WPOPE-TV Exclusive: Transcript Reveals God's Surprising Decision To Send Pope Francis To The Land Of The Free
Transcript Reveals It Was God Who Decided The Pope Was Needed In America
WPOPE-TV today acquired a transcript which proves Pope Francis was dispatched to the United States in a last ditch effort to get "our once favored start-up project" to return to a path of harmony, morality and hope. The transcript also shows God was so concerned about America he was willing to risk destroying the entire world to wipe out orbiting satellites.
:But Jesus and Peter had a better idea!
The transcript (ABRIDGED BUT NOT REDACTED) follows:
God: Thank you for coming on short notice. It has been a long time since we met in the U.S. I thought it important we gather here in the clouds above Washington D.C. and give some serious thought to what to do about our once Favored Nation Start-up Project, the United States of America. Frankly, it’s a mess today. Prayer returns have diminished to a trickle, ‘do unto others’ has been transformed into ’Me First' and ecclesiastical expansion funds are in the toilet. I am wondering if it is time to pull the divinity plug.
The assembled members of The Council shuffled their feet, dropped their spiritual eye toward the scaffold-enclosed dome far below them.
God: I am going to go around this cloud and elicit views and opinions from all of you. I want some solid, workable ideas how to fix this thing. If you can’t offer positive advice, just keep quiet. Please note in The Book of Life that several ex-presidents are here as advisors. I will finish with Peter and Jesus who, as usual, sit and stand on my right. (Smiling) Right-wingers I call them. You go first Moses. You've been dealing with false prophets longer than anyone else here--except me of course.
Moses: Thank you Holy Father. I haven’t been really close to the situation. I am still positioned over on Mt. Moab sort of overlooking the situation in the Promised Land, which is bleak, I must say. I don’t see much of the Americans there. I do, however, see a lot of the confusion they have wrought. I also see a lot of the war machines they have contributed to the efforts of death, havoc and homelessness. Holy Father l would recommend another 40-year road march. for this nation. I would be willing to go along, maybe this time I could make it to the finish line.
God: “Tsk. Tsk. Moses. March where?. They have multiplied and subdue our earth. But, I guess I asked for that. Also, they've almost forgotten they are bipedal. Half of them would drive to the bathroom if they could get their car in the house. For the record Moses. I am the same today as I was 6,000 years ago, yesterday and will be next week, next year and next century I never apologize for a decision. Do I need to get you some apprentice time with Donald Trump? Will you never learn that I never negotiate after a When we are done here, you head back to the mountain.
Pope Gregory, do you have anything to add?
Sixteen men dressed in white elbowed their way front and center.
God: Oh spit! I forgot. I never understood why so many of you chose the same name. One thousand years and five million potential Popes and you all chose the same name. (Looking at Peter) was Gregorious the only name you Catholics could inspired back then? It got a little better after Guttenberg printed that broadside Names For Popes. But it didn’t get much better. We ended up with a lot of John and Pauls…even a couple of John Pauls. Anyway getting back to the subject at hand. Which of you Gregory’s had the conference at Nicea.
Whoops, my bad! That was Sylvester wasn't it. I didn't invite him.
My question was whether anything was discussed at Nicea with that Pie-Ass Constantine--sorry make that Pious Constantine-- that might be relevant today. Were any of you present for that conference? No. Well you Gregory’s might as well go ahead and go back upstairs. It’s getting a little chilly down here. Too much ectoplasm!
After a lengthy interrogation of the church hierarchy without any real ideas, God dismissed the rest of the saints—save Jesus and Peter—and turned to the American Presidents.
GOD: “Tsk. Tsk. Moses. I am the same today as I was yesterday and will be next week, next year and next century I never apologize. Maybe I need to get you some apprentice time with Donald Trump. Will you never learn that I never negotiate after a decision? Nevertheless, thank you for coming and for your input, we need all the ideas we can get."
God Turns To Former U.S. Presidents
God looked across to Franklin D. Roosevelt.
God: Franklin, I want you to go first. You’re the most senior President I have called today. I knew Washington, Lincoln and the other presidents can’t really relate to non-domestic squabbles. I thought about summoning Wilson but I decided between his World War I and League of Nations involvements, he couldn’t really be objective.
FDR: (Doing a short soft shoe shuffle.) Thank you again for the new legs Gracious Heavenly Father. .This is a worldwide pickle. It seems nobody declares war anymore. This is a kill ‘em if you can get them in your sights kind of a world. The ones that aren’t on guns are on I-phones, playing killing games on their X-Box or watching violence on TV. Nobody prays anymore. I think it's easier to pray for protection when you know the names of your enemies. Right now half the U.S. thinks they should be at war with ISIS and the other half thinks we should be a war with something called ISIL. It was easier in my day. People just needed to ask to be delivered from the hated Nazis or Japs.with whom we were for sure at war.
God: I think that is why we’re here. It’s not fair to say nobody prays. Just last night I heard from a rancher and a fire fighter in California wanting rain. What I’m missing are prayers for world peace, the common good, and good will towards fellow men.
Jesus: I’ll give you a big AMEN to that.
God: Anything else come to mind, Franklin?
FDR shook his head negatively.
God: How about you John Kennedy?
JFK: Almighty Father, I ehh ehh urge you to send a solar firestorm to wipe out the satellites. Until people all over the world starting talking mouth-to-ear and looking at each other eye-to-eye this world is doomed. I believe this is ehh, ehh worse than the Cuban Missile Crisis. Krushev and eye were talking ehh, ehh, even if it was on a red phone.
God: That’s a good suggestion John but if we do that, we almost certainly will ignite the earth as well. I get mad sometimes and threaten that, but I really don’t want to do that NOW. There are some good things going on down there. Look at Wounded Warriors and the Shrine Hospital Projects. And that pet thing is from the heart as well. But I will be darned if I can figure while all those good works organizations need nineteen dollars a month pledges.
Any of you other presidents have anything to offer.
Truman, Eisenhower, Nixon, Johnson and Reagan sadly shook their heads
God: Well I guess we will be launching some firestorms.
Jesus Spake. And God so loved the world, he yielded his only begotten Son the floor.
Jesus: Father, Peter and I have been talking. We think it might be worthwhile to send the new Pope to the United States.
God: Francis? Are you kidding me? I'm always happy if he just makes it to mass on time. Always stopping and talking that one!
Jesus: Think about it. Francis is a natural. No frills. No pomp and ceremony. He likes people. He is love personified. He loves the weak and downtrodden. He prays for people and asks them to pray for him. Not every Pope does that. If he can wake up America, maybe the rest of the world will fall into line.
Peter: Excuse me Your Graciousness but Francis reminds me a lot of that experiment you did about two thousand years ago. You son went down to earth humble, caring for the poor and impoverished. He loved children and wanted them to have a better future. He’s even better than Joe the Plumber. If you give him five days in a foreign land, every TV in the world will be trained on him and I think it will work miracles.
God: Never underestimate humankind’s ability to NOT learn from their mistakes Peter. How do we know he won't get crucified by the crowds? Or, worse yet, shot in a drive by shooting?
Peter: All we're asking is "Give Peace A Chance." I think Paul and Mary would go along with the idea.
God: After a long silence. Peter, you dog. You cracked a funny. I get it. Peter, Paul and Mary! But you're wrong. It was John Lennon's song. Go fish!
A long silence ensured while God was deep in thought.
God: Jesus, I think you and Peter may be on to something. There are a lot of pluses to the idea. Francis has a pure heart, works cheap and works hard, and people do love him. Go ahead and send him. Rent him a bicycle or a cheap car and see what he can do. We can always blow up the satellites later.
Meeting adjourned at 10:27 GT (God's Time)