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Unplugged: The History of the Universe

Updated on May 10, 2020
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Jim is an accomplished writer with many great literary achievements, most of which he simply made up.

If evolution were true, humanity would be extinct by now. Man would have died out from mass stupidity. This suspcion is confirmed every time I watch TV or go to the mall.

The Unofficial History Of Man

First we evolved from lower life forms, we know this from episodes of the Discovery channel and the fact that many lower life forms refused to evolve so they're still in pretty much the same state they started off. For thousands of years we were duped by religious charlatans who went to a lot of trouble to distort the truth so they could keep humanity in the grips of ignorance. Many of them like Cain, were violent. Then the great enlightenment came along, freeing us from myth & superstition so we could delude & deceive ourselves in the name of science, e.g., evolution & global warming, the transmutation of lead into gold, the Phlogiston theory, and Phrenology. It was a great improvement to go from religious charlatans in the dark ages to quacks & maniacal mad scientists. This was also necessary because the Bubonic Plague and The Inquisition proved we could no longer rely on religious mass murder to annhilate mankind. It was just taking too long, one heretic at a time. So not long after we invented scientists which subsequently invented the Atomic Bomb. Now we can wipe out the entire planet in just one push of the button. That's what I call efficiency! See how much better science is than religion!

Right back where we started

Then we invented television and computers so we could support the electronics industry. And then came the Internet and the information age. Up to now, things we're going great, until they invented television. Immediately after the invention of television, evolution came to a screeching halt. Fortunately technology will once again jump start the evolutionary process with ...more TV. Here's how it works. We sit on the couch all day watching TV and digesting large amounts of junk food. In the process, TV (network news, reality TV, endless re-runs, incessant commercials, celebrity cesspool, etc.) turns our bodies and brains slowly into mush. This will speed up the evolutionary process by millions of years, allowing us to evolve back into simple blobs of protoplasm ...and slugs that we started from!

Not to worry, however. Soon after a giant asteroid hits and wipes out the planet ...and de ja vu! The whole process starts all over. By that time Bruce Willis will be entirely too old to climb into a space ship and blow up the asteroid so humanity is pretty much doomed!. So let's just fast forward to the next epoch in the evolutionary process. I can see it now. Two amoeba floating in the ocean, waiting to evolve. One says to the other, "Wonder what's on?" The other says, "You idiot! They won't invent TV for another 3.8 billion years"

Wait! Haven't I seen this before?

So one day the next evoltionary cycle can watch how it all happened on the Discovery Channel! Be sure to catch the mystery-doomsday episode entitled, "Why Humans Went Extinct?" Coming to you in only 3.8 billion years!

Now if you will excuse me I've got to re-write all those science text books again, before my brain turns back to mush!

© 2011 Jim Henderson


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