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Your pop questions answered

Updated on September 8, 2014
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crassnsilly is not a real name. It's made up, like everything else in the world.

How Can I Be Sure?

Dusty. Wondering
Dusty. Wondering

Dear crassnsilly,

Dusty Springfield once asked "How can I be sure?" How could she be sure? How can any of us?

Bruce, Springsteen


Thank you for your question, Bruce. Being sure should not be confused with being cocksure, or arrogant. In this case, Dusty is asking how she can be sure, in a world that is constantly changing. This seems a tricky problem at first sight, but easily remedied when we consider Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. This, in a nutshell, explains that, to really know the truth about the existence and/or state of anything, be it love or walnuts, we have only to observe it, be it in someone else's heart or in a nutshell.

Dusty's problem was that she often sang with her eyes closed, so it's a wonder she was ever sure of anything. I hope this answers your question, Bruce.

Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?

Moby. Not to scale.
Moby. Not to scale.

Dear crassnsilly,

Why does my heart feel so bad? Is it something I ate? Or could it be more serious?

Yours,

A. Doctor


Dear Doctor,

The first thing I need to ascertain is where exactly it does hurt. When you say your heart, is it your physical heart, or the figurative sense of the heart being at the seat of emotions. If it is the latter, listen to some happy music, such as Sugar, Sugar by The Archies. This fantastic record is sure to make anybody's heart feel less bad. If it is the former, then I can only say: Physician, heal thyself.

When you say 'so' bad, I cannot help but wonder what you mean. In this case, 'so' is a relative term. If we lock our keys in the car, or accidentally listen to a record by Jessie J, we say to ourselves: "That was sooo stupid", meaning very stupid. But in your case, 'so' is used as somewhere along the scale of good to bad, probably nearer the bad end. Perhaps you could write back and explain exactly where on the scale, say, from one to ten, your 'so' lies. Only then will I be able to fully answer your question.

What's The Frequency, Kenneth?

Kenneth Williams. Not at all frequent.
Kenneth Williams. Not at all frequent.

Dear crassnsilly,

As an amateur radio enthusiast, people often ask me about frequencies. However, the frequency of their enquiries regarding frequencies is becoming more frequent. Frequently I have to ask these people to moderate the frequency of their frequency enquiries, but to no avail. Any ideas?

Yours,

Kenneth 94.6


Dear Kenneth,

I myself receive frequent enquiries about all sorts of things, but that is because I am a world-renowned expert on almost every subject you can think of. I don't mind about the frequency of enquiries, because it is my role in life to help others. you, on the other hand, just want to sit in your shed and listen to broadcasts from around the world. And why not?

To keep these pesterers from your door, simply paint, say, 94.6 on your shed, wear it on a T-shirt or have it tattooed on your forehead. If you really have to speak to these people, just say: "I've told you once and I won't tell you again".

Over and out,

crassnsilly

How soon is now?

Cyril. The fifth Smith.
Cyril. The fifth Smith.

Dear crassnsilly,

The Ramones famously sang Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue. Now they are all dead. But that was then and this is now. So was the now then the same as the now, now? Or is then actually now? Or is the now, now, the future, then?

Blitzkrieg Bob


Dear Bob,

I can tell from your question that you are familiar with the Time plays of JB Priestley, where the action moves backwards and forwards in time, sometimes forwards and then forwards again before going backwards. The word 'now' is one of those terms that can never accurately describe any time, because no sooner have we said the word, even thought it, than the world has moved on and the now that we thought was now is now then.

Glad to make that clear.

crassnsilly.

Glue, glorious glue

Why?

Because
Because

Dear crassnsilly,

Annie Lennox asked why? Why can't I?

B. Korze

Dear B,

It is a common misconception that Scottish singing sensation Annie Lennox was asking why on her 1992 hit, but the truth is that she was actually answering various questions with the answer 'Why'. The first question was: What's your favourite variable? The second was: What's your favourite sort of pants front? And thirdly: Name a river between England and Wales. These were all questions set for the Scottish Singing Sensation Club's annual charity Quiz Night. Among those in contention with Annie were Lulu, Sheena Easton and the bloke out of Travis. Annie won by miles and, buoyed by her success, wrote the song in celebration. Hope this helps.

crassnsilly

Where is the Love?

Where is the glove?
Where is the glove?

Dear crassnsilly,

Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway asked: "Where is the Love?" So, Mr Know-it-all, where is it? Eh?

Serious Music Fan


Dear Serious,

First of all, thanks for the compliment. Love, as any cryptic crossword solver will tell you, can be found n 'gloves'. And 'cloven hoof'. And fall over. Next question.

crassnsilly

Life on Mars?

Mars
Mars

Dear crassnsilly,

David Bowie asked if there was life on Mars. Now I'm asking as well. How many people does it take to ask before you give us the answer?

Major Tom


Dear Tom,

Thank you, and indeed, thanks to everyone else who has asked. The answer is itself a question: What do you mean when you say 'life'? If you mean that life is people like us, or little green people, then the answer is no. If you mean life that people like me can understand but people like you cannot, then the answer is yes. Clear? Good.


How can we hang on to a Dream?

A kitchen. People often dream of kitchens. So do dogs.
A kitchen. People often dream of kitchens. So do dogs.

Dear crassnsilly,

Is it possible to hang on to a dream? If so, how long will it last before it starts to smell a bit?

Yours,

RV Winkle

Dear RV,

Anything's possible if you only dream that it can be so. Before you go to sleep, tell yourself that you will hang on to your dream. Then, when you go to sleep, you will dream that you are having a dream that you can hang on to. As you are dreaming about a dream, there is no chance of any deterioration, unless you go to sleep for a long time, say 20 years. Which is just impossible, isn't it, Mr Winkle? Or you could invest in one of those dream catcher things. When I say 'invest', I mean 'throw money away' on.

crassnsilly

Are you Experienced?

Don't snigger, it was the '60s.
Don't snigger, it was the '60s.

Dear crassnsilly,

Young men often asks me if I am experienced. If I tell them I am, will this make me look like a tramp? If I tell them I am not, will they assume I have a hideous skin disease?

Please help.

Yours,

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

I am pleased that you have asked me this. I don't know why I should be, but I am. Some people are just like that, I suppose. Sometimes we are pleased with things that have no inherently pleasant or pleasing value, but please us nonetheless. This unpredictability is what makes the human race, and indeed, our whole planet, such a thrilling and wondrous thing to experience. So if you are asked if you are experienced, you can emphatically replay that you are alive in this world, therefore have had many experiences, some of which you may not even realise that you have had. So the answer to the question is a most emphatic 'Yes!'. Unless you want people to think you are a tramp. Hope this helps,

crassnsilly.

Can I get a Witness?

Harrison Ford. He was in the film Witness.
Harrison Ford. He was in the film Witness.

Dear crassnsilly,

Can I get a witness? I've got cash.

Officer Dibble

Dear Officer,

Look, I don't usually do this sort of thing, but you seem like a decent sort of bloke who is in genuine difficulty. Contact my private email, cash deals@crassnsilly.con and I'm sure we can help you. Don't tell anyone about this, or pass on my private address.

Yours in good faith,

crassnsilly.

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