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Weird People Who Sent me Messages on Valentine's Day

Updated on February 18, 2013

I, for one, did not have a Valentine this year. I did, however, receive a spike in the number of messages I received on my online dating profile on Valentine's Day and the few days after. I deleted twenty of them before I realized this might make great material. But I think I have enough left though to go ahead with the article. The following is why I've been reluctant to leave my house after Valentine's Day. All these people are out there, unaccounted for, and looking for love, from me, and possibly you. Beware.

Valentine's Day Desperation

Blank Army Guy #1
Serving our country
Obviously not 6'1. Probably doesn't talk in complete sentences.
Guy with Weird Shaped Head
It really doesn't look like it's just the camera angle.
Pale Guy with Mullet Wearing Suit
Offers to help with chores in profile.
Blank Army Guy #2
Serving our Country
Looks exactly like a guy who has a completely different profile. Multiple personality disorder?
Short Bearded Biker Gang Guy
Mentions his Harley 5 times on his profile. I feel insecure.
Stylish Thug
Blank Army Guy #3
Serving our country
Obviously doesn't have an athletic body type.

Message Content

Mostly I received:

  • "Hello"
  • "Hey :)"
  • "Hi, how are you?"
  • "Hello beautiful."

And that was the entire message. And one:

  • "I would love to sleep with u." Creeper.

Post-Valentine's Day Desperation

Blank Army Guy #3
Serving our country
Bushy super-arched eyebrows. How does this happen when you obviously don't pluck them?
Guy Who is Obviously Gay
Shopping buddy?
Gay. Not that I have a problem with that generally. But change your MSF!
Guy Who is Obviously 5' 0"
He's my height!
He's a liar!
Cougar Meat #1
Could use him for child labor.
Younger than me. Looks like he's 12.
Guy Who Obviously Lied About His Age
Stated Age: 29
Real Age: 45+
Bald Redneck Guy
Nice collection of wife-beaters.
Doesn't know how to use sunscreen.
Latino with Orange Spray Tan
He works out.
Dude, you already have a tan.
Guy with Hairy Chest
Message: "Nice legs!"
Guy with Picture Cropped 75%
Nice 1/4 of your face.
What are you hiding? I love The Phantom of the Opera though.

Did I miss the mark?

What do you think of my observations?

See results

And I just deleted 100% of my inbox.

Did you get any bad/funny messages on Valentine's Day?


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