Let's Rock! The Twin Peaks Character Countdown (60-51)
One day, our sadness will end.
Here we are again everyone. Even though it’s a sad day, what with our favorite Log Lady passing on to the great Lodge in the sky, the show will go on, and it will go on with the subject she loved so much (besides logs of course). Yesterday was day two of the Twin Peaks character countdown, which continued to lead us through the muck of the less interesting and, in the words of Immortan Joe, mediocre. Today…pretty much the same. Hey, once we get past fifty, we’ll be out of the woods. Hell, there are some interesting people in this one too! I’m serious. But enough about me telling you about it, let me…tell you about it in greater detail. Walked right into that one. LET’S ROCK!
60. Nancy O’Reilly
It speaks to how uninteresting some of the characters were in parts one and two that Nancy O’Reilly somehow manages to make it here. This is what the woman has going for her; sister of Blackie O’Reilly, lover of Jean Renault. Here endeth the interest.
59. Eileen Hayward
Yet another wife that has very little to do. Except…no, poor Eileen Hayward doesn’t really have a whole lot to do, even if it’s more than Sylvia Horne and Betty Briggs. The sad thing is that I really did want to know more about this woman. She’s pleasant enough and oh yeah, she happens to be in a wheelchair and it’s NEVER EXPLAINED HOW SHE GOT THERE! Dammit Lynch, you’d think we would at least get a hint of what happened to her?! That’s the sort of thing that keeps you invested even if there’s not much else there. Alas, we never found out why Eileen was in the chair, and aside from apparently having an affair with Ben Horne that may have produced Donna, there’s not much else there. On that note, a serious question; who in the show didn’t have an affair with Ben Horne? He’s like the Wilt Chamberlain of Twin Peaks, only a lot less likable and a lot more clutch.
58. Mike Nelson
Ah, Mike Nelson; the best friend of Bobby Briggs, the oldest looking teenager this side of the cast of The To Do List. Frankly, he probably should’ve been lower on this last, but he gets a reprieve thanks to the long, strange journey he takes throughout the show. I mean just take a look; the dude starts off as Donna’s soon to be ex-boyfriend/Bobby’s life partner, disappears for about a season or so before finally reappearing as the love interest of a traumatized Nadine Hurley. That he somehow remains uninteresting through all of that is a testament to why he’s still so low here. That he actually falls in love with Nadine is why he’s so high. How does that happen?! That’s the most implausible love story since the last time Keanu Reeves was in a romantic comedy.
57. Johnny Horne
Man, if I were naming these sections something, this one would’ve been the “I Really Wanted to Know More!” one. Much like Eileen, Johnny Horne is someone who had potential for an interesting back story, what him being a 27 year old with the mental capacity of a child. Of course, we never found out more about that, and thus he slides so low. I do like the suggestion that was made in the deleted scene (the one I brought up when talking about Sylvia) from Dr. Jacoby that Johnny’s incident with Audrey had left no physical damage, but it had forced him to retreat into his state of mind. That would’ve been something cool to play with. Well, as long as the focus was on that and less on Sylvia being all “It’s Audrey’s fault! Damn her! DAMN HER ALL TO HELL!”. The only thing that would accomplish would be me screaming out a Planet of the Apes line at her. Two can play that game!
56. Gersten Hayward
Okay, I can’t be the only one who is fascinated by the youngest of the Hayward clan, right? Even though she’s definitely the fourth best out of her family and only appears once (her biggest downfall), Gersten is pretty chill. She seems to be very intelligent (got those good grades just like her sisters after all). She has multiple talents. And that damn stuff with the piano. What does it even mean?! And don’t tell me it doesn’t mean something. I’ve seen a ton of David Lynch over the years, and if him showing the girl who played Paul Atreides’ sister in Dune playing the piano during the end credits doesn’t mean anything significant, then the world officially no longer makes sense. In fact, I’d bank on some sort of significance being revealed from this during the revival. Wouldn’t Gersten be the youngest one of all the original Twin Peaks peeps? Something has to go down there.
55. Dick Treymaine
I was going to give Treymaine some points here for having a similar name to the Robert Loggia character from Lost Highway. Then I realized that his name was Dick Laurent instead of Dick Trumant, which pretty much negates everything unless Bill Pullman started calling people up and saying “Dick Treymaine is dead!”. Low and behold, here we are.
I’ll give this much to Dick; he’s interesting, which is why he’s here as opposed to James Hurley’s and Mike Nelson’s of the world. His problem though is that I want to punch him in the mouth repeatedly. Seriously, is there any character on this show more pretentious than this dude? He makes the dude from Laagan: Once Upon a Time in India look like a cool person. Snobs think Dick is trying too hard. I can go on and on, but I think you get the point. What’s worse; he also gets in the way of that adorably goofy romance between Andy and Lucy. Like, what the hell man? I think I’ve made it pretty clear thus far that people who interfere with TV true love are destined for the shit list. That’s one of my pet peeves, along with Phil Simms and ambulances with smoke coming out of them (if you’re a wrestling fan that made sense). For that and his over 9,000 levels of snootiness, Dick gets to sit here at 55. Good day sir.
54. Judy Swain
We follow up Dick Treymaine with a character that was directly involved with him, Lucy and Andy. Just like James Hurley, there’s no escaping him. Not really a whole lot here to Miss Swain, as she pretty much shows up to grill Dick and Andy on who can be the better father, then is out of there quicker than a Mark Reynolds at bat. So why is she high? Put Molly Shannon and the Twin Peaks universe of quirky together, and you can’t go wrong. That’s what happened here. Funny story; my friend’s father apparently met Molly Shannon at a hibachi restaurant in LA once. This is the stuff you need to know!
53. Emory Battis
Quietly, the weirdly named Emory is one of the more underrated villains of the whole show. I’m not saying he’s on the level of BOB or anything, but he’s pretty slimy all things considered. Want proof; Emory works for Ben Horne (not exactly the greatest man to ever live) at Horne’s department store, uses the position to recruit girls to become hookers, and then later helps hold them at One Eyed Jacks against their will because why the hell not? If you want to dig even deeper, this is the guy who brings Laura and Ronette to One Eyed Jacks, which pretty much sets everything in motion for Laura, Ronette, Leo and Jacques to be in that cabin the night when shit hits the fan. In short, Emory is somewhat responsible for this entire show! Granted, just somewhat, but still. You gotta give him points for that, at least enough for him to almost crack the top fifty.
52. Harriet Hayward
Man, we’re just knocking those Hayward’s out in this round huh? Honestly, Harriet is only higher than her little sister because she has more to do; give Gersten a few more piano sessions, and she would’ve leap frogged her straight shooting sister. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be, which is fine because Harriet is pretty cool and weird in her own right. How can you not like someone who just wants a little air in her back bike tire and comes up with the most Lynchian poetry in the history of the western hemisphere? I look forward to seeing her being even odder in the revival. Hell, the whole Hayward clan is going to be pretty warped when we see them again. Like, really, really warped.
51. Roger Hardy
I’m a little surprised I actually rated Mr. Hardy this high, considering that his only duty in the show was to be the annoying Internal Affairs officer that suspends Cooper from the FBI and always seems to think something wrong did actually happen. Seriously, have you ever met an IA officer in a show that didn’t automatically think something was wrong? There are cynical bastards, and then there are the dudes from IA. What helps Mr. Hardy here though is that he actually comes across as less annoying than the usual IA suspects. Really, he’s just a dude trying to do his job; it just so happens he’s trying to sideline our hero, which is pretty much the biggest no no you can do. Add that to the fact that the rest of the law enforcement people are just so interesting and well, Hardy is the lowest of the low, even if he’s not actually that low.
That’ll do it girls and boys. I’m out till later, likely with a AAA preview for their show Sunday. The Twin Peaks countdown will return tomorrow! Till then, Rest in Power Log Lady. We miss you.