What to Do if and When There is a Monster Under Your Bed
This week I was awakened for the first time in many years, by a monster under my bed.
As a child it happened frequently but in recent years it has given way to larger fears--like the one I have concerning what to do if I get trapped for hours in an elevator with Paris Hilton and I have nothing to read.
Nevertheless I think it would be helpful if not downright life-saving, if I were to outline for you, gentle reader, some of my advice as to what to do if there is a monster under your bed.
How to Know if It Is a Monster
Monsters do not speak English,so if you call out "O....Monster?..." and you hear back 'Yes....what is it?'.... then it is not one, and it is something else.
If you jump up and down on your bed several times. not too many--you don't want to get him angry--and you then hear your bedroom door open and close--it is not a monster. they always exit a room by the window. Again, it is something else.
What Not to Do
1. Do not simply drape yourself upside down over the side of your bed and peer under it. Monsters love it when you do this as it allows them to stick their fingers up your nose and pull you down on the floor--and then they have you right where they want you..
2. Do not offer them money. They despise capitalism and will surely respond negatively.
3.Do not whistle; especially not a happy tune. They will see through this and know that you are just whistling in the dark and they have seen Anna and the King (the musical) and will know what you are up to.
What to Do?
Now we come to the much more difficult part of my advice because it is not as clear cut and straight forward as the advice given above.
Why?
Because we are dealing here with a fellow who is unpredictable and sees himself as a carefree, spontaneous individual, who cannot be out-witted by a set of instructions from a manual; after all, if there was such a manual he would read it and know what you were going to do ahead of time, so such a thing is useless.
You need to use your intuition which is something nobody, not even a monster, has access to.
So if it suddenly occurs to you to just pull the covers over your head and go back to sleep--you should do that.
If it occurs to you to reach for the phone and dial 911 and tell the operator there is a monster under your bed, you should do that. (good luck)
If it occurs to you to jump out of bed and run screaming from the room--do that. Possibly someone will come to your aid, like a parent, a husband/wife/partner, or maybe your brave dog 'Niles' who is under the couch shivering with fright.
Follow your intuition and do what comes naturally and you will outwit Mr. Monster every-time.
Probably.
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