what real conversation is conducted with a camera crew present, but I suppose in Oprah's world the rules are 'footage or it didn't happen.'

“It was a moment, it was real,” Tom says of his couch jumping moment. “I just felt that way... that's just how it felt.”

“You were egging me on!” he accuses Oprah.

“I'm the guy... I dance in my underwear,” Tom explains further.

This is scintillating stuff. Now they've moved on to explain how Tom is just here to help, as a Scientologist. Tom advocates that people read about Scientology, but insists that he does not convert anyone.

“Do you believe in God?” Oprah asks.

“I believe in God” Tom says, further hedging his bets.

I walk a fine line watching this interview. On one hand, one feels like an ass for judging him. He's just a guy with a set of way out irrational beliefs like so many other guys out there. Yet he has invited this attention, this coverage, so the bets are therefore off.

Oprah points out that Tom and Katie have been hunted by the paparazzi for a long time. Tom blames the Internet for an increase in paparazzi activity. Oprah and Tom lament the spin that the media puts on what are their obviously quite normal lives. My brain starts to melt as Tom whines on about his lack of privacy. On television.

Then we get to the nitty gritty - is Suri Tom's child? Tom becomes momentarily incensed in a quiet, mild sort of way then things quickly get boring again as Tom discusses their decision to have Annie Lebowitz photograph their daughter for the major tabloids. (I just realized that he never actually confirmed or denied Suri's parentage. Sneaky sidestep, or not worthy of a direct answer? We may never know.)

At this point it becomes painfully evident that this interview is about as real as canned cheese. Give me crazy, couch jumping Tom any day. Give me real passion, real emotion, anything other than this slick snakeskin interview which goes on and on without saying anything except for the fact that Tom Cruise is a totally normal multi millionaire who believes that most people are inhabited by evil spirits.

Tom's normal, mmmkay?