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Why I'm Not A Successful Rapper

Updated on June 1, 2012

I could never be a rapper in today’s world. Especially a mainstream rapper like the ones that are popular on the radio. Rap music is all about bravado and tough guy stuff. On top of that, it’s a young man’s game. I’m in my mid 30’s, ancient by pop culture standards. So as I cut my losses, I present a list of reasons I could never be a successful rapper, followed by a short rap just to reinforce my point. Word.

I’ve never been shot– I’ve never been shot by a real gun, this may be a huge hurdle to overcome. I have shot myself with a pellet gun, but I'm not sure that will garner enough street cred.

I’m married– Most of the popular rap songs are about being a player. Songs about cheating or talking a girl into cheating, clubbing, or maybe hooking up via facebook. My wife and I are usually passed out on the couch by 10pm, that’s not going to make a hot song.

I’m in my mid-30’s– It’s a little too late to launch any kind of successful career in the music industry, much less in the rap scene where I would be considered and old timer. This is okay for established artist, but you don't see many middle aged guys breaking into the rap world..

I don’t follow the latest fashions – Follow? I wouldn't know where to start. I hate shopping and fashion, I can’t even keep my shoes clean, I have no tattoos or piercings and I hate sunglasses.

I drive a truck, nothing special. – Lots of rap songs are about cars, rims or loud stereos. I drive a basic truck and listen to talk radio, this is not the formula to a great rap song.

I lack self-confidence – Rap is all about bragging and being sure of yourself, I don’t have much to brag about, and I’m constantly apologizing…no one wants to hear that.

I'm very clumsy - As I've mentioned before, I'm a very clumsy person. Most rappers are pretty smooth characters, not me.

Jewelry - Besides my wedding band, I don't own one piece of jewelry. Jewelry is crucial for rappers. With no chain or watch to speak of (or in this case rap of), what chance do i have?

So let's put it all together. Here I present my rap song, slap a beat to this and you're sure to have a smash hit.....

(Introduction with some guy yelling something unintelligible)

Just got off work, time to get down.

It’s taco night, we don’t mess around.

The weekend is here, cue the DVR,

Get the popcorn popped, and here we are.

If it’s passed 9pm, don’t bother calling,

Turn my cell phone off, asleep I’m falling.

Wake up early, on Saturday morning

Wash my face, see my gray hair forming.

Got my audiobook , with my headphones blaring

Walking the dogs, these old shoes I'm wearing.

Get back to the house, and make some plans,

Lowes has a sale on some ceiling fans!

Oh it’s on, and while we’re there

We can get a throw for that corner chair!

Aww yeah, that's a great idea,

I love that chair, from ikea.

Next stop on the way, hit the library

Return this book, late fees are scary

Now I'm yawning, it's 2pm

I could go for a nap, before the museum.

Back at home, this day was a winner,

all of these errands got me hungry for dinner.

I could go for soup, maybe with fresh rolls,

gotta a better idea, let's make some bread bowls!

That was delicious, and now my belly is full

it's kinda hard being a rapper when your really not cool...

(Outro with more unintelligible yelling)



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    • LawnCareForum profile image

      LawnCareForum 5 years ago

      LOL I wish I had become a successful rapper too back in my day but jeeze I could add to your list of why I am not. Oh well. I guess I better look into doing other things :)

    • ringlawncare profile image

      ringlawncare 6 years ago from Stillwater MN

      Way too funny! I'm actually from a hood where once you have arrived there, you ask yourself, "How the hell did I get here"? I'm 41 and have also realized my rapper days have been numbered, but than I see Jay-Z & Ice Cube and think hmmmmm.LOL

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 6 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks Jenu, I think with these comments, we may have a complilation album forming!

      I think there's a market for raps about lowes, Ikea, and bread bowls Next! Thanks for reading!

    • nextgoodthing profile image

      nextgoodthing 6 years ago from Miami,Fl

      This was a cool hub. I enjoyed reading and it was funny too..i do not listen to rap but maybe if you start i can be "converted" lol... Take care

    • profile image

      jenubouka 6 years ago

      Oh man that is some funny words there. I could picture a skit on SNL with your song. My rap rhythm beat would not be to different, the most exciting thing about my day is when the toddler finally falls asleep.

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 6 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks guys! Glad you enjoyed the dope rhymes!

    • Infiniteresearch profile image

      Infiniteresearch 6 years ago from Ohio

      Great sense of humor and the rap is "fresh to def". I'd listen to your rap anytime....maybe there's room out there for the "Weird Al" of rap? Could work. lol Great Hub

    • Genesis profile image

      Genesis 6 years ago from Canada

      You're definitely a rapper!! I totally enjoyed your rhymes! Word UP! ;0)

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 6 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks Jeannie! I just rap what I know!

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 6 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      Hey, I would buy your rap CD. People want to hear from rappers that keep it real. Those rhymes about Lowes and IKEA are dope on a whole new level. Voted up! :-)

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 6 years ago from Virginia

      Nice Jeffries, I think a duo may be in the works!

      Thanks Alecia, I agree, its all an image.

      Thank you WD, I appreciate the compliments!

      Mathira, you don't want to learn about rap music from me!

      Thanks for the comments guys, be on the lookout for my album!!

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 6 years ago from chennai

      Interesting hub and though I am not familiar with rap music, you took me through to have an idea about it.

    • WD Curry 111 profile image

      WD Curry 111 6 years ago from Space Coast

      I clicked every button and an ad. It's funny that you don't think mid thirties isn't young enough. I am just breaking in, and I am chasing 60. Well, not rap so much, but some. It's all good if it comes from the heart.

      This hub is concise and super tight. It is a prime example of the mastery of the "Art of the Hub". Reminder . . . HubPages is a multi-media, interactive magazine. You hit every medium, including poetry. You handled the inevitable (magazine, TV Show, Charity Effort) financial pressure with grace and good design.

      As a world artist, I am qualified to give you the prize for clearing the bar and waving to the crowd on the way.

    • Alecia Murphy profile image

      Alecia Murphy 6 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

      This is sweet weestro! I can relate to why you wouldn't want to be a rapper because it is too much on your identity. Half of these rappers aren't even who they say they are and the ones that are who they say they are aren't all that cool. Awesome hub!

    • thejeffriestube profile image

      Dave 6 years ago from United States

      I understand, but that rap was sick,

      You coulda told us that your coffee maker is drip.

      You just do your raps, and don't be a bore,

      We'll hook you up with Pauley from the Jersey Shore.


      Great Hub!