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Wise Old Sayings That Are Stupid

Updated on February 1, 2013
Confucious
Confucious

The Misanthrope

 

I am a misanthrope. I have a general distrust of humankind. At least right now, today, lately. I feel old, crotchety, irritable, bitter, and, well...misanthropic. This is not my normal state. People expect of me the happy guy, quick with a smile and a wink and a funny joke. But not today. Not yesterday. Not for a while. I can explain. I only have to tell you one thing and you will instantly understand. If you live in the developed world, you will nod your head sympathetically and commiserate with my misanthropic miserableness. It is, quite simply, this: I have been without hot water for 3 weeks.

Think about that. No hot showers. No convenient washing of dishes. This makes Chris angry. This makes Chris cynical. This makes Chris refer to himself in the 3rd person. The first repair company tried to charge me $3000.00. Not only am I without hot water, apparently I am perceived as a super-moronic rube that just fell off the turnip truck (albeit a rube with three grand in his pocket). So I got my regular repair company in. They need a part. A little elbow-pipe with a rubber thing on the end. It'll be fixed tomorrow. And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and here it is, three weeks going on four.

And so this is my therapy. There are no wise sayings for me right now. No proverbs packed with truth. No feel-good adages that make you want carpe the damn diem. In fact, if you really analyze them, they can be pretty stupid. Here are some of my half-baked, imbecilic, simpleminded favorites.

The Early Bird Gets the Worm

 

I've always wondered about this wise saying. Does the early bird really catch the worm? What if the worm oversleeps? It's true that birds get up awfully early. I can hear them right outside my bedroom window, sometimes as early as 4:00AM, and one of these days they're gonna catch something else - like a beak full of buckshot. So I investigated the matter. Ok, some birds eat worms and some do not, but they eat lots of other stuff too. Who knows if they even like worms that much? Maybe eating worms make them want to puke their little birdy guts out. And what about Owls? They're hangin' out at clubs and partying all night, swooping down on rodents, and sleeping off a hangover the next morning. And Owls are WISE, right?

And here's the other thing: Early in the morning isn't even the best time to catch worms. 10:00 at night is about the best time, and the best way to get 'em is to pour a bucket of soapy water on the ground which causes the worms to come up to breathe. Or if you're really a hardcore worm catcher, you pound a couple of re-bars into the ground and hook them to your car battery. Rev your engine and then grab the little two-headed, hermaphroditic freaks and toss them into a bucket with some damp paper towels - or eat them. I don't know about you, but I haven't seen any birds hooking up jumper cables to my car lately (there was that one time, but that's a long story). Nope, this one's stupid. This one's better: The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Having their cake and something else too.
Having their cake and something else too.

You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too

 

This is so idiotic that I hardly know where to begin the beguine. Firstly, what the hell's the point of having a cake if you can't eat it? Secondly, how can you eat a cake that you don't even have? You can pretend, but that's called pantomime, my friend, and you can only imagine it tastes sweet and delicious. What is this? Some kind of Confucius thing? Like What is the sound of one hand clapping or Man who go to sleep with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger?

Ok, ok, I get it. The dude is saying you want to keep the cake around to look at how pretty it is and you want to eat it, but you can't do both. I say eat the damn cake before it gets stale. Your little kid isn't going to appreciate having an imaginary birthday cake like in some opium-induced Alice in Wonderland scene. Naw. What they really meant was you need two cakes, one to look at and one to eat, so they should have said: Two cakes in the hand is worth one in the tush. Now that's killing two early birds with one stone.

A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned

Everyone thinks that Benjamin Franklin said this appalling apothegm, but it's actually an old Scottish saying. Maybe this is where the common misconception about Scots being cheap comes from. This is very unfair to Scots. Scots are nice people, unless you cross them, and some of the guys have the balls to wear kilts. No, what Ben Franklin said was, "Tis a well spent penny that saves a groat." Like anybody even knows what the hell a groat is anyway.

So you find a penny on the street. You pick it up. That doesn't mean you earned a penny. It means you're a cheap Scottish bastard. Let's say you do this for years and years, until you have this big thing filled with pennies totaling a whopping $37.62. Now, just try to cash them in. Banks won't even take them. Or you have to sit there at your kitchen table carefully stuffing them into little paper rolls and it only takes you 6 hours. You just hired yourself for $6.27 an hour. Congratulations T. Boone, you're a wealthy man. Nope. Afraid not. This one really gets my groat! The verdict? Stupid is as stupid does.

Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost Than Never to Have Loved At All

Awww. How sweet. How romantic. How friggin' STUPID!  Might as well say, "Tis better to be dumped than never to have been dumped before," or "Tis better to be hit by a train blah, blah, blah." I know what Tennyson was up to when he came up with this one. He was trying to get laid, that's what. He'd be at a party sipping on a hot buttered cider punch and spout this tripe to the chicks. It was a pick-up line. And the chicks were all, "Oh, forsooth, Mr. Tennyson," and "Really, but you flatter, Mr. Tennyson," and "Kindly assist me to the fainting couch, Tenny."

The fact is, when you lose love it hurts like hell. You mope around. You feel sorry for yourself. You start drinking too much, then you start smoking crack, then meth, and you grind your teeth down to the nubs, and after a whole lot of misery, you're dead. Kaput. Finito. I, for one, would rather to have never loved at all than be six feet under feeding the worms that eventually feed the early birds. Go ahead. I'll visit your grave once a month, not to leave flowers, but to pour a bucket of soapy water on you and catch some bait.

Actually, it turns out it was Tennyson who said this. Well, well, well. Screw him too!

Jacob Haafner/Wikipedia Commons
Jacob Haafner/Wikipedia Commons

Better Three Hours Too Soon than a Minute Too Late

Old Bill Shakespeare penned this one. I guess he was a stickler for promptness. But there's an old Roman Proverb that goes, "Better Late Than Never." Ok. So which is it? Maybe Bill and some Romans should lock themselves in a room and not come out till they've reached a consensus, something like "Being One Minute Late Ain't Too Bad."

They had messengers back then. Why not send somebody ahead and tell the expectant party that you were held up in foot traffic, or there was a chariot wreck and the palanquins were backed up for miles? Better yet, postpone the meeting; claim their dog Barkus was sick and they had to go to the Sacrarium and offer a sacrifice to Goddess Diana - Mother of Creatures. Then blow the whole day off, go to the coliseum and watch them throw Christians to the lions. This old saw just doesn't hold water anymore. It should be changed: Never Do Today What Can Be Postponed Until Tomorrow.

The Cold Goes On

Ok. I feel better now. Soon, my hot water heater will be fixed and this will all seem like a bad dream, and hot water will once again pulse against my body, refreshing me, invigorating me, keeping me off the head-shrinker's couch and renewing my Irish wink in the bathroom mirror, a proverbial "top of the mornin'" to myself. Perhaps I'll feel the need to write another one of these some day, like in a month when it's really starting to get cold outside and my furnace explodes, but for now, I am calm. And so I leave you with one final proverb. One final idiom that eclipses all others, beautiful in its truth, simplicity, and its inarguable logic:

Live Everyday As Though It Were Your Last...And Someday You'll Be Right.

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    • profile image

      mahesh 9 months ago

      Sell your used #laptops at lapitop.in and get paid instantly.

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    • profile image

      Best Wordpress Web Hosting Heviews 2 years ago

      Great words of wisdom!

      Video on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrNrqa5QxQw

    • profile image

      mepha 2 years ago

      I know! Hitting the twin cities now

    • randel9 profile image

      Raffy 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      Most of those saying were true.

    • profile image

      Boo 4 years ago

      I liked it. Thanks for sharing the

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 4 years ago from St. Louis

      Here's pants.

    • profile image

      ömer 4 years ago from ankara

      işte burada ayakkabılar

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis

      神一般的男人 - I certainly can read, and for starters, your name is a little arrogant, don't you think?

    • profile image

      神一般的男人 5 years ago

      说什么呢。你们也看不懂。。

    • profile image

      seb autocuiseur 5 years ago

      Hey, emotional peerless !

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      very wise and witty, so maybe you can tell me- why does your nose run and your feet smell?

    • profile image

      Michael Curry 6 years ago

      Nice post!

    • profile image

      cebuespadrilles 6 years ago

      hahaha.this is really funny.

    • profile image

      James Lawrence 6 years ago

      LOL!!! In my opinion, that wedding cake picture of the bride and groom should be the standard cake decoration for all wedding cakes.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Anony-mouse: This article is not meant to be taken literally.

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      Anonymous 7 years ago

      You're a jackass. The sayings here are not meant to be taken literally...

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      alekhouse: Thanks so much for the visit and the comment! Nice to see you!

    • alekhouse profile image

      Nancy Hinchliff 7 years ago from Essex Junction, Vermont

      I love this, Chris...so glad you put it on Twitter, otherwise I wouldn't have found it. Your musings are so funny and so true. Great hub.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      twentyfive: Hey, glad you liked it! Say, I offer GYABO services (glue your ass back on)!

    • twentyfive profile image

      twentyfive 7 years ago

      It all makes sense LMAO :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Beth: I know! Hitting the twin cities now. Don't worry about sending me directions; I'll just ask the border guards when I cross over. Take care that the Polar Bears don't need a little snack. I'd hate it if something happened to you!

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      DAYS?!? Thank goodness these polar bears are friendly.... a little too friendly..... but they're soooo warm..... ???

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Ahhh, sweets, you misunderstood. It's a five DAY drive. I haven't even hit Minnesota yet! Better wrap a blanket around yourself till I get there. Then you won't need it anymore!

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      Oh, I'm getting sooo cold waiting for you....the wind chill is terrible and I'm only in my bikini...it's only a 5 hour drive.... Could you bring something to heat me up with? bbbbrrrrrrr

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Beth: Ah, I did answer but I guess I forgot to hit "reply now," or something. In any case, I have responded again. You know I would never keep you waiting if it's at all possible!

      I would love to go for a swim!

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      I hope you checked further up the dialogue...there was a response to you. It's the third one above logic's (yea, that was the jist of the response). Forgive me? Come, take a polar bear swim with me....

      Never mind my head, what happened to Jack??!!??

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Beth: Waiting for my response??? The last thing was to somebody else, wasn't it, and you told him something about you weren't going to wait forever (I forget exactly), No? I'll go look.

      I'd love a dip in the ocean!

      Hmmmm, your head. What happened? Accident?

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      Aye, tis I'm waiting for your response..... I'm starting to think that you need a manager for your split personality disorder. Oh wait...who am I talking to???

      And Jack should be dressed for the beach..... and you..... should be dressed for a dip in the ocean with me!

      Hey, who cut the top of my head off?!?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Ah, when i checked it a couple of hours ago, it stopped at page 2, so no French yet. Anyway, I see it's there now. No new French to read.

      Maybe they're following you because of your outstanding personality? I think Jack should change his avatar again.

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      I think you have a pack of them to fend off -- found out the avatar has no effect on the numbers trailing me!!!

      I haven't noticed any snipping in that thread. I just checked it out, and it appears that there has been less interest in it. Popularity type threads die pretty quick...the religious threads hand on forever.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Beth: I know! Right? Davy Crockett has been here for like two weeks and he acts like he's my best friend or something. I think he's following me around! And now he's flirting with YOU! The NERVE!

      Hey, what happened to that thread "If you could spend 24 hours...?" Do you know? It's like a ton of it got clipped or something.

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      Dearest Jack, it's not so nice of us to hijack Chris' comment section on his hub! Besides, what if he's reading this?!? ;)

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      Jack Crockett 7 years ago from Columbia, Missouri

      He's not the only one, you know, figuratively speaking. I don't like to be bitten. Not hard anyway. Maybe just a little nibble!

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      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      Hey Jack, I'm sooo sorry that I've left you behind....but you always told me you liked the way I looked when I walk away......

      Chris -- I learned from Snow White to never bite into the apple. ha ha ha

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Beth: Pay no attention to Davy Crockett up there. Yes, I am to blame for tempting you with a shiny, juicy apple. (A gentleman always takes the blame.)

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      Jack Crockett 7 years ago from Columbia, Missouri

      Ahem...it may be none of my business, but you two ought to get a room!

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      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      Ha! I guess you should have hung on tighter when the turnip truck came into town!!! Nah, me thinks tis you who is the temptor! I have to go and pack for my week in purgatory....what shall I wear?!?

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Bethie; Once wholesome and innocent? I'll buy that. Maybe you'd like to sell me the Quebec bridge too? No, no, my dear, methinks twas you who corrupted me! I was just an uneducated naive country boy, then you came along with your wicked big city ways!

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      That's better than isolation 'cause I think I'll be in purgatory with you! You bad Chris!! I was once this wholesome and innocent lady....... then I met you....

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Beth: You can bring it aaaaaaalll out of me!

      (I'm gonna have to spend a week in purgatory!)

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      I see I bring the best out in you! The rating will have to be R at this rate.... RFLOL

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Beth: Oh, yeah. I'd loooooove to go for a ride! Although she doesn't have as many curves as your last avatar. There's definitely a thrill in going fast, but it's nice to go slow too and feel all that power just waiting to unleash!

      (Lol, my comment sections are going to have to be rated for Mature Audiences only!)

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      Can I tempt you with some new curves? She's pretty sleek and fast! :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      That's right, Beth. I'm bad; Bad to the bone; Rotten to the core; One bad apple spoiling the whole darn bunch. But I'm lots of fun! Ha! Sure, like you were tempted. Who's tempting who? Hmmm?

      Hi AC! So glad I'm able to make you laugh. Laughing is so important. At least thats what I heard. When you really get down to it, these old saying are full of it - many of them anyway. I've always meant to write another of these..or two. How you doing, Teach? I'm practicing my three R's: Reilly's Raunchy Ramblings!

    • ACSutliff profile image

      ACSutliff 7 years ago

      Christoph,

      I always find a laugh when I visit you! This is excellent! You even bring the soapy worm water back a second time. That was my favorite part.

      I want to know who said it was better to have loved and lost anyway? How the heck do they know? It's kind of impossible to know, you know? Anyway, I try to live every day like it's my last, but I don't want to be right one day so maybe I'll knock it off! :-)

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      You're bad tempting like that! lol

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      We'll solidify our brains together...or go skinny dipping in them, one or the other.

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      I am only laughing with you. I would never make fun of you. Now, we have to do something about solidifying that brain of yours! Oh, wait, I seem to have a problem with mine too!! :)

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Are you making fun of me, Beth? Of course I meant to write "hot" water, although "hat" water is also appropriate when you consider that my brain has liquefied.

      I'm counting the minutes!

    • Beth100 profile image

      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      You have "hat" water? I didn't think that was a 10 gallon hat you had on there! XD Been a crazy week. I'll talk with you soon. xox

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      I DO have hat water (knock on wood.) Glad you stopped by. It's always nice to see you, and I'll take hugs from you anyday! Right back at ya!

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      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      You're too funny! I'll assume you have hot water by now (either that, or you're boiling water to have hot baths). Thanks for another smile! Hugs for you tonight. :)

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Hahahahahahahah!

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      kaltopsyd 7 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

      Hahaha, yuh welcome, bredren.

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      I tank yuh for dat, guhl!

    • kaltopsyd profile image

      kaltopsyd 7 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

      I'm always glad to put a smile on someone's face... especially after they put on on mine! :D

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      That's right, K, let mom have it with THE TRUTH! So glad you stopped in to read this, and even more, to share your positive feelings (I sound like a damn shrink!) Really, your kind words make me feel great, and glad I could make you laugh today! You have certainly put a number of smiles on my face today!

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      kaltopsyd 7 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

      Oh my goodness! This made me laugh so hard. That saying about having your cake and eating it too is my mother's favourite. She pulls that one out on me wayyyy too often and it irks me so much because it just doesn't make sense. I was trying to read that part aloud to her and I was laughing too hard to even get the words out. Hahaha. This was such an enjoyable read. Thank you!

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Thanks Adele: Nice to meet you! Glad I gave you a few chuckles on this Sunday morn!

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      Adele Cosgrove-Bray 7 years ago from Wirral, Cheshire, England.

      Thanks for the chuckles. I, too, have suffered the perils of hot water boilers gone kaput, and so can sympathise. As for the illogical sayings, better out than in. ;)

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Mr. Jib:

      Actually, you are correct. It was Tennyson. I wonder how the heck I came up with William Congrieve. Oh well. Thanks for the correction and the comment!

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      MisterJiB 7 years ago

      I thought it was Tennyson who said "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all."

      Very funny tho. :-D||||||

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      RGNestle: Yes, thank you. I'm normally not ticked off, so it's more of a "put on" character. Thanks for reading this and the comment!

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      RGNestle 7 years ago from Seattle

      I liked your straight forward, I'm ticked off and I'll show it attitude in this piece. I hope your HW tank is working better now. Lord knows it's no good to take cold showers all the time. Keep 'em coming!

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Really: Ha,ha. You covered a lot of sayings right there. But...if the spoiled milk spills, will the chicken cross the road to cry? Thanks for the comment.

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      Really 7 years ago

      you know what they say... If the milk starts to spoil, then the chicken will not drink... lol!!!!

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Tom: True. Of course there are many but I couldn't cover them all. I thought I might write more of these but never did. Oh well. Thanks for your input.

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      tom hellert 7 years ago from home

      I liked this alot but you forgot "The grass is always greener on the other side"- because it isn't... sometimes its just Brown ALLO VER the place.I realize the literal translation is not exactly what they had in mind but still it does not matter sometimes where you are at isn the best place to be.

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      Peter 7 years ago

      Thanks.

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      KP 7 years ago

      A poop in the pants is worth two in the pot

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Michael Shane: Thanks for the comment.

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      Michael Shane 7 years ago from Gadsden, Alabama

      Awesome hub!

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Bonnie: Hi! It's all an act you know. Really I'm just a teddy bear (a slightly irritated one!) Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for your gracious comment!

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      bonetta hartig 7 years ago from outback queensland

      man you are popular but with a hub like this one you deserveto be - excellent read and I thought I 'got'pissed off over things - remind me not to be in your neighborhood when your furnace blows up - thanks again for a really good laugh

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      StopSweatingand 8 years ago

      Was searching for good hub to read, saw your hubpage. Great and i like it :)

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Amuriel Hight: I cover them with chocolate and eat them.

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      Amuriel Hight 8 years ago

      go worm hunting

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Amuriel: Are we quibbling. I thought we were being cute.

      I am getting an headache. See? I am college edgakated. Yes, I shouldn't like to be there too early. On the other hand, because of the potential of unforseen delays; i.e., traffic, flat tires, city-wide power outages, murder; sometimes one arrives at their expected location early, having left early to allow for the unexpected. What are they to do? Wait in the car? Walk around the block?

      Circumstantial. Agreed.

    • Amuriel Hight profile image

      Amuriel Hight 8 years ago

      Well said and I see your point. However, I would argue that "on time" and early are two different things. I would agree that it is always best to be "on time." Especially if one were to look into the basis of my previous argument as it relates to wasted time. Being late in turn wastes the time of the other parties involved. However, there are circumstances in which being too early can also be detrimental to the other involved parties i.e. when a person is so early to an engagement/party that things are not yet properly prepared. If you are too early to a shift at work, you might be put to work early, which, depending on your original intentions, can be very bad.

      As you said "If you say you're going to be somewhere at such and such time, then you should be there." -at such and such time, not 30 minutes early getting in the way...

      But then, we are quibbling about ideals on subject that is highly circumstantial in my opinion.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Amuriel: Ahhh, a scholar! I like you already. As for the Romans, if you were the messenger, what difference if they killed you now or later? Now old Bill said lots of things, often in the voice of a character, so he may have not believed this at all, but rather wanted to emphasize what an ass the character was. Perhaps the character was a king, an important, imperial person, and that could very well be his attitude. "I don't care if you have to wait three hours for me, but I will not wait one minute for you, you slime gutter rat. You are merely a prince. I am a KING." This turns the table on your comment. So now it's the other guy who is saying, "you are lucky I am giving you any time at all, buddy."

      You are of course, correct, but now, the "late-ee" must decide if it's in his best interest to be on time and make his decision accordingly. "You pays your money and you makes your choice," as they say.

      I would only say that sh** happens, and sometimes people are late. Try not to get your panties in a bunch. (By the way, personally, I am always on time. If you say you're going to be somewhere at such and such a time, then you should be there. But if someone dictates what time you will be there without your agreement - just tells you to be there, that's a whole different ball of wax.

      Thank you for your comment. I'll be by to read some of your work later, when I can grab a few minutes!

    • Amuriel Hight profile image

      Amuriel Hight 8 years ago

      Brilliant!

      Though I do have one qualm. In regards to the percieved conflict between good ole Shakespeare and the Romans, I think they would both agree that it is more of a scale or spectrum. While it is apparently better to be super early than just a little late, it is also better to be late than absent, therefore it is way way better to be super early than never.

      Though I must confess I am not sure I agree with this. In this culture, we have such demand for our time that it is impractical to waste said precious time waiting around because you were too early for whatever random designated appointment when you receive no compensation for the time lost on "being early."

      Not to mention the fact that "Better late than never" gives the impression that others are honored by the opportunity to receive an audience with you as in: "You are just lucky I am giving you any time at all buddy."

      Great Stuff!

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Sounds delish!

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      Jewels 8 years ago from Australia

      Sure thing. How about crumbed chicken breasts, lemon butter over broccoli, julianne carrots, scalloped potatoes and a sprinkle of pinenuts

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I haven't seen your place since you bought the mansion. I'll have to drive by and have a look...or you could have me over for dinner!

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      Jewels 8 years ago from Australia

      Am doing fine. I'll look out for you somewhere in cyber space. I returned to the farm and conquered. The mansion looks spiffy.

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Lisa: A year ago? Wow. It doesn't seem like that long ago. It's been fun though, as I took the time to read this for the first time since then. I certainly appreciate your reading it. My Irish Grandmother didn't strike me as particularly funny, though my family moved when I was young and I didn't see her much. My father and aunts and uncles were funny as all get out though, and I could just sit and listen to them riff on each other.

      I'm pleased I inspire you but I think you've been smoking crack. Just kidding (yeah, like you thought I was serious). But honestly, it's most flattering.

      Thank you for reading this!

      Jewels: How are you? We never harvest together any more. Actually, I haven't been playing for a long time. I think we're both busy. We should catch up!

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      Jewels 8 years ago from Australia

      I know I've been here before, but it's been ages, so I'm hoping on Lisa's shirt tales and saying hi. Hope you're doing ok.

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      lisadpreston 8 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

      Wow, incredibly funny. It seems you wrote this a year ago which makes me a day late and a dollar short. I too had no hot water for a month at one time, however it was due to not paying my utility bill. Hense, the dollar short part.LOL. My wise old granny told me, that I made my bed and now had to lay in it.Well hell yes! If I take all of that time to make my bed, youre dang right Im going to lay in it. Who would want to lay in a messy bed with the blankets all crumpled up? Granny acted as if I were being punished by having to lay in a nicely made bed. For 3G's I would have taken a nice trip somewhere like vegas or something and said to hell with the hot water. Im making a very nice bed to lay in, tucking those sheet corners in ever so crisp! So dont listen to me. At least you had a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out of. My Irish granny can come up with some good ones i tell ya. I cant wait to read the rest of your writings. You truly inspire me.

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      E.A.Wright: Thank you for your comment!

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      E. A. Wright 8 years ago from New York City

      "Being one minute late ain't too bad."

      I love that one.

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Jayme Wium: ...but you can't make him drink, but you can force an enema on him if you have enough people to hold him down. Thanks for the comment.

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      Jayme Wium 8 years ago

      Well you can take a horse to the water...

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      obxpoet: Glad you liked my "pissedoffendness!" I have been venting more since this was penned, and you know what? It feels good. It feels damn good! Thanks!

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      obxpoet 8 years ago

      ROFL!!!!!!! I think I really do prefer the "pissed-off" nature of this article - you should vent via the pen more often.

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Hi MM. I didn't know which to name, but this was under funniest, and don't think Dolls is all that funny. Glad you read this though. Thanks!

      Tom: That's what I said! I kicked those rip-offs right out the door. Thanks for coming by and the comment!

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      Tom Cornett 8 years ago from Ohio

      $3000....for a damn water heater! ...... You can have your Kate and Edith too! They might be fugly and fat....but you can have them!

      Great Hub Christoph! :)

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      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Hey Christoph, Nice reading your interview and seeing that this is your favorite of all your hubs. I was a bit surprised, tho. I was certain the one about blowup doll companions would top your list. That certain was a fine piece of investigative reporting!

      Anyway, happy misanthroping. I'm off to count my chickens before the cows come home.

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Thanks for tuning in, Kosmo. Appreciate the comment!

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      Kelley 8 years ago from California

      Glad you got your hot water going again. What a terror! My favorite saying is "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." Very funny material. Later.

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Cindy: Thanks for the visit. I'm happy to report that the hot water is flowing fine. Seems like a distant memory. Thanks!