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Top 5 Worst Species in Which to Be a Guy: an absolutely scientific (or not) look at sex in the animal world.

Updated on October 14, 2008

As we all know, romance and sex are complicated things for all species. Elaborate rituals and intricate behavioral patterns complicate the path to reproduction for literally every species on earth. For many species, pre-coital behavior is effort enough and they invest no further energy in reproductive relationships once the sexual act is done. For other species reproductive paring, pair bonding, is for life (which takes on many forms). Regardless of what strategy any given species has evolved, clearly each unique reproductive method has proven effective enough over time to ensure thriving varieties of life on this amazing, living world called Earth.

In the wake of another highly-academic article written by me on bees, which focused on the apparent difficulties suffered by the typical female of that species, it is the purpose of this article to examine five reproductive strategies in nature which seem, contrary to the bee experience, to instead put the males of each of the following species at considerably less advantage. In fact, in these five cases, it would be safe to call the male circumstance, misery.

1) Praying Mantis

Ok, now here is an example of one seriously miserable bastard trapped in the natural world. The male praying mantis has it, by far, worse than any other creature on earth. You need only to watch the following video and see how poorly the female mantis treats this poor son of a b!^@% to understand. I mean, this dude can make love for hours, and yet check out how much respect he gets. Zip. Just watch.

Seriously, you need to watch this before you go on. (I know how you people skip videos all the time, so don't... and watch it all, dammit)

You see. Wasn't that just sad?

That dude is so devoted to her. It's like, he's all up there still trying to satisfy his woman even AFTER SHE BITES OFF HIS HEAD. I'm speechless.

Let's move on.

Baby's got back, but...

... could use some treadmill time.
... could use some treadmill time.

Very shapely, eh?

Clearly a better choice, but noooo.
Clearly a better choice, but noooo.

2) Black Widow

Ok, the black widow is named thusly because, frankly, she brings that label on herself. I mean, everyone knows these spiders eat their poor husbands after mating, so, I don't reckon this entry on the list will come as much of a shock. To be honest with you, the fact that they are called "black widows" should really be a sign for the males to, you know, maybe start hitting on some other spider chicks instead. I mean, have you seen the ass on a wolf spider before? Seriously, those are hawt spiders, and they never kill their man. Frankly, in my highly scientific opinion, male BW (black widow) spiders are pretty much total morons, and deserve what they get for being so horny they can't figure out what's going on. None the less, nature made them so, so we must accept them for what they are. But they are dumb.

Regardless of this inherent stupidity, their misery is real, which I can prove scientifically.

Evidence from the Field:

Here's a transcript of an actual event recorded with a secret microphone placed in a local black widow singles' bar discovered behind my neighbor's shed:

Male BW1: Dude, you seen Fred lately?

Male BW2: No, not since he took Sheila home two nights ago.

Male BW1: Think she ate him?

Male BW2: Probably, I seen Fred at the condom machine in the bathroom before they left.

Male BW1: Yeah, he's dead then.

Male BW2: Yep

Male BW1: Oh look, speak of the devil.

.... Black Widow Bar ....

Actual footage taken at my neighbor's shed
Actual footage taken at my neighbor's shed

Sheila: Hi, boys.

Male BW1: Hi, Sheila

Male BW2: Hi, Sheila

(Sheila yawns and stretches languidly, the bright red hourglass glistening on her shiny exoskeletal chest in the dim lights of the spider bar)

Sheila: Gosh, I'm so thirsty.

Male BW1: Can I buy you a drink?

Male BW2: No, no, let ME buy you a drink.

...

I don't think we need to follow this to its inevitable conclusion; suffice it to say that if anyone would like to send a condolence card or flowers to Male BW2's mother, address it to:

Male BW2 Memorial Fund
PO Box 1000
Sacramento, CA 95123 

Credit: www.sxc.hu/index.phtml  Copyright: Free Use
Credit: www.sxc.hu/index.phtml Copyright: Free Use

3) Scorpion

The only reason scorpion males don't appear on the list higher than black widow males is because of how brutally the black widow males are manipulated psychologically. Unlike black widow males, scorpion males don't know it's coming, much like praying mantis males; their females aren't named so obviously. The main reason scorpion males are ranked number three is because, well, their deaths are kinda boring after the first two. With scorpion couples it's pretty much by the book: they meet, they buy drinks, they go home, they do it, she stabs them to death. Rinse and repeat. Pretty cut and dry, really. The scorpion police force doesn't even investigate the murders anymore. They pretty much just threw up their hands and said, "F-it" several millennia ago. The real issue for scorpion detectives is determining whether or not there's a cult of homicidal scorpion nympho-chicks or just one seriously hardcore serial killer. Regardless, it sucks to be a scorpion male.

Typical Sea Horse
Typical Sea Horse

4) Sea Horse

Ok, after those first three, the male Sea Horse doesn't have it that bad. I mean, at least they get to live after having sex. But, at what cost? The male sea horse is the most beat down of all creatures on earth. While not beat to death like the three species above, the male sea horse's life is one subject to the most incessant and merciless nagging in the entire animal kingdom. (Hah, "kingdom" my ass. The irony is almost too enormous to endure for these poor animals.)

In they went...

(Illustration courtesy of my awesome artist daughter, Lauren.)
(Illustration courtesy of my awesome artist daughter, Lauren.)

Scientists discovered that sea horses evolved from a species of land horses some 700,000 years ago. Apparently a herd of horses ran off a cliff and fell into the water. Most of them drowned, but a few of the smaller, more buoyant ones survived. They paddled around eating the kelp floating on the surface etc. for many years until eventually mutation and the rest of Darwin's cool stuff happened and we get the sea horse species of today.

Witness the origins of the term "old nag."

Also by Lauren.
Also by Lauren.

A man with stretch marks is just wrong

(stretch marks may have been added to original photo)
(stretch marks may have been added to original photo)

The only thing that never changed was how pissed off the females were about the whole thing. You see, it was a male horse (illusrated in black) that was leading the original herd when they went over the cliff and females in the herd just couldn't let it go. Apparently, the herd had been running around for days and the lead stallion would absolutely not stop at a gas station and ask for directions, which ultimately resulted in them going over the cliff.

Modern day sea horse females still won't let that issue drop. In fact, over the course of the 700,000 years, sea horse females got so good at brow beating their men that they eventually were even able to make the poor bastards submit to carrying the children during pregnancy. How hard do you have to nag for that to happen? Which is why today, you will see that all sea horse women pass off the eggs the first moment they can and let their man bloat up and get all stretch marks everywhere while they hang out with the other sea horse women and watch Oprah on T.V.

Me... semi-typical human male.  (Notice head not attached to body)
Me... semi-typical human male. (Notice head not attached to body)

5) Human

The males of this last species suffer a bit of everything listed above. It was tempting to put this species up at number two, after only the praying mantis males, but, since they don't have any of the above conditions to the severity of the rest, human males ended up at number five.

Human similarities to Praying Mantis:

The simple truth is, human males put up with everything the first four species do, just not with any of the same consistency. I know I for one have had my head bitten off at least five hundred times during the course of my marriage, so obviously it's true.

... I know what you're saying, "Hey, the male praying mantis only gets his head bitten off once, you're getting that five hundred times. You clearly suffer more!" And yes, you're right, and I do appreciate your sympathy, but as you'll recall, the male pryaing mantis can make love for up to four hours, and even keep "doing it" after he is dead. I can't do either of those. So while it's obvious my wife has more reason to be pissed off than praying mantis females do, mantis females don't appreciate how great they have at all, therefore making them the more terrible of the two species due to sheer ingratitude.

Human similarities to Black Widows:

Moving the similarities along, take a look at this man here and you will see that he is about to be eaten, just as poor Male BW2 had done to him above. It's very scary really, and the black widow comparison is clear.

Typical behavior seen in human long-term pair bonding...

Another super illustration by Lauren.
Another super illustration by Lauren.
Lorena Bobbit.  Very scary from a male point of view.
Lorena Bobbit. Very scary from a male point of view.

Human similarities to Scorpions:

On the scorpion front similarity-wise, Lorena Bobbit comes to mind, and the violence easily, and often, can escalate. This phenomenon has been documented since back when Gaia did Ouranos, long before Lorena made that cut. Just watch an episode of cops if you don't think it can get worse. I hardly need to say more.

Human similarities to Sea Horses:

And here, check out this dude. See the sea horse thing going on? Not to mention, I know several men whose wives follow them around nagging constantly and never let things go. In addition, human males are often forced to go shopping at the mall and to watch chick flicks like Sleepless in Seattle or even - it's almost too cruel to mention even just in text - that Sex in the City film. My god, can you imagine? How heartless can nature be? Anyway, the bottom line is, human males really have it rough, which is why they came in at number five.

Conclusion

So there you have the five most brutal species in which to be a male. Clearly the praying mantis has it the worst given his sexual prowess and yet the total disrespect. Frankly, female praying mantises don't even deserve a man like that. But, alas, such is the mystery of nature. For the rest of these species, well, maybe if the reincarnation thing some religions have is true, these males will get another chance at being something else. Maybe they'll come back as drone bees and get to make it with the queen. That would be something, wouldn't it?

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    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Thanks, I'm glad you found the information, uh, informative. And I will put you on my basking list for the next time I'm in the mood for such activity, but I must warn you, I'm not a big basker.

    • profile image

      the queen of awesomeness. 6 years ago

      thats kinda disgusting! but very informative, oh and by the way, you may rise and baske in my awesomeness!!!!!!!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      LOL, yes, for those who admire the strong, independent woman, this hub has a certain extra appeal. :D

    • Glimmer515 profile image

      Glimmer515 7 years ago from Never Never Land

      haha love it!!! Gotta give it up for the badass animal and insect ladies! Showin them whos boss, lol

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      LOL, well, Pylos, that pic of me on number 5 up there is only a few months old; that's as current and as posted as it's gonna get.

    • pylos26 profile image

      pylos26 8 years ago from America

      yo shadesbreath...you gotta help me out here...again...i'm being bombarded by all the fair ladies on hub pages...they are demanding that you post a current portrait of yourself on hubpages...you're welcome...he he...pylos26

    • razvan_razvan profile image

      razvan_razvan 8 years ago from romania

      LOL, that was so funny in the end =)). Yes u're right us humans do tend to act like those other species listed above sometimes :)) .

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Don't bring a rapier to a broadsword convention. (Switchblade to a saber match?) (pocket knife to parry a poignard?)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Alright, Pam. I won't be there until the finals, which I am expected to win "zippers down."

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      ROFL @ Chris! The first order of business is for Shifty to find a way for all those insurance policies to be switched over to my name...er...our names before we entice those old geezers to start dropping off like flies. :D You're too funny!

      I'm off to see the penis fencing competition.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Here Christoph: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYp_Xi4AtAQ that's the direct link. It still works for me in the hub. Too bad you didn't get to see it first, it's pretty funny crap. Just proves that God is funnier than we are, because you can't make up stuff like that. lol

      And yes, Benson, isn't it just tragic? lol. Not as tragic as not getting to jump out of the closet on a hawt chick because of a pink lizard, but tragic just the same.

    • Benson Yeung profile image

      Benson Yeung 8 years ago from Hong Kong

      I almost overlooked this one. I didn't realize you wrote sad stories. I hate it when sad stories end up having sad endings too.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Pam: You are a laugh riot! All that business about how your Grandma was a seriel killer? The black widow! Hilarious! You should put an act together. You'll be a huge hit on the nursing home circuit! Ha, ha, I can see them now, dentures flying from their laughing mouths, then you can pull out one of those "chattering teeth" things and say, "You dropped something." Oh, my, they'll be rolling in the aisles (just a seizure - it'll pass). The marquee will read, "Pam - The "Grin" Reaper - One Night Only - With special guest - Chi Chi Chamois!" And then Chi Chi will make her grand entrance. The old geezers will be dropping like flies (or black widow heads, or something). As your new agent, Shifty Shylock, I will personally see to all the details. We'll make a fortune on the auxillary sales (meaning "from a bag") of sedatives and glycerin pills alone. We'll be rich, rich I say! Laughing all the way to the blood bank!  I'll send a contract right over.

      Can I tell you all a question? So, everybody can see a preying mantis video up there? Cause I got nothing. If you can, where is the video linked, i.e., is it youtube, etc.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Gwendy, for the record, let us be clear that you are welcome to jump on me at any time you like. If my wife sees, she will probably scratch your eyes out and beat me to death, but, discretion being what it is and timing etc., etc. (And yes, that shelf would be nice, and, since I'm just a disembodied head, a long straw would be good. Your old man can have the beer as long as someone comes and moves my straw into a full bottle regularly, I'm happy.)

      And Sunforged, I don't mind the fun folks dropping a link to something that relates to my hubs at all. (Some people do, but those are usually the anal ones whose sphincters pucker and snap loudly when they think someone might steal a rare visitor away). And frankly, you showed your wit the other day in that comment that had me laughing my ass off, so, I'm sure you'll do it fine. I'm off to see how it went.

    • sunforged profile image

      sunforged 8 years ago from Sunforged.com

      Hopefully this isn't a hub faux pas, but i imagine your study of these animal mating activities may interest you in this:

      https://hubpages.com/relationships/The-Art-of-Peni...

      which maybe could be called the top species where it doesn't matter what sex you are at all,

      I should have offered the topic over to you, you probably would have added more humor to it then I did.

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Yes, it wasn't that shelf but I can arange that maybe, you might have to fight my husband over the beer though. I won't jump on you, unless your into that sort of thing, then I might consider it.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Pam, yeah that's the guy. I have to believe he was kidding, but if he wasn't, even better. (And does a whip really get ChiChi harnessed, or more like, ready to consider compliance for a time?)

      Gwendy: Oh sweet... tell me it's the shelf where you keep your expensive booze?  And I might do a bonbons thing, but in the spirit of this hub, I'd need to find women who have it bad.  Which might not be funny.  It's easy to laugh at guys because, well, guys aren't really sympathetic.  Women get lumped into the "women and children" first category, which means that in our heart of hearts, we actually love them.  Men are disposable, always have been.  It's the way of the world if one pulls their emotional camera back far enough to see us in a broad, historical view.  Well, and maybe with an old world lens of Chivalry, but I think it holds beyond just that.  (Watch some feminist finds this and jumps all over me.)

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Shades, your not supposed to tell my secrets. As for you writing one about females, somehow I think you might want to leave that to someone like Spryte. I think then we might be able to get a true and accurtae view of what 5 worst species to be a female in, or at least a damn funny one. Not that you couldn't do the funny part, but I'm pretty sure you would have us female humans sitting on the couch watching Oprah and eating bonbons.

      (gwendy picks up shades head from behind the jukebox cradles him under her arm and takes him home where she puts him on a shelf, where a sexy man should be.)

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      You're right, I suppose I'd be a little nervous about more husbands if all of mine kept dieing. And perhaps it's odd for me to find humor in that situation, but why not? It's true, it's odd, and it's kinda funny. ;)

      About the guy, you mean the one who took you serious? ROFL!

      Oh, sorry about the whole head thing. I try to keep ChiChi from causing problems, but her lust and energy are just so darned difficult to harness. Well, unless there's a whip involved. ;)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      ROFL, yeah, great, so I rolled behind the jukebox and now I get to stare into the dusty space behind it until my eyeballs finally dry out and I start to shrivle up like the boiled up victim of some shrunken-head pygmie tribe. Thanks. Sheesh.

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      I forgot to LOL over the black widow bar! Too funny! :D

      My alias has put me under tremendous pressure to allow her to make a comment. I hope it's ok...

      ChiChi slides into the hub and notices the detached head of Shades pictured above in the hub. She picks it up, clutches it to her bosom and croons softly in her unbelievable French accent, "Zaire, zaire my leeetle mantis man head wis no booody, Shishi weeel make it all bet-aire." She plants a drooling wet kiss on the top of his detached head with her grossly over-sized pouting lips and smooths the throbbing manhood veins of his sweaty temples. Suddenly, she spots other man meat specimens across the room and tosses the head aside. "Ooh-la-la!" she exclaims.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Pam, you can't really blame her on the last one. I'd start feeling cursed too. It's a silly thing to believe, but it's entirely in keeping with how our minds work. I'm glad you got a laugh out of this. Actualy, I'm pretty happy it got resurected. I'm pretty grateful for those two guys who popped in out of the blue (or one guy maybe?) and fired it up for a night.

      And Gwendy, you know you like watching a little bug on bug action. Everyone does, just some of us try to hide it. I probalby should do one on women, eh? I was going to after I wrote this one, but figured I'd let this one have it's moment,then it got lost in the shuffle of time. (And I'll tell her she has another fan of her art. She is pretty awesome with that stuff, ain't she? heh. I laughed so hard the first time I saw that first horse falling off the cliff, looking back up with that sort of, "what?" thing going. Great stuff.)

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Shades, I cannot believe that you actually convinced me to watch insect porn, and this early in the morning before I have even finished drinking my cup of coffee. I am shocked! Actually, glad I decided to stalk CR and made it over here. This is some pretty funny stuff. I think in the name of equality you should have to do one for females. Hmm, never mind.

      BTW, your daughters artwork is awesome, two talented people in one family is two many and you guys are over your limit.

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      I missed this one too! ROFLMAO at the banter between Shades and Spryte. Well done. :) This was a super fun read, so fun that I've nearly forgotten I have a teenager to drive to school in about 2 minutes.

      Quick tale....my grandmother was married 3 times and the 2nd two times were after the age of 60. Her husbands kept dieing on her. In fact, the 2nd one only lived about 6 months. Word has it that he insisted they sleep in the same bed, then the next thing you know he was DEAD! After the 3rd husband died, I affectionately started calling her "The Black Widow."

      And another funny fact...when she was 90 she had a boyfriend who could have been husband number 4, but she refused to marry him even though he did everything possible to change her mind. I think she was half afraid he might die or something. ;)

      Thanks for a super read Shades. :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Then I shall go to the dogs. It won't be the first time!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      CW.. yeah, my wife saw this.  YOu have to realize, I've been married to that poor woman for over 20 years.  She figured out a long time ago how to ignore me LOL.  (Btw, I loved that movie).

      Yeah, Christoph, I guess you did miss this one.  Glad you found it.  There's probably a few chuckles for you in my old stuff, given we share a bit of point of view.  lol. Frankly, I wrote a poem for my Tips for Dog Owners hub that made me laugh my ass off. At the time, I had no readership (and maybe the hub is only marginal, or too close to the Neighbors one) but, I swear, Keats and Shelley got nothing on my dog poem.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Shades: This was written before my auspicious arrival here in hubtown, and am still getting to stuff written PC (pre-Christoph). This showcases your usual finely honed wit with a dash of absurdity, a pinch of silly, and melted bravado over all. Well done! I did want to point out that the teaching of that MORONIC Darwin have been solidly disproven as the work of SATAN and his MINIONS. Anyone who is STUPID enough to believe this SACRILEGE is clearly either GROSSLY IGNORANT or a HARBINGER OF DOOM, PROPHET OF BEELZEBUB, HATER OF CHILDREN and DOG KICKER. Or not.

      No videos, and I really wanted to get my praying mantis nature documentary on. Kudos also to Lauren, who is really quite talented. She'll be working for Pixar in no time.

      At one time I was trying to develop a comic strip where all the characters were anthromorpized insects. There was a Preying Mantis couple, with him the towns reverend and she his incessantly nagging wife - whom he was terrified of.

      Great job! What a hoot!

    • countrywomen profile image

      countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

      Did your wife go through this hub (or you don't know what's coming your way when she finds out)..hehe. Sea horse is such a cool father maybe its the extreme kind of parental rearing. Btw I saw Penguins movie and both the parents take so much trouble to raise the baby that's so touching:-

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/March_of_the_Penguins

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Pssst, Jacques Bonhomme, ... this is actually mostly a joke. See, that history about the Seahorses, I have to tell you, that was TOTALLY made up. Seriously, it was. Don't use any of that on a test if you get one on marine biology. You will get a bad grade. See, what I do is, I take just a teensy bit of truth and then I make up this other stuff and tie it to teensy bit of other truth and then, with some silly pictures you have a gag. It's fun. :)

      Anyway, I noticed you didn't comment on the seahorse one, so I only say this because I thought you might have taken that one seriously, unlike the other ones that you did catch (well, except the mantises, but thanks, I did my best on them... but how did you not notice the footage of the black widows was fake?)

      (Oh, and this comment is also just in fun. So, thanks for your comment, which I also give an 89% chance as intended as fun too. :)

    • profile image

      Jacques Bonhomme 8 years ago

      I am a biology major, by the way. You have a reference to the alleged "pregnant man," and I must inform you that SHE is still biologically a female. In order to truly change sex, one would have to go through every single cell and replace the appropriate chromosome on Pair 23.

      Contrary to popular belief, by the way, black widows only sometimes eat their mates. Many male scorpians are fast enough to escape when the females are about to strike. Believe it or not, a healthy human relationship is an equalistic one. Congratulations on being right about the mantises.

      I have no problems with being a guy (and yes, I am one). My female friends treat me just as well, better if anything, than my male friends, and I have just as many of them. While I am aware of the difference between friendship and rommance, my parents have a truly equalistic relationship.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Jack, you are awesome and thank you so much for clearing that up. Man, I hate when I screw stuff like that up.

    • profile image

      Jack Goodfellow 8 years ago

      I am a biology major, just so you know. I know this is not real science, but let's not use words against their meanings. What is with all that about "woman" sea horses and "man" spiders? A boy of any species is a male, but only a human can be a man. Likewise, a girl of any species is a female, but only a human can be a woman. If you don't believe me, read a biology book, please. Male and female are the only formal universal terms for the sexes, when in doubt. A horse can not be a man any more than a human can be a stallion.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Scary, ain't it? lol. Thanks for the comment Nytsmasher.

    • nytsmasher76 profile image

      nytsmasher76 9 years ago from Republic of the Philippines

      "The female of the species is MORE deadly than the male..." hehehe Great Hub!

      Hub On Dude!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      Gotcha!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      What the heck just happened? lol

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Oh, I could never exterminate a wookie though...or an Ewok for that matter. It's that old lotsa fur = lotsa fun thing.

      I've never heard of a "Sprookie"...but I suppose it's possible. As long as the hybrid didn't end up as some spoiled Hollywood starlet's pet, it might be interesting. :)

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      Spryte

      Ouch! now the poor BW female is facing an execution by gas chamber. Surely Lethal injection with Th(f)angs is the way of the spider world. But I was more pondering what a cross between a Wooki and a Spryte may be ( a tall hairy faerie maybe?) and of course to fit into this hub category. The spryte would have exterminate the wookie, thereby alienating a generation of Star war lovers.

      Talk about "boldy going where no-one has been before".

      'Beam me up Scotty before I get attacked by this planet's inhabitants".

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      It's sure been fun for me, that's for sure Marisue. I mean, I just put up an informative nature hub for children to find facts when they research their homework assignments, and look what you guys have done with it.

      :P

    • marisuewrites profile image

      marisuewrites 9 years ago from USA

      I think we're all certifiably NUTS  hahaha  this is hilarious

      its the never ending story....lol

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Alright Spryte, we are even. I do hate a tipped scale that isn't in my favor.  And, you're on your own with Sixty and the Wookie.

      Jewels, ... ROFL at that vid.  I hadn't seen that.  Frickin hilarious.  You signed your post Eve, but aren't you Jeff?

      And Sixty, I think I like the 3pO idea, but I've got more of an R2D2 body  LOL.  Well, except the wheels.

      Oh, and the lazers and little arc welding arm thing.  That would be cool.

      Oh, and I don't have a cool movie projector either.

      And I'm tall.

      Ok, R2D2 maybe wasn't the right way to go.  ... I can whistle though.  So, I got that.

      @ Starcatchinfo:  Um, Wow, indeed!

      @ Karen, please do.  We'd love to have both of you jump in on the absurdity of it all.  I mean, absurd not including the highly scientific parts of course, which are total empiricism and stuff.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      "besides Spryte may fall for Wooki unleashing (potentially) a third force with dsatardly consequences of (ehm) issue!"

      LOL Sixty!  Are you referring to the "gas" chamber?

    • Karen N profile image

      Karen N 9 years ago from United States

      Cute article! I'll have to show this one to my husband :)

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      starcatchinfo 9 years ago

      WOW !!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      Shades I have always contended that you are rather more 3cp0 than Luke. Intellectual but a strange body. I think we need to engage Wooki as our council in the upcoming spider widow matter. The squeals urghs and groans will have opposing council and the jury tied up fior months in interpretation. besides Spryte may fall for Wooki unleashing (potentially) a third force with dsatardly consequences of (ehm) issue!

    • Jewels profile image

      Jewels 9 years ago from Australia

      I own the dark side - I'll kill you with my tray if you're not careful.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LzE_qEvWCw&eur...

      All my love, Eve.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Ahhh...okay, we're even again. You miss a Dahmer, I miss the "Luke...I am your father" reference.

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Sprtye, that was angled at Clay's announcement that I am his son... Darth Vader followed a similar announcement with and invitation to the dark side, I was just wondering if one was forthcoming for me. I could use some magic power anyway.

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      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      What do you mean "dark" side???

      Psst, Jewel...don't forget to bring the cookies to our next meeting. It's your turn.

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      I see a "join the dark side of the force" in my future.

      @ Abigail, thanks. I appreciate that. :)

      @ Jewels,

      TEchnically, Adam was not "nagging" he was admonishing her that she had forgotten her place. Big difference between helpful admonishment and death-nagging. :P

      @Spryte.... Assemble your forces as you must, the outcome will remain the same. Sheila will fry once the evidence is processed.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      *perks up*

      Oooooh somebody is gonna get grounded!!!

      By the way....Jewels is now co-defense for Sheila. I like her attitude!

    • profile image

      Clay 9 years ago

      And this is my son??????????????

    • Jewels profile image

      Jewels 9 years ago from Australia

      It's an exacerbated payback, really and truly. Prior to the separation of the sexes the state of the union was hermaphroditic. Eve keeps getting blamed for the woes of mankind and she is tired of the injustice. So pissed off is she that she sent a wave among the creation. Adam was the first nagger. He turned to Eve and said 'what are you doing outside of me instead of inside?" Eve replied: "Well if you're going to have that attitude, best you keep your mouth shut." And so the world turns.

    • Abigail Cherry profile image

      Abigail Cherry 9 years ago from Cary, NC

      Great hub! I was trying to think of something terribly witty to add, but I think I'll just leave it at... great hub!

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      I'm not sure how I missed it Sixty. I do have a penchant for beer, so, perhaps I will blame that for now. lol.

      Spryte, that may be the perfect angle to take... WHY men become serial killers. Of course, that might end up being an extension of the Sea Horse phenomenon played out to it's ultimate end when they can no longer deal with it anymore.

      I'm still waiting for the muse... they can't be forced to come, they simply arrive when they will. The more you seek one, the more elusive they become. At least in my experience.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      ...or maybe a hub on the observation that men tend to be serial killers more frequently than females...and why. Tongue in cheek of course...

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      You will note that being a Daddylonglegs actually saved my life. I went to our local Police station and submitted my DNA for verification (or is that villification) so my spit is in the mail. Ps how could you miss Dahmer drive!

      BTW I think a hub on being human and female could have some interesting turns, How I avoided Dahmer, Green River killer, Boston Strangler not to mention Hannibal Lecter (alias Paraglider), Jack the Ripper and he russian guy. Dating seems to be a dangerous game all round.

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Thanks Moefry, appreciate that.

      And Rochelle, if I do, I only need to add four.  This hub came off of the Bee one I linked.  But I suppose I could balance it out and make a female one too.  I'll stew on that see if I can find a humorous angle, but don't hesitate on my behalf if you have some ideas.  You're hubs are hilarious.  Be a kick to read your take.

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 9 years ago from California Gold Country

      Are you going to equalize this by giving the other side of the story? Like listing the five worst species to be a gal? (could be a winner) Do you know how long elephants have to endure pregnancy? Do you know that giving birth to an elephant or two does to one's figure?

      Yeah I thought about it myself-- but thought you might want to take a shot at it.

    • moefry47 profile image

      moefry47 9 years ago from Texas

      best hub ever !!! The seahorse stuff was great. Yes, the human male has it rough.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Hahaha... I didn't even catch that. Saw an address and skimmed. My bad too, being a fan of the fine detail.

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      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Shade...I hope there isn't a Dahmer Drive in Phoenix....

      :)

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      lol Spryte, watch you actually get checks.

      And yep, evil mind present and accounted for.

    • profile image

      2chevys 9 years ago

      Hey BIL, Finally got linked to your postings. Putting your evil mind to good use I see, C

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Bah...all circumstantial evidence. I am confident that Sheila will be exonerated. So bring it on!

      For those interested, a defense fund has been set up for Sheila. You may send donations to:

      Sheila Defense Fund

      c/o spryte

      5 Dahmer Drive

      Phoenix, AZ 85040

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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Of course you went there.  The last bastion of a spider with no genuine defense. It should be noted that the victims and perpetrator were all the same race of spider. Nice try.

      I suppose it won't come as a shock to you that investigators found wallets, identification and personal effects belonging to 227 of the 235 victims an hour ago buried in the dirt beneath Sheila's web.  I'm afraid she will have to cancel her "plans" as officers are on their way to arrest her now.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Ah Shade, *sadly shakes head*....

      While it was obvious to me that Sixty could not possibly be our missing BW, just for the record, I took this claim to my client.

      While Sheila does admit to having seen Sixty before at the Shed Bar, she is not attracted to the Daddy Long Legs species..as you no doubt have realized, our Mr. Sixty is...

      *slides a file over to you*

      As you can see here, she has filed a restraining order against Sixty. There are also charges of stalking and verbal assault. A woman can only take so much "Who's Your Daddy?" before she must defend herself...

      *puts on glasses and riffles through the licenses*

      Hmmm...yes...just as suspected....

      You've also been the unwitting victim of the county clerk...one Little Miss Muffet who has her own very personal agenda. If you look closely at these licenses, you will see that they are all photocopies of the same license...all 236 of them.

      *neatens up the pile of licenses and places them in yet another folder*

      The woman needs some serious help. Sheila merely "sat down beside her"...and there was no need to behave as she did. Why she persists in harrassing my client can only be due to the fact that Sheila is black. The Rev. Al Sharpton is pretty sure we have a case of racial profiling here...or at the very least discrimination.

      Do you have anything else that my client can use? The weekend is coming up and my client has informed me that she'll be somewhat busy and unavailable...

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Spryte, I confess to shaking the tree a bit with the incest thing... as soon as I find a decent spider geneologist we shall see if the common surname is as rampant as it is purely by marriage. I will tell you, I followed your lead and went down to county records and, low and behold, did you know there are 236 marriage licenses on fine? Hmmmmmmmmmmm? Were you aware of that little detail? Perhaps you didn't notice that when you were getting the one you got. Maybe next time you won't send an intern to the county clerk. Hahaha!

      However, because Sixtyorso has admitted (or been paid by you) that he is in fact BW2 in hiding, I will desist until we can find more evidence in that regard. The other 235 cases are still under investigation, however. (236 again if BW1 doesn't turn up, he is not answering his phone.)

      Sixty, we will need you to come in so we can take some DNA samples to confirm that you are you.

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      Ok OK dammit, I admit I am BW1 (or is that BW2) in hiding. As she (the BW female) bared her fangs at me I scuttled out. Using all my legs as fast as I could scuttle. But that Spryte lawyer creature is just trying to get in on the action. Perhaps she is a closet black Widow female seeking to attract stupid unwary males into her lair or is it Web. If she is human perhaps she acted for Lorena Bobbit and we all know what she did! Shades desist I am alive!

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Drat! I'd heard you were a wickedly, dastardly, conniving opponent...it seems I may have underestimated your skills...

      Unless...

      *smiles deviously*

      By all means...please file polygamy charges. It'll be interesting to see you produce even one husband..or evidence other than the license I just gave to you...*arches eyebrow...camera zooms in for close up as mysterious music is heard in the background...*

      As for incest...I'm not sure where the idea for that insuation came from, but consider yourself notified that it has been added to our anti-defamation suit.

      We should also mention at this time that we are filing abandonment charges...

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Egad, you are a wiley thing.  You're right, there was no body.

      Hmmm

      Perhaps the legal team will have to suffice with civil court.... we'll get her on lesser charges then.  Maybe incest or polygamy given the same last name.  Yes... I think that's the way to go.  Again, thanks for pointing that out.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Ha! You think you are so clever! (evil smile)

      It was common knowledge amongst the clientele of "The Shed Bar" that the supposedly late male BW2...remember a body was never found...didn't even have a job, much less a decent credit rating.

      Anyway...the point is moot since Sheila is actually Mrs. BW2...

      *slaps wedding license on the table*

      Las Vegas isn't far away, y'know...and...of course the word "widow" should have been a big clue for you...

      *smirks*

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      More killer coquette than gold digger, but you bring up an interesting point.  Perhaps we should check the credit card activity of the late male BW2 and see if he's still spending money.  Hmm.  Thanks for tipping your client's cards.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Okay okay....enough. Somebody has to stand up for Sheila here alright?! All this Sheila bashing....

      I understand about the whole...bed 'em and dead 'em. thing. But now you are inferring that my client...that's right, she hired me to defend her image against further defamation...that MY client is also a GOLD DIGGER too?

      Your people will be hearing from our people soon...

      spryte, esq.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      No, no returning Darwin. BW2 died though, BW1 was the "loser" that night and ended up going home alone. No worries though, Sheila surely got him once he got that check. I haven't been next door to check, but I'm sure he's toast by now.

    • MrMarmalade profile image

      MrMarmalade 9 years ago from Sydney

      Shadesbreath says:6 days ago

      Quensday,

      Male BW1 will probably just use the cash to buy Sheila a drink tomorrow night, but hey, nature is what it is. And "some organisms?" lol Just "some?" Me thinks it might be more than that.

      I am still laughing. I have to object to the timing of the death

      'Male BW1 will probably just use the cash to buy Sheila a drink tomorrow night.'

      I laughed about Sheila and now you have blown it for me. You convinced me the BWM would be dead and now he is alive to buy another drink the next night. Has Darwin come back to haunt us?

      marisuewrites

      I have just managed to get over the above young lady with her Pentagon

      and now I assulted with this.

      Who can one believe in?

      Great hub I will search out about the bees and ?????

      Thank you.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Beth, your laughter is my reward for this silliness and I thank you for it very much. And yes, you should let your husband read it, he will see that he doesn't have it as bad as the other species on the list. lol

    • betherickson profile image

      betherickson 9 years ago from Minnesota

      hahaha this is sooooooo funny. I enjoyed reading your hub. I should let my husband read this too. thanks for the smiles :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Thanks very much for saying so, Amy. :)

    • profile image

      Amy_Roberts 9 years ago

      This is a fantastic hub - funny and interesting - great job! :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Oh, oh... nothing like a nice evisceration for a good time. Fine. I'll take a lozenge and be there (wearing chainmail underneath my shirt).

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      LOL...I don't blame you, but we gals were hoping you'd be the guest speaker and offer up a little instruction.

      If you're squeemish about decapitation, perhaps we could start with disembowelment. But, you're the science teacher, we're just the students eager to learn to emulate nature.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      I might be sick that day.

      I feel a cough coming on...

      /cough

      see.

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Of course.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      lol @ "slicker." No chance you could just make the cut neat or something, Shirely? It has to be a grisly hamburger flinging kind of thing?

      /sigh

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 9 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Wychic - sorry it took me so long to respond, I was busy booking the meeting room and getting the word out to the grapevine. This is going to be quite a coup! I'll bring the coffeemaker, and of course we'll have wine.

      What are you going to wear? I don't know what kind of outfit one wears for this sort of thing. If we're going to start practising, I guess a stylish slicker with jaunty hat?

    • profile image

      Ananta65 9 years ago

      We truly are pathetic, aren't we? *lol*

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Nah, just make up an angle on it like, "...the power to serve you better, my lady," or "... the power to better understand my place." Then you're golden.

    • profile image

      Ananta65 9 years ago

      You tell that to the female of the species, Shadesbreath. Because I wouldn't dare. I'd probably end up with my head bitten off or worse ;)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      @Maylinda

      Whew, I was just grasping for some tin foil with which to make myself fire-proof armor when I saw that "i'm kidding" thing.  Whew.  One can never be to careful with the female of the species, after all.  :P

      Ananta, all I can say is, uh, knowledge is power?  :)

    • profile image

      Ananta65 9 years ago

      I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! *lol*

    • Maylinda Arons profile image

      Maylinda Arons 9 years ago

      Head off his bank account, huh???? *breathes fire and prepares to shoot poisoned darts out of ears* (Yeah, that's some well-advised terror you have there!)

      I'm kidding. Just in case.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Thanks, Nisanth, I appreciate your appreciation lol. Honestly, the comments some people made are actually as funny or more so than the hub, check em out if you get time.

    • nisanth mn profile image

      nisanth mn 9 years ago from india

      i had to scroll down for an hour to reach the bottom of comments. that says it all. very funny presentation!!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Yes, and then she bit the head off your bank account instead?

      (The above comment is no commentary on the females of the human species beyond an extrapolation of the data so meticulously gathered during the course of the research for this academic article, and in no way reflects the views of its author who holds women of the human species in the highest regard. And terror.)

    • profile image

      Scam 9 years ago

      The mantis one was brilliant.

      Why do us guys always get such a rough time with women though? At least when my ex tried to 'bite my head off' I managed to survive by divorcing her!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Thanks Meta, I will try. :)

    • profile image

      Metahuman 9 years ago

      Hahaha! Funny stuff there dude! I like <3. Keep up the good work!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Haven't got the paragraph yet, but looking forward to seein' it. As for what's next, who knows. When the muse comes, I channel her best I can.

    • marisuewrites profile image

      marisuewrites 9 years ago from USA

      shadesbreath...I'm lovin the advice on the email...and will put it to practice!! thank you!! I sent you a paragraph to see if I'm on the roll....LOL

      thank you and I can't wait for your next hub!!! what ELSE could you be thinking of???