'Verotika' Is Not 'the Room' of Horror
‘Verotika’ has all the ingredients that are needed to make a “so bad its good” movie. These movies—‘The Room’, ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’, to give a couple examples—have many things in common but it seems like the most important element is the director. Almost all unintentional comedies are auteur pieces made by eccentrics who, oftentimes, aren't even filmmakers at all. They’re real estate agents and exterminators who feel the need to express whatever ideas are going on in their heads. And so, this movie, made by Glenn Danzig—punk musician who founded the Misfits—holds the crucial element that every unintentional comedy needs. Its a vanity project that gives it’s creator a venue to do whatever he wants. Unfortunately, though, ‘Verotika’ is nowhere close to being “so bad its good", as many people are claiming. Its not entertaining in the slightest. Its just bad. It feels more like a Project Badass video from ‘Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ than an actual movie, and the only emotion it will stir up in it’s viewers is embarrassment.
This is an anthology horror that contains three stories. If you’re dying to go into ‘Verotika’ spoiler free then I’ll warn you that I’m going to go into detail when I talk about these stories. Although, I don't even know if its possible to spoil them since hardly anything happens. The first story starts off with an uncomfortably long make-out scene that finally gets interrupted when the girl takes off her shirt, revealing that she has eyes on her nipples. The guy she’s with freaks out and leaves which causes a tear to drop out of her eye-nipple and land on a spider. For some reason, it causes the spider to become a murderous knockoff of Freddy Kruger who is set free whenever she falls asleep. It might be surprising but this is, by far, the best story. Of course, every technical aspect is abysmal and the attempt at surrealism is a failure, but at least something is (kind of) happening in this story. The next two have absolutely no narrative.
The second story is about a stripper who cuts off people’s faces and wears them onstage. Thats all that happens and its just one bit excuse to have extended strip club sequences. The story is kicked off with a nearly ten minute long sequence of a bunch of horrible actors pretending to be in a strip club. And thats the first of three of these sequences. The third story is even more dull. Its about a medieval countess who bathes in blood to care for her skin. Clearly, this story is inspired by the Countess Elizabeth Bathory who was known for doing the same thing and it makes no attempt to spice things up. The main “character” kills a few people, bathes in their blood and thats it. It really just seems like an excuse to watch her bathe.
In case you cant tell, ‘Verotika’ is about one step away from being a porno. Hell, it has about as much plot as a porno. The actors even look like this movie is their last hope before having to enter that industry. I talked before about Glenn Danzig being this movie’s auteur. Well, despite how great some of his music is, his filmmaking vision is totally hollow. The only audience this movie has a prayer of capturing are ultra macho types who want to sit around watching boobs and heavy metal, but those types of viewers probably wouldn't even be entertained. Its actually kind of mind-blowing that a movie this strange can also be this dull.