Zombie Yourself, Zombie Me, Zombie You

Literally 5 or 6 watchable zombie movies hit the big screen in the past 75 years. Hundreds of other plots and subplots incorporated zombie activity but left moviegoers wanting more.

Many viewers exited theaters longing for a zombie transformation. Until lately, changing your likeness into a real authentic zombie has proven problematic: fortunately several online services have popped up. Getting to zombieland poses much fewer obstacles than only a few short years ago.

These web miracles offer free zombie makeovers to folks feeling excluded from our modern society. Too often we see otherwise potentially successful people existing on the borders of civilization, often in abandoned farmhouses, simply because their zombie karma is not in synch. Modern society places far too much importance on zombie traits, characteristics, and accoutrement.

Becoming zombified requires a simple transfer of bytes from your computer to an Internet computer somewhere in cyberspace. Upload a photo of yourself, wait a while, and an almost but not quite completely unrecognizable image appears in your inbox or on your web page. This image ostensibly represents zombie-you.

Becoming a zombie is truly safe and easy. If required to reveal your email address, rest assured that such information may be sold or otherwise distributed to companies on the Internet. These companies care not that you have been transmogrified into a zombie: they simply wish to sell you stuff. You may receive valuable information regarding prescription medications and bingo games, but rest assured that no specific solicitation was directed at you because you are a zombie. In fact, feel free to distribute these unexpected emails and offerings to any number of your friends who may not be zombies.

Many Internet users hesitate to become zombies because they fear the outlay of resources. They wonder if such a course might affect their ability to put their kids through college or provide a reasonable tip for the pizza delivery guy. To their surprise, the typical zombie transformation turns out to be quite a bargain. The zombie client should be prepared to provide a current photograph, but even a passport photograph or a hastily drawn sketch will suffice. Should the zombie client not have a computer, most public library computers connect to the Internet and also connect to many free zombie makeover web sites. Email addresses may be obtained free of charge from many web sites such as Google.com and MakeMeAZombiePlease.com

No.

Yes, there's no downside to zombie transformation. Reality indicates that this transformation actually takes place in cyberspace. No humans are harmed. It's your photo that's altered, not your physical being. Your inner self, your yin and yang, and your existential consciousness cannot be affected.

If you liked cats before being zombified, you will still like cats once the process has completed. You will not experience sudden uncontrollable urges to trudge through shopping malls or gang up to attack seemingly abandoned farmhouses. You can keep your day job. Your credit rating will not change, nor will your social standing rise or fall.

After uploading a photograph, you, as the zombie-to-be, have no additional responsibilities. The zombiefication process requires no intervention on your part. If your zombie likeness requires a forehead gash, a garish blemish, or a farm implement embedded in your cerebral cortex, magic Internet software handles it.

This is no wimpy software. Millions of computer instructions must execute in a carefully planned sequence in order to extract an accurate zombie likeness from a mortal human digital image. Hordes of non-zombie computer scientists and  software engineers have toiled for many hours in a concerted effort to meet worldwide zombie demand. Many less important projects fall by the wayside as zombie programming comes together.

The average zombie-phile might believe, in all sincerity, that a free online zombie transformation represents the peak of online free transformations. We beg to differ. We humbly request a variance of opinion. We suffer fools gladly, even should they be zombie-obsessed Internet surfers. Demand for zombie makeovers will inevitably peak. Beyond the peak, we predict free online makeovers for additional pop culture Icons:

• Larry King Makeovers
• James Carville Makeovers
• Stan Flecther Makeovers (Stan is so handsome that even the most ardent zombie fanatic couldn't refuse a Stan Fletcher makeover)

No zombies were harmed in the composition of this article.

There are no zombies. This is all in fun. Go outside and play, safe in the knowledge that your yard / playground / park / marina / haunted mansion / abandoned copper mine is guaranteed zombie-free... except on Halloween.